Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Sixty Six: The Monster Tries to Summon
[CLICK]
SOREN
It is starting to come back together. I have recovered the shards, each a piece of memory, and none are as they were before. That’s fine. As if perfection is what is remembered. When you die, what the worms keep are the weird bits, the sticky chips, and the splinters in your bones. The gravediggers burying your body are never interested in how pretty you are while they lay you down. That’s why, when I grind the edges for refitting, I leave them blunt in some places and claw-sharp in others.
It is quartz; my quartz. Thoughtlessly, heartlessly shattered. So callous and cruel. All my work smashed to a puny pile of rubble, with millions and millions of lost bits of faith. And for ten thankless days, I have labored. Day and night.
[SHARDS CLINKING]
That is okay, too. I take the coppery shards and fit them, one by one, into the splintered rim. You have to hold each up to the sky to see where it fits, each one like burned honey or a brownish bile, never clear as cider. That is how memory is. I position the fragments, brush on the glass putty, press them against the mesh, and it all stings my fingertips. I have been working so long that I have forgotten how it feels to rest. But I will rest soon, eternally embraced within Her gentle wing.
The Gravediggress’s face I shape from the purpled glass. A bottle-green in her jaw, a run of paler blue along the illustration of her nose. Her eyes, set in silvery splendor, are like a dove’s peaceful feather. Oh, Mother. Soon, so soon, we will unite.
I collect the fallen shards between my aching fingers, and in the palm of my hand, the colors already want to crawl back together, so is my duty. The Mother speaks through me, as She always has, and Her eyes watch me, so loving, so tender, and so eager for me to come home.
She has inspired countless portrayals through Her centuries of sacred existence. In the old world, Her eyes were pearlescent, hewn with the translucence of a fresh maggot. I never understood why the artisans made Her so classically beautiful. The real Goddess is perfectly imperfect. I reconstruct Her in my own image, Her nose thick and lopsided, Her eye sockets clicking and misshapen. For every perfection, I add a flaw. The glass is never the same color as before. And, like the crack in my spine which runs like lightning under my skin, She is fractured.
I used to think breaking something was a sin without redemption. The more I’ve grown, the more I see every action may be followed by repair. A bird dashed against the nave’s window? Re-knit the bones, pull the skin taut, give it a new face and let it drink from the eaves. A cat decayed in the brambles behind the parish? String the backbone like beads on a metal wire, and let it lap at new milk.
The shattered birds are the hardest. The wings never line up; one is always bowed, or frayed, or bent at the wrong angle. Even when I fix it, the break shows through…
When I was young, maybe six or seven, I tried to make a window for my father. I had learned from Fennel, who’d lent me a book on the artistry. And that was the first time I saw Her… on those pages
It was supposed to be all green. Like the color of new leaves, because he loved the way they looked through the weed-choked windows, haloed by sunlight. I collected bottles from the roadside ditches, smashing them with a rock, and cutting my palm open on the sharpest bits. I cried, because I was seven, but then I picked the glass from my skin and used the blood to stick the pieces together. It didn’t work, of course. But when I brought the final construction to him, he hung it in his shed anyway. [HE CHUCKLES] It was hideous.
For years, the thing gathered dust and cobwebs, but sometimes a ray of sunshine would poke through, and bloom a warped emerald over his workbench.
There are nights when I wake up and I can’t remember why I’m here. This project feels endless and arbitrary; a cycle that only persists because I lack the strength to do something else. But then, each day, the dawn comes, and the glass glimmers over the altar. And for a moment, the whole church is painted in my labor. The colors smash against the cracked bone floor, shatter into one another, refract a simulacrum of divinity that is truer than any prayer I could muster.
I cup another fragment in my hand. It is a milk-glass white, once the eyelid of the Gravediggress. I think about the goldfish I reanimated. It had been dead so long that its eye had fused shut with rot, with a streak of milky film painting the curve. I cut the film away, coaxed the socket to open, and in time the fish learned to see out that side again.
