Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Thirty-Five: The Room Where We Play Games
[FADE IN CLICK OF CHESS PIECES SETTING UP, CLOCK TICKING]
LUCILLE
You seem happier, Jedidiah.
JEDIDIAH
Well, I mean I. Uhm. I guess.
LUCILLE
Seriously! I can’t say I’ve ever seen you this chipper since you received your college acceptance letter. But don’t let it distract you from our game.
JEDIDIAH
Sure.
LUCILLE
e4.
JEDIDIAH
e5. I guess I’m, uhm, I guess things have been – well… I don’t want to get my hopes up, you know? The whole… situation. I don’t want to pretend life is easy, anyways. [PAUSE] But… I- I think I’m happy… er.
LUCILLE
Well, that’s all a mother can ask for, I suppose. Nf3.
JEDIDIAH
Uh… Nc6. Yeah.
LUCILLE
Bc4. It’s been nice to see you in the springtime. Nature is ravenous this time of year. Damn plants waking up to gorge themselves on their fair share of animal meat. I guess I do prefer to have a familiar face, even if you are still holed up half the time.
JEDIDIAH
You have Sydney.
LUCILLE
Mm. [SILENCE] It’s your turn.
JEDIDIAH
I know… Bc5.
LUCILLE
I castle. How are you two?
JEDIDIAH
[FLUSTERED] G-good! I think I said this. Uh, there’s some, uh, hurdles. But-but we’re uhm.. Uh, Nf6. Good. We’re good.
LUCILLE
Nc3. Glad to hear it’s mutual. The boy is completely taken – couldn’t stop smiling if his arm got bitten off. I’m almost worried.
JEDIDIAH
You know Sydney. I feel like we always talk about him like this but, you know, he’s got his, er, moods. I promise he’s not always smiling. Uhm, castle.
LUCILLE
d3. You don’t say.
JEDIDIAH
Yeah, well, the cat’s out of the bag. Sydney isn’t, uhm, coping incredibly well with his condition. Y’know. Being dead. Or. Not dead. But not… undead? I swear his organs seem fine I—
LUCILLE
Right.
JEDIDIAH
I feel his heart beat when we lie together. His face gets warm. His hair is soft. He’s… he’s not some half-life zombie or anything. But I can imagine it’s hard to cope with this, like, idea that you’re a walking embalmed cadaver. Who knows how his innards really function… he’s so sick all the time. d6.
LUCILLE
Mhm. h3.
JEDIDIAH
h6.
LUCILLE
[FRUSTRATED THAT HE IS COPYING HER MOVES] Na4. You really should have a bit more concentra—
JEDIDIAH
But that’s not too different than before the… incident.. so… [HE GETS LOST IN WHAT HE IS SAYING] oh god.
LUCILLE
[SNAP SNAP SNAP] Come on, Jedidiah, remember. Calm and in control. On track, okay?
JEDIDIAH
Right. Right, on track. Uh. I don’t remember what I meant. Just, uh, Sydney’s not keen on his [WITH BITTERNESS] makeshift flesh, or however he puts it. Bb6.
LUCILLE
[SCOFF] I just hope he isn’t yammering on about it to everyone. Don’t need your pet projects getting me in trouble with the higher ups. Nxb6.
JEDIDIAH
[WITH DISDAIN TOWARDS HER JIBE] He isn’t.
[SILENCE]
LUCILLE
Don’t be distracted.
JEDIDIAH
axb6.
LUCILLE
Nh4.
JEDIDIAH
Be6.
LUCILLE
Bxe6. Show some initiative, Jedidiah.
JEDIDIAH
fxe6.
LUCILLE
Qf3.
JEDIDIAH
d5.
LUCILLE
exd5.
JEDIDIAH
exd5.
LUCILLE
Honestly.
JEDIDIAH
It’s all strategic, Lucille.
LUCILLE
It looks to me like you’re not taking this seriously. Nf5.
JEDIDIAH
I’m distracted. e4.
LUCILLE
[SIGH] Well, whatever you may be going through, just remember your dear mother… Qg4. [SHE EXPOSES HER QUEEN] I’m always here.
JEDIDIAH
Yeah… [HE AVOIDS TAKING HER QUEEN] exd3.
LUCILLE
Qxg7. That’s checkmate. You’re better than this, Jedidiah.
[A CLOCK CHIMES THROUGH THE SILENCE]
JEDIDIAH
I’m distracted.
LUCILLE
Mm…
[SILENCE]
[CLOCK TICKING]
[JEDIDIAH SIGHS]
LUCILLE
You can’t work on that thing forever.
