Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Thirty-Six: These Games Feel Familiar
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Good morning, campers! It’s [STATIC] 8:67AM, which means time is doing her little dance again! How’s everyone feeling after your first official day at camp? Limbs accounted for? Emotional anchors securely fastened?
[WISTFUL SIGH]
I grew up here, y’know! Same scratchy sheets, same echoing screams, same unplaceable smell of slime coming from Cabin Widow Spider. Ah, the nostalgia! Nothing quite like that first-day rush: the thrill of orientation, the vague sense that the trees are watching, the hum of something primordial beneath your bunk. Of course, some things age—like the dining hall, the cabins, and me, for that matter, with my skin molting off bit by bit—but the spirit of camp? The spirit stays young forever!
Speaking of spirits, I’ve just received an exciting update from our neighbors at Camp Over Where. It seems we have been challenged to a friendly competition! How delightful!
Good thing, too. This morning has seen an especially… challenging onslaught of Over Where brand pranks. First, children have been hiding in the bushes with deer antlers affixed to their heads and jumping forward in an attempt to skewer our counselors. What would the Deer with No Face think? To have her beautiful image used in such an immature mockery. We all know her methods of bodily shish-kabobing are much more refined.
And honestly, kids! Gaslighting the Splendid Advice Unicorn? How cruel! He now reportedly owes Dolly Navarro three hundred dollars for, in his words, the “horse divorce.”
Hm…
Furthermore, he has now taken up the title of Stupid Idiot Advice Unicorn, due to being given a fake memo from the Ohio Government that “stupid idiot” now means snorfloggle. [HORRIFIED GASP]
First off, the word [WHISPERING] “snorfloggle” has been illegal since 1987 after the The Horrendous Snorfle of ‘87. Shame on you, Stupid Idiot Advice Unicorn, for identifying with such terribly grotesque terminology to begin with.
Second off… kids! There will be no forgery of order papers from Senator Rip Terry in this camp! I know that you children don’t respect the sanctimony of our legal system, but you really should watch out, because Rip Terry has been known to creatively brandish ne’er do wells and… we haven’t finished cleaning up the last guy from the back wall yet.
Lastly, chief of all, the children from Camp Over Where have been playing nasty games of evil mischief. They told counselor Juniper that it said “Gullible” on the ceiling of the Sanitorium. Natsume coaxed him sweetly to look up and read it. Then, before he could turn his head, the Sanitorium ceiling fell on him! [WITH WISTFUL SCORN] Such is the way of the gullible prank…
Need I remind you that Juniper is not your counselor anymore? Kids, this is just far too violent. I know you’re all discontent with the way Camp Here & There was run, I get it! It’s frustrating to feel like you’re not listened to, and to be thrust into an environment with no control and no care for your needs. But, this is not the solution! I mean, do you even have a nurse over there? What do you do if someone gets hurt? I can’t bear the thought.
[AHEM] But, we accept your friendly invitation, if only to get some of your energy out!
Kids of Camp Here & There, they’ve issued a challenge – a capture the flag game between our two camps. The twist? The flags are actual campers! That’s right, each camp will designate one unlucky – I mean, lucky – camper to be “the flag.” The goal is to capture the opposing camp’s human flag and bring them back to your base.
Now, I know what you’re thinking– “isn’t that just kidnapping?” And to that I say: potato, potato, tomato, tomato.
Before you all start panicking about becoming human flags, let me assure you, we have implemented surefire safety measures. The human flags will be equipped with special “flag whistles” that, when blown, summon a swarm of swaddling moths, full of love and insectoid kisses. These loving mother-moths will weave an impenetrable, oddly slick cocoon around the flag-person, rendering them temporarily immobile, but also invulnerable. It’s a foolproof system!
Well, unless you’re allergic to mothstuff. Or claustrophobic. Or both. In which case, maybe don’t volunteer to be the flag.
Speaking of volunteering, we need to choose our flag-person. Any takers?…No? Well, then I guess we’ll just have to use the time-honored tradition of choosing the unluckiest camper. Everyone, please check under your mess hall trays. Whoever finds the cursed amulet will be our camp flag!
I’ll wait a moment for everyone to check! 🙂
…
Oh, it seems young Posy Panic has found the accursed amulet. Ms. Panic, my dear gal, how do you feel about being swaddled in moth silk for the next few hours?