Piece by piece, I drag Her halo back into place. The circle will never fully close. Even if I could find the last shard, I’d have to grind the rest down to match. A perfect loop brings me no comfort. I think about the ridge of scar on my scalp where my hair refuses to grow. I had smashed my head through a window the night of his funeral…
I can barely see through the layer of sweat dripping down my face. The solder steams with every press. I overheat the next joint and the glass beneath it buckles, then flecks off. Curses… But, like everything else, it is fixable. Apply a layer of clear adhesive, a dusting of powdered pigment, then mash it in by hand until the illustration returns.
It is not resurrection I desire, despite what they may say. A resurrection implies… that there is a sort of… restoration… a before. Come back, and return as you once were to your original condition. That doesn’t happen. It is not possible.
If the world must be made anew, let it be a world that remembers the trauma of its shattering.
Everyone… ugh! they are all so stupid.
[PAUSE]
I want people to enter my church and put their own fingerprints alongside mine, to see themselves behind the mosaic and realize… broken… broken is not an end. You can be… [HE STRUGGLES] [HE’S SNIFFLING]
[CLICK]
[WINDS]
JEDIDIAH
C’mon! We have to get underground!
[SILENCE AND TUGGING]
S-sydney? C’mon… c’mon!
SYDNEY
I won’t.
JEDIDIAH
Sydney!
SYDNEY
I already told you what I want.
JEDIDIAH
We talked about this!
SYDNEY
We haven’t talked about anything!
[CLICK]
[PAUSE]
SOREN
I will… I will… father… soon, you and I…
[SHAKY BREATHING]
Dawn has come…
ROWAN
You’re really going through with it, huh?
SOREN
[JUMPS IN FEAR] What are you doing here!?
ROWAN
Relax, I’m just—
SOREN
Have you come to antagonize me once again!? Do you not have anything better to do?
ROWAN
[SIGH] I’m just here to talk to you.
SOREN
Last I checked you were missing.
ROWAN
Yeah, well I’m back.
SOREN
Any more insults and I will bite the rings off your fingers!
ROWAN
Relax! Please, just let me speak.
SOREN
[SIGH]
[THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] Very well.
ROWAN
[TAPPING]
Hmm. Is there a clear path towards you?
SOREN
Why do you…? Yes, there are no objects between me and you.
[TAPPING AND HESITANT FOOTSTEPS]
ROWAN
May I sit by you?
SOREN
I suppose.
[SHUFFLING]
Why do you touch your umbrella to the floor?
ROWAN
I lost my vision.
SOREN
Oh?
ROWAN
It’s alright. I feel… well, peaceful.
SOREN
Hm.
[SILENCE]
What do you want, then?
ROWAN
The storm’s almost here.
SOREN
Yes, I have figured as much from the stirring winds.
ROWAN
Two days.
SOREN
Yes. Plenty of time for me to finish. But I must hurry, shoo!
ROWAN
Hm. So, this is the window you’re building?
SOREN
No– no need to touch it
ROWAN
It concerns me that you’re bringing the children here.
SOREN
Tch, it is their own choice to join me in salvation. I simply offer the option.
ROWAN
If you—
SOREN
Continue playing in the mud like a little worm all you like. It makes no difference.
ROWAN
[BREATHING BACK IRRITATION] What are you hoping will happen, hm?
SOREN
What I know will happen is my own true becoming. I face the storm head on, as She has instructed me to, and I offer myself wholly. In exchange for my sacrifice, I am gifted with eternal imperfection. [QUIET AND GENTLE] Death, she is perfect. All who meet her lie with her forever, and… and… well, what if it weren’t the case? What if death was proven to be fallible?
ROWAN
Yeah, but that’s just an idea.
SOREN
They… all these people here… they think I am selfish, because I am attempting my own, well… resurrection, as they understand it. But… but none of them understand. It is… I am not stroking my ego! No!
ROWAN
It’s—
SOREN
I am aware of the risks!
ROWAN
It’s a little morose, isn’t it?
SOREN
What do you mean?