JEDIDIAH
[SOFTLY] I know.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Good Morning campers! The old sun rises on a new dawn, and the year births a brand new wet n’ sticky camp session! Just shrieking for milk. [DING] What could be better than a month of pure summer fun? I surely missed all you jolly little jabberjaws! What with all the teeth you guys have – why, there’s wide smiles all around!
The time is [STATIC] 8:63 AM, June 10th, 2022, and I’m sure by now you’ve all noticed our new next door neighbors! Yes, I must address the elephant in the room – not that one! No perversely provocative pachyderms here, children, but it seems Cabin Dung Beetle has kept its promise and set up shop as their own camp… across the lake… just west of ours! Why, they’ve even rebranded– shedding their Camp Here & There roots or… er… Exoskeletons?
Regardless, self determination be thy name. The ex-dungbeetle kids have hoisted a new giant flag to define their budding community, showcasing an impressive drawing of a giant flaming demon-wolf devouring our Sun just above the lake! I’m guessing Natsume drew this, well done Natsume! Very creative, very dreadful.
Oh wait, they’ve hoisted another one… it’s a picture of our beloved flag with a… oh. Well, that’s not very child friendly age appropriate content. C’mon kids! We’re all in this together. Let’s show some camp spirit, not… whatever the opposite of spirit is. Camp murder? My dear.
Ahem. First day! For those of you who haven’t met me, I’m Sydney. I’m the camp nurse, so I have bandaids and the zipper to your ancestral trauma if you ever need either. Just be sure to let me keep your tears in a vial… we need them for our records. Don’t worry, your parents signed a paper.
Oh! And with me is my handsome assistant and amorous partner in crime, Jedidiah. Like I say every year, he isn’t great with words, but he is great with hearts! A-anatomically, I mean. He’s a pretty good guy to call if your heart ever stops.
The sky this morning has taken on a bright pink light, a soft salmon-y glow. Speaking of, did you know that we used to have an infestation of penguins here at our camp? Every week, brave counselor Rowan and counselor Juniper faried our lake Eerily Gelatinous in a harrowing search of salmon to fish, all in indentured servitude to our wise and benevolent avian overlords.
They’ve since migrated towards warmer waters over the winter. And wouldn’t you know, I guess those penguins were crucial to our local Ohian ecosystem, because now the salmon have OVERTAKEN our humble camp!
With those imposing, long hooked claws and mighty ivory tusks, the salmon have started gnashing their way onto the shore! Dozens of them with beaks as large as centipedes and wings the size of a hawk’s, lashing their white fluffy tails with a vengeance. But worry not, campers! Our counselors have been hard at work all morning, battling back the ferocious fish-beasts with nothing but their wits, some rusty battle cabin tools, and an undying devotion to camp safety protocols. Rowan even managed to wrangle the Alpha salmon – a massive beast with glowing red eyes and razor-sharp antlers. Hoo-wee! Now there’s a sight to behold!
This is quite the dangerous situation, wouldn’t y’all say? So, camp safety-captain, counselor Salem, will be issuing Class F Omega-3 helmets manufactured with the express purpose of protecting from Salmon attacks! She and counselor Marisol will be handing them out to you after breakfast.
But it has come to my attention that, certainly, we cannot hold them all off for long. It appears we may need to prepare a feww… extermination efforts. Wouldn’t want a child to become salmon food, even if it is a good way to promote cross-species diplomacy.
Aaand so on my advice, Lucille has called the local extermination company, Super Slaughter Bros, for some much needed backup. Now, kids, I know we may all feel a little uncomfortable with the process of “extermination” but I promise you that this is a healthy part of life and the ecosystem. Things must die.
This confusing ever-turning wheel of nature thrives in the transient state of constant life and death. It’s a tough pill to swallow, I know, but death is what makes life; when we die, we rot.
That is to say, please try to come to terms with the inevitability of death as soon as possible, it’s much easier on the aging psyche.
Today’s breakfast, cooked by the ever lovely Matthew-chef, is the tender, still-beating heart of a newborn lamb. Just the one, though. We can’t endorse that kind of cruelty camp-wide.
Vegans get a synthetic lab-grown heart of impressive molecular similarity. You won’t even notice the difference! Still just the one though. Apparently, simulative red muscle tissue grown in a petri dish for the last two decades is expensive. Ugh, economy, am I right?
For this morning’s activity, we have to beat that searing fresh summer heat! I’m sure you’ve all felt it; enough to slop the meat right off the bone! Our counselors have filled balloons with animal guts and pine needles, an old witch’s trick for making black ice! Fight fight fight! But, uh… Be sure not to throw the balloons too hard.
And steer clear of the salmon brigade.