[DISTANT EXPLOSION]
Splendid! [CLAPPING] That’s the spirit! Now, remember my little lovebugs, this is a friendly competition between camp brethren. No maiming, no summoning eldritch horrors, and absolutely no cheating by using the [SAID VERY FAST] secret tunnels that definitely don’t exist beneath the camp, no really.
Oh, and one more thing. Has anyone seen the Everlooping Duck this morning? Y’know, the duck which forever swims a figure eight in our lake, unending and eternal and matched in reverence only by the very existence of time itself? It seems our semi-aquatic friend has gone missing from its usual desire path. I tried to divine its whereabouts, but the duck has been circling, or not circling, the unknowable object for the better part of… well, forever. And it seems it too has gotten a little… perhaps, unknowable.
Now, I’m not saying Camp Over Where has anything to do with this unforeseen and unbecoming disappearance, but it does seem awfully suspicious that our beloved and eternal feather-beast vanished right before a big, friendly, competition, doesn’t it?
Hm. I’m sure it’s nothing.
[SIGH] In any case, onto the remaining announcements for the day…
Today’s breakfast is… oh dear. He really did divorce that horse. [AHEM] And for the morning activities, I have already told you! Flag fun!
I also remind you all that I have a meeting scheduled with Camp Over Where’s enigmatic director shortly following our mealtime. I hope it sheds some light on our sticky situation. Pray we come to a solution!
Happy breakfast.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[SIRENS AND CRASHING NOISE]
SYDNEY
Oh, kids, most horrible of days!
There we were, readying to start a fun day of flag fantasticals, but then… disaster! As we gathered on the field, ready to begin our friendly game, the laws of physics decided to take an impromptu vacation. Adios, said her lady gravity. Nos vemos, take it sleazy!
Our camp grounds were torn asunder! Poor Posy Panic, our designated flag, began to float upwards like a child’s lost balloon, rising solemnly away from its safe haven to a journey through the ozone layer. We tried to grab her ankles, but she just kept rising, screaming something about “not being ready for the rapture!”
Meanwhile, on the other side of the field, half of Camp Over Where’s team started sinking into the ground, as if the earth itself was trying to swallow them whole. And it would not be the first time, campers, as the Earth does hunger for our flesh. BUT it’s not Ground Grinder season in Ohio this time of year! So that simply makes no sense.
Their flag-person – I believe it was little Gopher – ended up buried up to his neck, looking like a macabre and frankly disturbing game of whack-a-mole. Though if it were Joshua in that position…
[GRUNT] The chaos didn’t stop there, oh no. The trees are swaying to an imaginary breeze, their branches twisting into impossible shapes of geometric incompatibility. Our beloved canoes, which have carried us on countless voyages, have decided to take flight, hovering menacingly over the lake and threatening to extort our campers in exchange for safe passage. I swear I heard one of them demand a tribute of “blood and stuff” from Orla. Kids, do not give them “blood and stuff!”
And don’t even get me started on the bonfire – it’s burning sideways now, flames licking across the ground like some kind of demonic conga line. How I shudder to think of the terror a sideways vision may bring.
And the sun! Oh, the fickle sun! It can’t seem to make up its mind whether it’s dawn, noon, or dusk. One moment we’re squinting in the blinding light, the next we’re fumbling for flashlights as twilight descends upon us in a manner most unforgiving. I’ve had to change my shirt three times already, alternating between my “Rise and Shine” pajama top and my “Goodnight Moon” nightshirt. It’s of utmost importance that I stay temporally fashionable, after all.
But worst of all, I can’t meet with the director in this mess! Being jostled about by a traitorous Newton-No-More anomaly is no way to make a first impression!
Camp Over Where, of course, immediately accused us of, quote, “cheating with weirdo magic.” As if we’d stoop so low! I’d half a mind to believe this is their doing! Even now, as I float among my office, I can’t help but scowl at you mischievous little scoundrels out the window.
[CRASH]
EEP! My worms! Jedidiah, help me!
[CRASHING AND SHUFFLING]
[GRUNT] And it’s certainly not Jedidiah this time! Yet, something has struck me; a bulb of inspiration, one may call it. I remember the disappearance of our friend Everlooping Duck. [GRUMBLING IN THOUGHT] Camp Over Where is upset enough that I don’t believe they took it.
I am sorry you’re so scared kids. But I do think this may be the solution.
