Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Fifty Nine: Running Comedy
[MIC TAP] [TAP TAP TAP]
SYDNEY
[SOUNDING A LITTLE OFF] Helllllllloooooooooooo, campers!!! And counselors. And various wriggling creatures of numerous species diversity in the back, please don’t think you’re getting out of this just because you’re hiding behind the folding chairs. Especially you, Dubious Creature. I see you.
So. We all have our cravings, right? While you may be craving a break from the giant mosquito men, or perhaps an occasional sip of succulent soup, tonight we all collectively crave something… We crave… talent.
Which brings us to the event of the century!
There’s a funny thing about being on a stage. The way it feels. For example: picture, if you will, a possum. You are the possum. You are clinging to the inside rim of a recycling bin at 2:15am on a Thursday, the night rich with the promise of a delicious morsel of garbage. You have never known shame. And now, suddenly, headlights. Your universe is a blinding white. All eyes on you. A paltry napkin sticks to your face as you stare painfully into the gleam. You’re not ready. Not for the exposure, the misty heat, the artificial sun in your eyes like a million glaring devils.
That, dear campers, is the true atmosphere of “fun!”
Because, you see: summer camp is nothing if not the fermentation of intense emotional embarrassment, distilled and concentrated for the amusement of your peers and the future benefit of your demonic therapist!
So, here we are.
Tonight, we will bear witness to feats of skill, acts of daring, and at least one child from Camp Over Where attempting to summon a demon. Honestly, I feel that’s less of a talent and more of a questionable vessel for self-harm, but I suppose if another bloodthirsty devil rises among us, at least we’ll have someone to wait tables at the mosquito-men blood-tasting social!
Which, by the way, is happening after the show! The Stupid Idiot Advice Unicorn has taken up the mantle of hosting a blood-tasting social with the forest mosquito men as a scouting scheme for interested investors of his new ultra-secret product! Mainly because, after a series of ill-advised finance seminars and questionable drink purchases, his house is now technically at risk of foreclosure. So if you find him pitching you an exciting new investment opportunity, just nod along! … He really needs a win tonight.
Some of you may be feeling nervous. But nerves are GOOD! They mean your brain is plugged in, and the socket is live. If you were not nervous, I would be extremely concerned!
But I digress.
The stage is set! The lighting, such as it is, is powered by three quantum-length extension cords, one battery-operated tea-light, and pure animal terror. Our panel of judges consists of counselors Yvonne; our judgiest counselor with a true hater’s soul~! Marisol; a bit of sweetness to balance the salt! And lastly, we were going to have Juniper, but he’s off leading a search party for Rowan, who at this moment remains missing. Moment of silence…
[SILENCE]
But we have Up and Adam taking his place instead! Here to supervise the Camp Over Where performers. He’s also brought along Mavis this time, as she was a monumental help in setting up the lighting and microphone. When I asked her to hang the spotlight, she fished out of her bag a textbook titled “Fundamentals of Parallel Etiquette: What to Say to Your Mirror Self at Dinner,” and opened a page on the basics of photonic suspension. She kept tapping it like she was trying to say something, but when I didn’t get it, she just grunted and started angrily hanging the spotlight! What an astute helper!
So, anyway, those three make up our judgmental, jubilant, jam-packed jury, sitting just below the outdoor stage!
And let’s take a moment to thank our support staff! Salem, who is currently running mic triage at Stage Left. Fennel and Soren, who strung up the curtain, then spent the rest of the afternoon arguing about knots. And, of course, the mosquito men!
But tonight is not about them. It is about you.
So, let us begin.
[APPLAUSE]
First up, from Magpie Moth, please welcome Jimmy Spinekick and Polly Lowe, performing what they’ve called the “Dead dread shred!”
[APPLAUSE]
Polly strides onto the stage, her dark hair over her eyes as she gives a defiant sneer. Her guitar’s slung low at her hips. She doesn’t smile at the crowd. She nods, plugs in… and lets loose a SICK riff. A furious, grinding chord that peels the paint off the trees!
And then Jimmy enters stage right. Or— He ollies stage right. Jimmy Spinekick is a sharp mess of bones, all elbows and clacking kneecaps, wearing a pair of epic nighttime shades. In his fingers sits a half-crushed can of his own invention: Baja Blast Slugslime Horse Monster Energy Drink! Of which he is the sole company owner.
[AHEM]
Polly kicks things off with a ghoulish melody, and Jimmy launches off the makeshift ramp they nailed together from splintered cafeteria trays. His skateboard clatters under his bony feet as he ollies, kickflips, and performs a series of SICK tricks! Every time Polly hits a particularly nasty chord, Jimmy makes it spin. He even manages to crack open that can mid-air, taking a swig without spilling a drop, which is impressive considering he doesn’t have a throat. It just sort of… pours through his ribs and disappears. An excellent display of biological discipline!
Polly leans into a searing riff, her fingers invisible in the frantic motion. Jimmy answers with a 360 shove-it, spinning like a pinwheel before landing with a crack on the floorboards. Oof! That one looked intense!
As Polly hits a crescendo, he goes for a boardslide right along the edge. For a terrifying second, one wheel hangs off the stage. His skeletal body teeters over the judges’ table. Marisol gives an encouraging thumbs up. His snapback falls to the grass.
