Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.

Episode Fifty Five: They Bit Eachother at Some Point

YVONNE

Gooood morning, campers! Yvonne here—

JOSHUA

Taking a big fat rip of the announcements!

YVONNE

Dude, what?

JOSHUA

What.

YVONNE

Anyways! Sydney’s got a cold. Jedidiah’s locked him in the nurse’s building and is spooning him yogurt or whatever perverts do instead of working—

JOSHUA

Yeah, I think a few people are getting sick.

YVONNE

—so I, Yvonne Marley, am now the voice of the camp!

JOSHUA

You mean we are.

YVONNE

Nope! Super not! You are my designated hype man.

JOSHUA

Whoop whoop~!

YVONNE

Don’t embarrass me.

JOSHUA

Like you need my help to be embarrassing!

YVONNE

As you can sense, the energy around here is extremely low. I think everyone was expecting me to bring up morale, but the truth is: there are no scheduled activities today! No one’s planned… any… Most of us have been busy storm-prepping, dealing with whatever, OR undergoing some sort of psychological colonoscopy.

JOSHUA

Ew? Dude. You can just say therapy.

YVONNE

That word gives me hives.

JOSHUA

Therapy?

YVONNE

Stop saying it!

JOSHUA

Therapy therapy therapy—!

YVONNE

I will end you.

JOSHUA

[LAUGH]

YVONNE

Right. Well. Breakfast today is whatever’s leftover. Matthew’s taken some sort of sabbatical to, uh, “find himself,” since he’s suffered such a “great loss,” recently. Just don’t eat anything crunchy, he says.

JOSHUA

I have a giant case of BAJA BLAST SLUG SLIME HORSE MONSTER ENERGY if you’d like!

YVONNE

Hey. What happened to my hype man?

JOSHUA

Fine! I’ll totally embody the hype man role! But only because I’m [AUDIBLY FLEXING] magnanimous.

YVONNE

You don’t know what that word means.

JOSHUA

I do too! It means… generous. And large. Like a magnum!

YVONNE

Dimwit.

JOSHUA

Whoop whoop!

YVONNE

ANYWAYS. Since every counselor is either body-slamming sandbags or in a conference with the Deer With No Face—which, gross by the way, why does it talk?—there’s nobody left to plan activities.

JOSHUA

So we’re doing a free period…?

YVONNE

We are inventing a new, experimental activity! … And we’re also doing free period!

JOSHUA

Oh. Dope! Hey since we’re coming up with things, do you think we could do the talent show this year? I’ve been working on my material, y’know.

YVONNE

I’d rather eat glass.

JOSHUA

How am I supposed to hype that up?

[CRASH]

YVONNE

Eh!?

JOSHUA

Oh, hey! It’s Sir Thumper!

YVONNE

Dude. What?

JOSHUA

My lil’ buddy! He must’ve been looking for me! He’s cute isn’t he?

YVONNE

Since when did hares grow antlers?

[CRASH]

JOSHUA

Since they started growing wings too, I guess. I dunno. Sir Thumper is just special.

YVONNE

You named it!?

JOSHUA

I didn’t name him. That’s just what he is.

YVONNE

Uh-huh. And how long has “what he is” been hanging around?

JOSHUA

Couple days.

YVONNE

Couple days.

JOSHUA

I sit here in the mornings.

YVONNE

And?

JOSHUA

And he shows up.

YVONNE

What do you, like, have food?

JOSHUA

Sometimes.

YVONNE

Joshua.

JOSHUA

Only sometimes!

YVONNE

You’re feeding wildlife!?

JOSHUA

I just give him little bits. He’s cool. He’s chill.

YVONNE

You know you’re not supposed to do that, right!?

JOSHUA

I know what the rule is.

YVONNE

I’m serious! That’s not like, one of the fake camp rules. That’s, like, an actual one.

JOSHUA

He’s not bothering anyone.

YVONNE

He’s learning that people mean food!

JOSHUA

You’re acting like I’m ruining his life.

YVONNE

He’s not your friend, dude.

JOSHUA

He waits for me! I don’t even call out to him half the time.

YVONNE

Of course he waits. You taught him to.

JOSHUA

I didn’t teach him.

YVONNE

Joshua. The second you stop showing up with snacks in your pockets, he’s gone.

JOSHUA

You don’t know that.

YVONNE

I know it well enough to bet on it.

[CRASH]

JOSHUA

Awww! Look at him. He trusts me!

YVONNE

He trusts the routine.

JOSHUA

That’s, like, the same thing, isn’t it?

YVONNE

No…?

JOSHUA

I think he likes me.