Perhaps the Everlooping Duck is a keystone creature of sorts, holding reality together by swimming in our waters and occupying our camp grounds, and its egress has caused our defying descent! We must organize a search party immediately.
[SHUFFLING]
Alright, campers, listen up! We’ve got to find that duck, and we’ve got to find it now. I’m assembling a search party, and I’m looking for volunteers. Who’s brave enough, or at least materially un-compromised enough, to venture into the topsy-turvy and track down our feathered friend?
…
Well, well! I see we have some eager beavers… or should I say, eager ducks? Excellent! [CLAPPING] Now, before we set off, let me just… [GRUNTING] grab my… emergency duck-finding kit. It’s just… floating… right… over… there!
[CRASH]
Ouch! Note to self: gravitationally challenged filing cabinets make for poor stepping stones.
JEDIDIAH
Are you alright?
SYDNEY
Yes, I’m fine. Okay. [CLEARING THROAT] Now then, here’s the plan. We’ll split into three groups. Team Alpha will search beyond the North Field, I’ll be taking Team Charlie and getting past the South Border—
JEDIDIAH
You can’t mean that.
SYDNEY
What?
JEDIDIAH
You can’t leave the campgrounds, Sydney.
SYDNEY
Oh, it’d be for only a moment!
JEDIDIAH
Remember what happened last time.
SYDNEY
Stop this! I don’t like arguing in front of the children. You’re going to get me in trouble again.
JEDIDIAH
[STERN] Then don’t argue.
[PAUSE]
SYDNEY
Fine. [WHISPERING] I’ll stay within camp boundaries. Happy now?
JEDIDIAH
It’s for your own good, Sydney. You know that.
SYDNEY
Alright, change of plans, campers! I’ll be leading Team Bravo around the forest within our territory. Jedidiah, since you’re so concerned about safety, why don’t you take Team Charlie and search beyond our Southern border?
JEDIDIAH
Sydney, I didn’t mean to—
SYDNEY
No, no, it’s fine. You’re right. I should stay where it’s safe. If you’re done, we have an Everlooping Duck to find.
[THUNK] As I was saying before I was rudely interrupted… [AHEM] Go team! We should be back before lunch!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Well, campers, I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we’ve managed to find our beloved Everlooping Duck. The bad news is… well, everything else.
Our intrepid team of duck-hunters set out this afternoon, armed with nothing but determination, a few stale breadcrumbs, and an unhealthy disregard for the laws of physics. They followed a trail of bizarre clues that would make even the most seasoned surrealist scratch their head in confusion.
But all the hints were there. Frankly, we were foolish not to notice the signs sooner. The duck’s perfect figure-eight had gradually worn a visible groove into the water’s surface, like a scar on the lake. There were, how to say, contemplative duck footprints on the Southern shore, showing a propensity for… pondering.
In the forest just beyond the art cabin, we found a spider web with feathers caught in it, spelling out “goodbye” in perfect cursive. I didn’t know ducks could write, let alone have such impeccable penmanship! Then we stumbled upon another set of webbed footprints that just… stopped… midway across the sport’s meadow. As if our friend had suddenly decided to defy gravity and float away. Which, given our predicament, isn’t entirely implausible.
But the most perplexing clue of all was a perfect figure-eight branded with fire into the grass near the edge of camp. It was as if our Everlooping Duck had decided to leave its mark on the world one last time before venturing into the great unknown, bidding adieu to its habits with one final tribute.
It was clear as day: The duck, dear campers, had a moment of clarity.
Our friend wasn’t stolen, nor lost! Well, it was lost, but not in the traditional sense. It left of its own accord, the visible groove on our lake’s surface representing to it the ever-present loop that it was stuck in.
It appears that, in a rare moment of self-awareness—one which our campers have coined as “ducky intuition”—the duck sought to break free of its cycle, to defy its nature and change.
But upon following these clues and hints, our search party eventually found the duck at a nearby rest stop about two miles from camp. There, in an abandoned kiddie pool behind the gas station, filled with cold water via an old rusty hose, was our Everlooping Duck.
The duck was trying to create a new loop in the tiny pool, but the distorted gravity was making it impossible. Its once graceful figure-eights were now clumsy and irregular. And each time the duck tried, and failed, to loop, our campgrounds would be hit with an inertial burst of upset… which were only growing in intensity.