Okay. Have a wonderful morning, my beauties!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Afternoon, buzzy-bees! The time is [STATIC] 12:80 and get ready for a rousing lunch! [FEIGNING CHEER] Mmm, I sure am hungry, ey campers?
[SIGH] I won’t beat around the bush. Camp Over Where, this is unacceptable!
At first you would think we’d seen an end to this division.
Camp Over Where sent a committee of young ambassadors across the lake to our humble Here and There grounds. And whom of which, with sly, cheeky smiles, and cherubic faces, opened their arms in welcome of Super Slaughter Bros.
As our murder brothers pulled up in their cacophonous steel truck, a jangle of clanging metal and sharpening knives sang through the air. That is their blood curdling theme song, kids!
The Camp Over Where children stood outside their door, hand in hand.
We thought perhaps the salmon infestation had affected them as well, and we’d all want to join together in favor of the cause. Camp Over Where had extended an olive branch – or should I say, a salmon fin?
Our portly, copper-smelling gentlemen loved it! A show of acceptance and juvenile gratitude. Why, the campers had brought fireworks, sparklers, and even bottles of fizzy pop to share. Joy was had by all. It seemed like the perfect reunion. An end to our differences and an end to all division, joined by the sanctimony of slaughter. But alas, it was all but a ruse!
No sooner had our counselors and Super Slaughter Bros let their guard down when chaos erupted. The fireworks weren’t simply funtime favors – they were loaded with acid powder and glitter bombs. But, like, actual bombs. The sparklers? Trick candles which refused to fizzle, setting half the sports field ablaze. And don’t even get me started on what they did with the fizzy pop.
And worst of all, the voice leeches! The kids found a nest and started blowing them through bendy straws like spitballs at the staff. Campers, do not mess with voice leeches! We all remember what happened last season—Jedidiah got bitten on his larynx, his voice hasn’t been the same since, and now it hurts when he presses on his spleen.
Stop aiming for the throat.
I hate to say it, campers, but we’re at war. A good old-fashioned, no-holds-barred camp war. And worst of all, Camp Over Where has tarnished our good reputation with Super Slaughter Bros! Camp Here & There has been hiring Super Slaughter Bros for the better part of a decade. If they leave us now, where else are we going to source our needs for organic mass termination? It’s not like anyone can wield salmon pliers… Nor goat swords.
Some counselors [COUGH] Joshua [COUGH] want to “get back,” so to speak, at camp Over Where by employing various retaliatory pranks of similar caliber.
[DOING A NASALLY, HIGH-PITCHED VOICE] “Set their cabins on fire!” He cried. “Desecrate their oil reserves! Reap the spoils and sacrifices of war!” Like a stupid, craven madman. “The oil!” He says. “Dear God, the oil!”
Not only are those ideas moronic, but for goodness sakes, they’re children! Aren’t there any adults working at Camp Over Where?
Please? Anyone? If you are above the age of 21 and stationed across the lake, PLEASE reach out to us. We’d love to come to an amicable solution.
[PAPER RUSTLE]
In general, I suppose we’ll have to take the high road. We’re the adults here, after all. Even if some of us act like children.
But fear not, my little foxes! We shall not let this act of treachery dampen our spirits. No, we shall rise above! We will surely show them the true meaning of camp camaraderie and sportsmanship!
[PAPER RUSTLE]
Mm. In light of recent events, this afternoon’s activities have been slightly altered. Instead of our planned nature hike, we’ll be constructing a defensive perimeter around the camp. Counselor Rowan will be leading a group in digging protective trenches, while Counselors Gracie and Warren will oversee the construction of makeshift watchtowers.
And for those of you with a more artistic bent, Counselor Marisol will be hosting a special arts and crafts session where you’ll be designing and creating makeshift camouflage suits. Remember, the best defense is invisibility!
[AWKWARD PAUSE]
[AHEM] Anyway, let’s focus on the positive, shall we? Despite the chaos, our brave counselors managed to rescue most of our lunch from the fizzy pop debacle.
[PAPERS SHIFTING]
And for today’s lunch, Matthew has boiled neon highlighters into a delicious soup! I would certainly recommend the blue one! Can’t beat blue, mm-mm.
And, if we have disagreements, we ought to settle this like men- er, children. Wise and kind, innocent children. Please, camp Over Where, if you can hear me… please cease!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Here’s to a jovial dinner! Ring ring ring, [DING] it’s [STATIC] 19:04PM! The sky is bleeding into a fleshy dark red, before it will inevitably slip into the familiar black of night, encompassing everything into the soul-gripping dark. Mrow mrow!