YVONNE

He just likes what you’re giving him.

JOSHUA AND YVONNE

You sound like…

YVONNE

UGH!

JOSHUA

You’re such a cynic, Yvonne. Watch, I won’t feed him all day. We’ll just chill instead! He’ll totally come to me again!

YVONNE

And when he doesn’t?

JOSHUA

Then— Fine! I’ll admit it was the food.

YVONNE

Out loud.

JOSHUA

Out loud.

YVONNE

In front of the kids.

JOSHUA

…Sure.

YVONNE

Okay. Then I’ll make it official! Today’s activity is proving Joshua is an idiot who’s tampering with our ecological stability. Oh, and that nothing is permanent.

JOSHUA

He’ll come back.

YVONNE

We’ll see.

Okay, also, who’s the little freak leaving plastic bugs everywhere? I swear to god. They’re like… neon blue. Highlighter pink. Nuclear waste color. That kinda thing.

Found one in the Cheerios this morning. Dick move. Found one in my left Converse. Deeply uncool. Found one stuck to this microphone just now and I definitely didn’t put it there myself, which means someone’s been in here.

They don’t even look real. Like, they’re toys. But my brain still goes “AAAA BUG AAAA” every single time before I realize it’s fake.

JOSHUA

It’s not me, dude.

YVONNE

It’s messing with me. So if it’s you, Trevor, and I know it’s probably you, Trevor, knock it off. Or at least have the decency to laugh when I scream so I know who to murder.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

YVONNE [ON MEGAPHONE]

Alright. Everybody sit. Yeah, right there is fine. Spread out a little so no one thinks this is a petting zoo. Food stays sealed. I’m serious. If I hear a wrapper, I will end this activity immediately and you will all be very bored instead.

YVONNE

Good.

Okay. So. We’re just gonna… wait.

You know, I actually like waiting. Not in real life. Real life waiting is miserable. But like… structured waiting? Where you’re supposed to be doing nothing? That I like. Like when a video buffers and you’re staring at the little spinning wheel and thinking, yeah, okay, stuffs about to happen.

I used to stream games where nothing happened for hours. Just me and some static background noise and a chat full of people asking if I was okay. And I’d be like, yeah. Totally! This is content!

Which is what we’re doing here. It’s content!

Joshua’s over there. Same bench as always. Hands on his knees. Very still. He’s been sitting like that for a while now.

And before anyone asks: no, he doesn’t always sit like that. But today he’s got that neon-green can of Baja Blast Slugslime Horse Monster Energy Drink clutched between his thighs. You know it’s serious when he breaks out that stuff.

Sir Thumper’s around somewhere. I saw him cut behind the trees a minute ago.

So we wait.

This is the part Joshua likes. You can tell he’s counting something in his head. Seconds, maybe. Or breaths. He does that when he’s trying to prove his patience.

No one say anything.

…There.

Okay. See him? By the cooler. Yeah. Antlers first. Wings twitching. He’s closer than he was before. Not close-close. Closer.

Joshua hasn’t moved.

Sir Thumper’s looking around. Not at Joshua yet. At the ground. At the bags. At all of you, actually. He’s very aware there are a lot of people here. That’s probably new for him. New smells. New sounds. He doesn’t like that. Or maybe he does. Hard to tell.

Joshua’s shoulders just went up a little. He caught himself. Relaxed again. You can practically hear him thinking, don’t blow it.

Sir Thumper’s taken another step.

Okay. Yeah. Close enough that everyone’s holding their breath now. I can feel it. Don’t. Just… don’t.

He’s stopped.

Right there.

This is the part where something usually happens. Joshua would normally reach into his pocket. But he’s not doing that today. His pockets are empty.

Sir Thumper sniffs the air. He’s angled toward Joshua now. Joshua hasn’t blinked in a while.

Sir Thumper takes one more step towards Joshua.

And— Okay. There it is. He stopped again.

Sir Thumper tilts his head. Wings twitch. He looks past Joshua. Toward the trash cans. Toward the path.

Joshua swallows.

And… yeah. There he goes. Gone. Hopped off somewhere else.

Alright.

That’s lunch. But, yes— Okay, see Joshua nodding? He still has hope!

Eat. Stay seated. Don’t follow him. We’ll check back in later!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

YVONNE [ON MEGAPHONE]

Okay. Everybody sit for your outdoor dinner. Yeah. That grass is fine. No gods, no masters today. Eat outside! Enjoy the breeze and the sunset.

We got you more packaged gas station snacks from Camp Over Where. They’re shiny and colorful, and they’re probably worse for you than whatever Matthew was doing with the leftovers! HA!~ So, I scored y’all bigtime!