And I get it! Running low on fuel can leave one feeling… tanked. [HE BUSTS OUT LAUGHING AND SLAPS THE DESK]
JEDIDIAH
3 out of 10.
SYDNEY
Oh, come on! Subpar puns are the most fuel-efficient way to laugh!
JEDIDIAH
And that one was 1 out of 10.
SYDNEY
I admit that one was weak. Anyway, as I was saying, our poor duck friend was clearly frustrated. It quacked angrily at our search party’s attempts to coax it back to camp, flapping its wings in utmost gamebird indignation. One of our more empathetic counselors, Marisol, suggested that perhaps the duck simply didn’t want to be trapped in the same loop forever.
And that’s when it hit me like a filing cabinet to the head – we shouldn’t force the duck back into its old routine. We need to let it create a new loop. We need to support it in its desires, we need to give it opportunity!
So, we hatched a master plan. While half the search party stayed to keep an eye on our friend and cheer on its loops, the rest of them raced back to camp. We gathered every counselor, camper, and sentient piece of camp equipment we could find. Together, we constructed a brand new “Duck Loop 2.0” right in the middle of our lake. We added ramps, floating logs, floating frogs, and even a little duck-sized obstacle course.
When we presented our avian amigo with this new aquatic playground, its little duck eyes positively lit up with joy. Or maybe that was just a trick of the rapidly shifting sunlight. Either way, it happily waddled back to the lake, quacking up a ruckus of joyous celebration, and dove right in.
Oh, it was a sight to behold! Our Everlooping Duck swam figure-eights, zigzags, loop-de-loops, and even attempted what I can only describe as a… cartwheel. It was poetry in motion, a symphony of splashes, a ballet of bill and webbed feet!
As soon as the duck settled into its new, now slightly irregular, ever-loop, gravity said hello again. Campers came gently back from their various de to ah-ccents, trees straightened themselves out with audible creaks and groans, and the sun finally picked a time and stuck with it. Even the canoes sheepishly paddled themselves back to shore, muttering apologies about their brief stint as an airborne crime organization.
Posy Panic, easily the most altitude apt of us, gently floated back down to earth, looking simultaneously relieved and disappointed. I heard her mutter something about “almost reaching the mothership.” Uhm. We’ll have to keep an eye on that one.
As I watched the duck navigate its new course of life, I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of… something. Envy? Inspiration? A sudden craving for bread, perhaps? It’s hard to say, though it’s probably the last one! [WITH SERIOUSNESS] I love bread.
[SIGHS DEEPLY] But enough about ducks and gravity and the fragile nature of our reality. We have more pressing matters to attend to. Namely, my meeting with the mysterious director in order to foster a noble peace. Now that all’s right and dandy with our world…
[PAPER RUSTLING]
I’ve rescheduled it for tonight, after lights out. I figure it’s best to approach this clandestine meeting under the cover of darkness. Plus, the fireflies are particularly chatty this time of night. They make for excellent eavesdroppers and informants. 🙂
JEDIDIAH
[VOICE RAISED] Absolutely not, Sydney! You are not meeting with a stranger in the dark.
SYDNEY
[EXASPERATED] Oh, here we go again. [CHEERFULLY] One moment!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
JEDIDIAH
[MUMBLE] Fine, whatever.
SYDNEY
Tonight’s dinner is The Unraveling Sausage. Eternally unraveling, no one has ever finished one!
JEDIDIAH
I find it disgusting. Some folks prefer the wurst.
SYDNEY
1 out of 10.
JEDIDIAH
That’s fair.
SYDNEY
Hey, Jedidiah, what does the Unraveling Sausage do for rest?
JEDIDIAH
What?
SYDNEY
It… unwinds.
[BOTH LAUGH TOGETHER]
SYDNEY
Vegans get the Unraveling Carrot. Much less cool than the sausage, if I’m being honest. What’s a good carrot pun?
JEDIDIAH
Uh. K-keep calm and… uh… carrot on…?
SYDNEY
What.
JEDIDIAH
Sorry.
SYDNEY
It’s like you don’t carrot-all!
JEDIDIAH
6 out of 10.
SYDNEY
Yes! [TRIUMPHANT CLAP] Top score of the day!