Are you all enjoying your first day? Here in my office, I’ve treated a surprising lack of casualties – er, well, less than usual?
We’re lucky that two Super Slaughter Bros chose to stay back, despite the middle schooler onslaught, and promptly took care of our little salmon issue. Two very familiar, good-natured gentlemen with coffee stained teeth and grease-worn overalls. Impressive marketeers of their time, no doubt. Friends of ours, too. Though Jedidiah had a remarkable lack of interest in conversing with them this time around. I haven’t heard from him since he saw them…
But I suppose they have taken up the slaughtering business as of late! Good thing, too. Those salmon were giving us quite the trouble! But thanks to our meaty fellows employing tactics I could not begin to comprehend—I mean really, the way they bent!—the lake is now eerily quiet. Almost too quiet. I’d keep an eye out for any vengeful salmon spirits if I were you, campers. You never know when the ghostly fins of the fallen might come back to haunt us.
Speaking of haunting, I’ve received some exciting news! It seems our little standoff with Camp Over Where has caught the attention of someone rather important. A letter arrived just moments ago, addressed to yours truly, from none other than the Camp Over Where Director!
A red envelope, dressed up with a black rose, wax sealed, gold embossed, and delivered from across the lake on a gentle raven’s wing. If I weren’t mistaken, I would have thought it was a love letter of sorts! “Dear Sydney,” it reads, with an appropriate fondness and exquisite cursive.
“The news of your neighbors’ misdoings has reached my ears. Your admirable self-control in not seeking retribution is commendable, but I fear a more… hands-on approach may be required. I’ll be paying a visit to the border of Camp Here & There tomorrow to assess the situation personally and to speak with you. Please inform the counselors and campers to be on their best behavior. We wouldn’t want to give Camp Over Where any ammunition, now would we? I eagerly anticipate my seeing you again.
Yours sincerely,
An old friend”
Can you believe it? The big boss themself is finally stepping in!
I hear you, I hear you, isn’t this awfully suspicious? What if it’s a trap? Well, I’m not worried. I’ve faced far worse than a potentially fiendish camp director in my time. Why, just last week I had to contend with the nefarious shadow skull. This should be a piece of cake in comparison. Oh, nefarious shadow skull…
Just as well, the letter ends with a cryptic postscript: “Bring a sharp knife and a jar of strawberry preserves. You’ll know me when you see me.”
And a winky face! Well, isn’t that intriguing? I suppose I’ll just have to wait and see what our enigmatic director has in store.
I have to ask though, who is the Camp Director at Camp Over Where? And, more pressing, why a letter addressed to me and not to Lucille? What declarations of diplomacy can I, just a nurse, possibly present?
Well, there are layers to this camp onion that even I don’t fully comprehend. But rest assured, I will handle it!
For now, let’s put an armistice to your incessant terror, Camp Over Where. By the by! Must we resort to hanging sheep’s hearts by string above our brethren’s cabin beds? I mean, sheesh, those things are expensive!
Tonight’s activity… [HE BREATHES IN] ahhhhh… the nightly seeing ceremony… you will hold hands in joyous reverence as you breathe the augur fumes of our ancient bonfire. Some of you may see triumph over Camp Over Where. Others may witness the genesis of all that is living. And a select few… I’m truly sorry. Ah! Man! I remember my first seeing ceremony!
[DOOR OPENS]
JEDIDIAH
[FROM THE BACK OF THE ROOM] Sydney.
[FOOTSTEPS]
SYDNEY
Oh, Jeddie! Kids, here’s Jedidiah! Jeddie, say hi.
JEDIDIAH
Uh, hi, kids. Uhm, Sydney, I need to talk to you.
SYDNEY
Oh, okay. One moment, then.
[CHAIR CREAK]
Tonight’s dinner is lion’s leg spit roasted and braised in a jellybean sauce. Vegans get the claws of the lion – not meat! And because lions don’t grow their own claws, it’s perfectly acceptable!
For dessert, delightful mystery pudding cup! Delightful mystery pudding cup has been sitting in the back of the pantry since… well, it predates most of our campers. No one knows about delightful mystery pudding cup.
And as we settle in for the night, I want to remind you all that despite today’s challenges, we are still one big happy camp family. We may have trenches and watchtowers now, but our spirit remains unbroken.
Alright, see you tomorrow!
Okay, Jedidiah what do you –
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Is that really all you wanted? Just a hug?
JEDIDIAH
It’s just- I fell asleep at the station and had a dream you’d died on the nurse’s stoop uhm, y’know. I- I had to see that you were alright.
SYDNEY
You couldn’t wait until after I finished?