Hands in laps now. Food stays sealed until I’m done talking. If I hear a wrapper, I will take it, and you will watch me eat it.

YVONNE

Good!

So. Since we’re all waiting, and Joshua is showing ass, I’m gonna tell you a story.

So. Since we’re all waiting and Joshua is showing ass. I’m gonna tell you all a story. That’s what Sydney usually does, right? Tells stories. Makes everything feel intentional and immersive and reflective. And I’m trying to provide some sort of consistency today, [MUMBLE] considering everyone’s just frickin’ dropped the ball. So, yeah, I’ll act like Sydney!

So. This is the story of how Sir Thumper became “Sir Thumper.”

Every morning, same bench. Same time. Joshua sits down, right? Doesn’t matter if it’s raining. Doesn’t matter if the sky’s doing that thing where it turns all static fuzzy. He sits. Right there. Right by that bench across the field.

And then he waits.

And the waiting is important. Because Joshua believes, very deeply, that if you wait long enough, and you do it the right way, good things will always come.

So he waits. And eventually, Sir Thumper shows up. And Joshua notices him. And Joshua goes, “Hey, little guy.”

And Sir Thumper doesn’t respond. Because he’s a wild animal. But Joshua talks to him anyway.

“How’s it going? You sleep okay? Weather’s weird today, huh?”

And Sir Thumper just… sits there. Twitching his weird little wings. Waiting.

And then Joshua reaches into his pocket. And he pulls out a cracker. Or a bit of granola. Or whatever sad, itty bitty offering he’s scrounged from the mess hall. And he sets it down and waits.

Sir Thumper takes it. Obviously. Because that’s what animals do when you put food in front of them.

And Joshua lights up. Every single time. So the next day, Joshua comes back. Same bench. Same time. Same cracker. And Sir Thumper shows up again.

And Joshua thinks: See? He remembers me. He came back for me.

But here’s the thing, kids: Sir Thumper didn’t come back for Joshua. Sir Thumper came back for the cracker.

Joshua gives, and Sir Thumper takes, and neither of them learns anything from it.

Joshua keeps showing up because he thinks eventually, eventually, if he’s consistent enough, if he gives time away in tiny cracker-sized pieces, Sir Thumper will… what? Love him? Trust him? See him as more than a walking cracker machine?

But Sir Thumper doesn’t care. Sir Thumper will never care.

That’s it. That’s all it is.

And Joshua—

Joshua keeps waiting for the moment it becomes something else. But it won’t. Because that’s not how this works.

You just… keep giving. And keep hoping. And keep getting nothing back except the privilege of being allowed to give more.

[PAUSE]

And that’s…

[LONGER PAUSE]

That’s what makes Joshua a fool…. Sir Thumper doesn’t owe him anything. And that’s… really sad. Isn’t it?

JOSHUA

[FROM FAR AWAY] Dude. This isn’t funny.

YVONNE [ON MEGAPHONE]

That’s why you follow the rule: Don’t feed wild animals!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

[CAMPERS CHANTING ‘SIR THUMPER’ IN CONTINUUM]

JEDIDIAH

[AUDIBLY SICK] Guys, it’s nearly 10. Why are there campers all chanting “Sir Thumper,”?

YVONNE

Long story.

JOSHUA

It’s not what—

JEDIDIAH

Stop. Christ. No more attracting wildlife? I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.

JOSHUA

I wasn’t—

JEDIDIAH

I don’t care.

[JEDIDIAH TAKES THE MEGAPHONE]

JEDIDIAH [ON MEGAPHONE]

Everyone inside. Now.

[FOOTSTEPS, CAMPERS MUMBLING]

[JEDIDIAH BLOWS HIS NOSE]

YVONNE

See? Consequences, dude.

JOSHUA

You’re such a dick!

JEDIDIAH

Joshua.

[PAUSE]

JEDIDIAH

Go to bed.

[CLICK]

Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.

The role of Yvonne Marley was performed by Emily Safko.

The role of Joshua MacHeath was performed by Ty Coker.

The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.

With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto. 

Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler, and Another You.

 Dialogue editing by Emily Safko!

Audio Engineering by The Leo!

 Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.

And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible! 

Special thanks to Ratavier and Brian.

To join them, and to get behind-the-scenes content like bloopers, development notes, early access to episodes, interactive events, and more, visit the Patreon at patreon.com/bluewolfe.

You can also join the official Discord server to connect with fellow listeners and discuss the latest episode—find the link in the description of today’s episode. 

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 Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Alpha always leads the pack.