ROWAN
What I mean is… if you do this… I’ll never see you again.
SOREN
You will see me. Reborn!
ROWAN
I think it’s cowardly.
SOREN
There we go with the insults!
ROWAN
No, like… I get it, y’know? I’ve tried to outrun everything. It does no good, man. We all gotta move forward, but you killing yourself for an idea just hurts everyone… all cause you can’t accept it as it is.
SOREN
No, you don’t understand!
ROWAN
I do!
SOREN
False!
ROWAN
Let me finish! Look at me. My eyes are cauterized. Forever. It’s honestly not so bad. I woke up and the first thing I remembered is that I can’t see, then the second thing I remembered is that I never really liked it anyways. You’d think it would make me feel helpless, but it doesn’t. It just means that now, I only help where I can actually do something.
When I first lost my vision, I thought, “that’s it, it’s over. I can’t protect the people I love anymore.” But that wasn’t true. Sure, I don’t *love it, it’s a pain in the ass. But it’s fine. I don’t make it my everything. I just… have to keep going, y’know? Those I love need me. Never seen a clearer path forward.
Look, see? Cracked, like you, right?
[CLICK]
JEDIDIAH
You are not going anywhere near him.
SYDNEY
[A CHOKED LAUGH] [SARCASTIC] Thanks!
JEDIDIAH
Look, it’s for your own good. I— how could I possibly handle if you…
SYDNEY
We both know that’s not why you won’t see him.
JEDIDIAH
I— I… I want to… ask for… maybe some…
[HE PAUSES]
[CAREFULLY] good faith.
SYDNEY
Why should I? What have you done for me!?
JEDIDIAH
Oh, fuck. [MUMBLING] Christ christ christ christ…
[CLICK]
SOREN
[QUIET] Do you expect me to just… stop? I cannot.
ROWAN
It’s like if I spent every hour of my time trying to restore my vision.
SOREN
No! It’s like if Juniper lost his vision!
ROWAN
Hurt’s not a flaw to fix. It just is!
[SHUFFLING AS SOREN CONTINUES BUILDING]
SOREN
You are deeply confused, especially on my beliefs. Please leave me to my work— Hey, get away!
ROWAN
No, I— I can’t let you keep going!
SOREN
It would be perfectly reasonable for you to try return vision! That is the burden of the body!
ROWAN
Give me that!
SOREN
DON’T TOUCH HER!
[SHUFFLING]
SOREN
Do not touch the shards! I am almost finished, and I will not have you messing Her up!
ROWAN
This isn’t right!
SOREN
Yes, it is!
ROWAN
Ain’t gonna happen!
SOREN
Let go! Let go at once!
ROWAN
You’ll just get yourself killed!
SOREN
Get OFF! [SHOVE] [BREATHING] I DO NOT CARE! I DO NOT CARE! You think I do not know!? You think me stupid and childish like everyone else!? Like some infantilized, poor, misguided sucker with no internality!? Ha! There goes the dolt Soren, playing with forces he does not understand again! Oh, poppycock! Why am I denied the right to my own faith!? Everyone must control my waking life… but me!!!
ROWAN
Because no one wants you to die, man!
[HE SIGHS]
[CALMER] You’re right, I don’t get it.
SOREN
IT’S—! Please! Please, let me show you!
Look… look at Her above us. Do you… see Her beauty? As the sun kisses Her…
ROWAN
Soren.
SOREN
Ah. Oh. [AN AWKWARD LAUGH] Goodness… How do I put this…? Oh, I am sorry.
ROWAN
No, it’s okay. What do you mean?
SOREN
It is… Oh, it is not cowardice. I am not running from anything! Please understand. I am… I am… I will be the… proof.
ROWAN
Oh.
SOREN
It is not an act for me! I am not concerned with my end! But the end of those who… I must— I must prove… that it is possible for him, too. Is that not the opposite of selfish? It is all for him. If it works… oh, if it works… And it is for Fennel. My sweet, sweet Fennel. I want to gift it to them. We could be… forever! But first, I must… I must [THROUGH GRITTED TEETH] prove it.