JEDIDIAH
[HE SWALLOWS] I-
SYDNEY
I have a job, y’know.
JEDIDIAH
Yeah. I’m sorry.
SYDNEY
[SIGH] S’alright. [CHUFF] I guess I shouldn’t complain about you wanting time with me.
JEDIDIAH
[AWKWARD] Mhm…
SYDNEY
Really, I’m… [PAUSE] grateful. Thank you.
JEDIDIAH
Mm-mhm… Well. I hope you don’t mind my—
SYDNEY
Yeah, yeah, I know, your project. At least now I know that it’s not about me.
JEDIDIAH
Mhm.
SYDNEY
Cause the cat’s out of the bag and my heart’s catatonic. [WITH A TWANG] Oh baby, put a little sugar on it! ~
JEDIDIAH
[CHUFF] You’re cute.
SYDNEY
I’ve got a hankering for the taxonomic, cause my whole life’s hypertonic—
JEDIDIAH
Okay, Eh-
SYDNEY
Ohh my body’s demonic! ~
JEDIDIAH
Okay.
SYDNEY
I call it moronic-
JEDIDIAH
[RAISING HIS VOICE] Okay, Sydney! I get it!
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
Sorry.
JEDIDIAH
Turn your recorder off, please.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Ghost recorder! Hello, my old haunting friend! The time is, look at that, 25:25! What a first day, y’know? Good to see everyone back. I hope you don’t mind if I start audio journaling to you again. This was supposed to be an injury report, but I’ve got no injuries save for a “fizzy pop” situation with Darling Debbie.
[SIGH] I know it can’t feel good, listening to me whine all the time, but it’s kept my thoughts together in the past so… That counts for something, right?
Jedidiah is… irritating, sometimes. Don’t get me wrong, I love him dearly. But sometimes I just… [SIGH] I don’t know. It’s like he’s still not here, you know? But he is. He’s here. I just thought things would change when he promised… to change. I enjoy getting more hugs and kisses, though. Really missed that. I’m grateful for that.
[SILENCE]
I shouldn’t complain…
And then there’s this whole Camp Over Where situation. I can’t help but feel like we’re missing something big here. I mean, I’m not an idiot. There’s obviously more going on.
I thought I saw something earlier.
Across the lake. The narrow end. You know the place. Where the water goes still and turns silver at twilight. I was walking along the lengthy trail out behind the nurse’s building, pretending I was looking for the compost bin key, but really I was just pacing. And I looked up—and there was someone standing there. Right across.
Just lingering, still and alone. Straight-backed. Tall. Watching. I assumed, for half a second, that it was one of ours. Or maybe a lost friend from Over Where.
But I couldn’t tell if it was a camper or a counselor or—or something else. He wasn’t doing anything. Wasn’t waving or calling or fishing or flailing or dying. He was… just there.
Except—I don’t know if he was watching me. The edges of him shimmered. With—movement? With uncertainty. It was like looking through warped glass. Like the air around him wasn’t… sure. I blinked, and he twitched a few feet to the left. I blinked again, and he was further back. Then forward. My vision kept catching. Little half-motions playing over each other. He slid right. Then back. Then forward again. And all the while, I kept blinking like an idiot, trying to line him up.
I rubbed my eyes. I bit the inside of my cheek until it bled. Nothing helped.
The swirls came next. You know the ones. That familiar sick shimmer that pools behind your eyes when your blood sugar dips or the forest gets too quiet. That oil-slick shine, puddling at the edges of reality. It was curling around him, slippery and slow, like it was trying to tuck him in. Or drown him, maybe.
It felt kind of like a dream I had once…
And then—he wasn’t there anymore. No splash, no rustle, no fade. Just gone. Like he always had been gone. I stood there for a long time. I don’t remember walking back.
I don’t know why, but—my first thought was: the Director. Not Lucille. Camp Over Where’s director. I’ve never met him. Not really. But that presence—that wrongness—I’ve felt it before, brushing the edge of things. He has a weight, I think…
[CHUFF] What am I saying, I don’t know if it was even him. But I am worried. Not just about our kids. Theirs, too. I’m always drawn to a good mystery, sure. They scratch a delightful itch in my brain. But I won’t lie, typically when people want to do with me, well… it rarely ends well.
I just hope tomorrow’s meeting with the Director clears some things up.
[YAWN] I should really try to get some sleep before dawn. Big day tomorrow and all that. Goodnight.
Welcome to Season 2!
Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.
The role of Lucille Bertuccelli was performed by Susan Dohan.
With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto.
Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler and Another You.
Dialogue editing by Emily Safko.
Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.
And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible! I have a lot of people to thank, so sit tight:
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