Okay, campers. Tonight’s activity is a lovely bout of stargazing! You’ll be heading out to Churchover Hill after dinner to observe the cosmos and ponder upon our insignificance in the vast expanse of time and space. Don’t forget to bring your blankets! But be careful, the mosquitoes over there have developed a taste for existential dread, and trust me, you don’t want them feeding on yours. Remember, mosquitos are man-sized in this region. But I have mosquito spray for any camper interested! It delivers a swift dose of ego death to any affected egomaniac.
JEDIDIAH
Uh. Bugspray.
SYDNEY
What’s that? Bugspray? Well, of course bugs pray! They pray, like all of us, to the lovely ancient Gods of old.
Now, I know some of you are still a bit shaken up from our gravity-defying epic earlier. But I can assure, the stars will stay firmly in place tonight. Probably. Maybe. There’s maybe a 60% chance they won’t start raining down upon us. Great odds for betting!
[NERVOUS LAUGHTER]
And remember, no wishing on shooting stars without filling out the proper paperwork first. We don’t want anymore uhm. Incidents. Poor Counselor Warren still neighs when he sneezes.
And note to Rowan, [PAPER SHUFFLE] your absence request was approved. You do not have to accompany cabin Magpie Moth on tonight’s stargazing activity. Juniper can take care of it on his own.
Anyway, I’ll be joining you all shortly after I have a quick chat… that is with our neighboring camp director. Just a friendly meeting to smooth things over after today’s chaos. Nothing to worry about!
JEDIDIAH
[EXASPERATED] Ugh! No you won’t.
SYDNEY
Okay! That’s all for today, my rays of sunshine. See you tomorrow!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[CLOCK TICKING]
JEDIDIAH
Do you have to record me?
SYDNEY
Yes, otherwise you’ll twist whatever I say.
JEDIDIAH
Jesus, Sydney. I’m trying to talk to you.
SYDNEY
[SIGH] Okay. I’m sorry.
JEDIDIAH
I just worry about you being… there, Sydney. What if you get hurt?
SYDNEY
Tsk.
JEDIDIAH
I just don’t want a repeat… a repeat of last time–
SYDNEY
I get it.
JEDIDIAH
I’m still letting you go meet… whoever that is in the daylight where someone can see you, but—
SYDNEY
Oh, yeah. You’re letting me.
JEDIDIAH
I’m really trying here, Sydney. What more do I have to do to keep you happy?
SYDNEY
I am happy! I keep telling everyone, I’m very happy! I’m just–I’m scoping the situation.
JEDIDIAH
You don’t seem very—
SYDNEY
Because you keep getting on my case, okay!? I’m tired, okay? But I am happy. I am. I just shouldn’t have to justify talking to someone. I- I want to leave my office now and again, and it sucks how little you trust me.
JEDIDIAH
I’m sorry. Er, I feel like, given your track record, that it’s not fair blaming me for expressing concern.
[HE PAUSES]
Is there something you’re not telling me?
SYDNEY
No… I’ve told you everything.
JEDIDIAH
[WARMLY] All the time.
SYDNEY
All the time.
JEDIDIAH
I just worry for you.
SYDNEY
Yeah. You sound so much like your mother sometimes.
JEDIDIAH
[CHUFF] Well—I like to think I don’t.
SYDNEY
You both care about me.
JEDIDIAH
Er. Yes, certainly.
SYDNEY
Mm. I’m sorry for being snippy, Jeddie. I really… am happy. It’s… it’s hard.
JEDIDAH
Well, at least you’re here with me.
SYDNEY
Yeah.
JEDIDIAH
Come to bed with me, Sydney. Sitting in your office is not good on your joints.
SYDNEY
I don’t feel like it yet. Besides, you just want a cuddle-buddy.
JEDIDIAH
Yes… among other things.
SYDNEY
[LAUGH] Oh, hush—!
[JEDIDIAH WALKS ACROSS THE ROOM]
JEDIDIAH
[SHUFFLING SOUNDS] I must have you!
SYDNEY
[GIGGLING] Oh, hush!
[SHUFFLING AND GIGGLING AS JEDIDIAH EMBRACES HIM]
[SILENCE]
JEDIDIAH
Your face in the half-light is mesmerizing… Your beauty… I can’t help but look away. Come to bed with me, please.
SYDNEY
Okay, okay, I’m coming, you dog!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
[SIGH] I’m meeting with the Director tomorrow morning.
[CLICK]
Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.
With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto.
Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler and Another You.
Dialogue editing by Emily Safko.
Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.
And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible!
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