ROWAN
Man.
SOREN
I am allowed this! I should be allowed the freedom! The loss… their misery is MADDENING… I cannot do it! I cannot bear to witness their misery! [CRYING]
[SNIFFLE]
And that may be where I am a coward, yes.
[PAUSE]
[CLICK]
JEDIDIAH
I’ll drag you there if I have to.
SYDNEY
[SHARP] You’re such a good man.
JEDIDIAH
[SNIFFLING FROM FRUSTRATION] What do you get out of this?
SYDNEY
[CHUFF] Clearly nothing.
[CLICK]
ROWAN
My job since I came back has been to lead everyone to shelter in the tunnels. We have everything prepared. I… I would like if you joined me now.
SOREN
[SNIFFLE] No. It will not be for nothing.
ROWAN
I’ll drag you there if I have to.
[SHUFFLING]
SOREN
Cease! Cease!
ROWAN
Let go of the glass! Give it here!
SOREN
Ah!
[THEY BOTH CUT THEMSELVES]
ROWAN
Ow!
SOREN
My hand!
ROWAN
[WINCES IN PAIN]
SOREN
[WINCE] … FUCK!
ROWAN
Sorry, man!
SOREN
[THROUGH TEARS, DISTRAUGHT] Four fucking years! Four fucking years of my life! Doddling after that old crone and doing whatever horticulture nonsense she has me do, poisoning myself in the process. Have you seen that fucking plant? Who do you think trims it back, huh?!
ROWAN
Plant…?
SOREN
The headaches it induces! The nausea! Getting on my knees and begging like a fucking dog! All for her to let me stay here, and she rewards me with lethal fucking work day after day. And only after… only after… My father’s money… My life has been ripped from my fucking fingers, there is nothing left. This is all I have.
ROWAN
[SIGH]
SOREN
If I truly do not understand the implications of my actions, I would not have exposed myself to such conditions year after year. If you care for me as you say, truly, please allow me the dignity of choice. Please.
ROWAN
[HE BREATHES IN SLOWLY] … Okay.
SOREN
Really?
ROWAN
Yes.
SOREN
[DISTRUSTING GRUNT] Hmmm.
ROWAN
Here, let’s clean this up. Gimme your hand.
[QUIET]
ROWAN
All I ask is to stop bothering the children. Please do me the dignity of… not hurting me… with them.
SOREN
Very well.
[SILENCE]
ROWAN
For now, I’d like to sit with you.
SOREN
What, to chastise me?
ROWAN
[CHUCKLES] No. I just think you need the company.
[SILENCE]
SOREN
It is a shame. The dawn light really is beautiful through Her.
ROWAN
That’s okay. No use fretting.
SOREN
I suppose.
[SILENCE]
ROWAN
I hope you find what you’re looking for.
SOREN
Mm… and I hope… for a successful sheltering of your loved ones.
ROWAN
Thank you, Soren.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
JEDIDIAH
Sydney…
SYDNEY
I’ll do it. I’m not playing.
JEDIDIAH
I know y—
SYDNEY
I’ll do it.
JEDIDIAH
[CAREFUL AND FROZEN] Give me the knife, my love.
SYDNEY
I’ll do it.
JEDIDIAH
Sydney. Sydney, please—
SYDNEY
Last chance. If you keep me from him, I’ll do it now.
JEDIDIAH
I— I…
SYDNEY
Your choice.
JEDIDIAH
[SCARED] FINE! Fine, fine, fine, fine! I— Okay. I’ll do what you want.
[SYDNEY LAUGHS SHAKILY]
[CLICK]
Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.
The role of Rowan Chow was performed by Corey Wilder.
The role of Soren Baltimore was performed by Mikee Joaquin.
With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto.
Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler, and Another You.
Dialogue editing by The Leo!
Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.
And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible!
Special thanks to MoldyG Like CHNT, Ouroboros, and Ed Doak-Devereux.
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Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Second in birth, first in self.