Oh, then the finale! Polly drops to her knees, headbanging as she wrings the last screaming notes from her guitar. Jimmy uses his remaining momentum to launch into a grand, soaring hardflip. He hangs in the air, a vertebral silhouette against the evening sky, before landing with a bone-rattling impact! Probably loosening a few ribs. But he sticks the landing, fist pumping the air!
[CHEERING]
Ah! Oh, one moment! It seems Polly wants to perform a final solo. She’s stepped to the center of the stage. All eyes are on her. There’s a hush quivered over the audience. This is her moment. She raises her guitar… This is it. The solo. Her solo. She takes a ragged breath, fingers poised above the frets, ready to pour every ounce of her pent-up soul…
She begins with a curdling note, getting into the rhythm. But— oh, it seems a mosquito man is walking onto the stage. Uh—
Oh. He’s taken her guitar…
Uh. He’s walking back to the forest.
Uhm.
Uh.
I’m sorry Polly. Uh— I don’t know why the mosquito man did that. Uhm…
Oh, the judges are judging… Ah… Uhm. It’s a six… because of the mosquito man.
…
Anyway, moving on! Let’s keep the momentum going, shall we? Next up we have camper The Leo from Cabin Silkworm! With their act of… tantalizing magic!
The Leo wheels onto the stage with daring confidence. Wheel… it’s closer to say they… float. Their chair hovers just a hair above the wooden planks, with a faint humming…
Behind them, reluctantly, is a mosquito man.
Not just any mosquito man! This one’s been dressed in what appears to be a sequined cape and an ill-fitted top hat. He clutches a wand in one spindly, chitinous hand. The wand has a cute lil’ star on the end!
The Leo gestures grandly towards their forlorn assistant, and through a series of hand movements, explains that this mosquito man has volunteered to participate in tonight’s demonstration of the impossible. The mosquito man’s eyes convey… regret.
The Leo produces a large black box from nothing. They tap the sides of it, open the front, and with sweeping theatrical gestures, assure us that the box is completely empty. Nothing inside!
Now The Leo is beckoning the mosquito man forward. The mosquito man does not want to go forward. The mosquito man is shaking its head, all six segments of it, in vigorous refusal. But The Leo is insistent!
The mosquito man reluctantly shuffles toward the container. His sequined cape catches on a loose nail. It tears. The mosquito man’s antennae droop in defeat.
The Leo helps squeeze the mosquito man into the box, tucking in his limbs and folding his proboscis.
The lid closes! The Leo spins the box once, twice, three times! They tap the sides with the wand, which they’ve grabbed from their assistant’s trembling grip, and announce to the crowd that they will now make the mosquito man… disappear!
A dramatic pause.
The Leo waves the wand. Sparks fly! Wow! One lands on Mavis’s textbook, and she has to pat it out with her sleeve!
The Leo throws open the box and…
The mosquito man is still there. Looking deeply uncomfortable, and perhaps a little smug…
But wait! The Leo isn’t deterred! They close the box again, this time with more aggressive wand-waving. More sparks! A small plume of pink smoke! The distinct smell of artificial bubblegum!
They open the box once more and…
Still there. The mosquito man waves at the audience with one spindly leg. A camper in the front row waves back…
The Leo’s face betrays nothing, but their shoulders do a lil’ frustrated shiver. They close the box a third time. This time, instead of waving the wand, they simply… smash it. Hard.
There’s a muffled buzzing sound from inside. Then silence.
The Leo opens the box and…
Empty! The mosquito man is gone! Forever! RIP that Mosquito Man!
[APPLAUSE]
Judges are judging… 9… 10… 9…! The Leo takes the lead with their magnificently magical marvel!
Next up, we have a very special performer! He’s blond, he’s middling, he’s got the most extensive collection of body sprays known to man! Please welcome to the stage your favorite counselor and mine— Well, not mine specifically, but someone’s surely, Joshua MacHeath!
[APPLAUSE]
JOSHUA
[JOGGING ONTO STAGE] Hey, hey, hey! What’s up, Camp Here & There! And Camp Over Where! And, uh, whatever that writhing mass in the corner is!
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
So, uh, yeah! I’m Joshua. Some of you know me as the guy who runs the sports activities here at camp. And some of you know me as the guy who cried during the nature documentary about dolphins.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
In my defense, I felt really bad for that seal! Here, see! I’m so sad! Boo-hoo, boo-hoo.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
But those dolphins seem like a lot of fun. I mean. Have you ever been to a porpoise party? I hear it’s a real whale of a time! Look how happy I am now!
[MORE LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
But seriously, folks. Being a counselor here is wild. Like, I signed up thinking I’d be teaching kids how to make friendship bracelets. Instead, I’m learning how to outrun time-loops and clean mutant owl carcasses. Like, my LinkedIn profile is gonna be INSANE after this.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
“Skills: Microsoft Excel, conflict resolution, fleeing from eldritch horrors.” You know, the usual!
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
And can we talk about the food here? Matthew’s cooking is… an experience. Just the other week, I asked him what was in the bowl, and he stared at me for like thirty seconds and whispered, “God-willing.”
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
But I’m not the best counselor here or anything. Like. You guys ever look in a mirror and think, “Wow, I really peaked in middle school”? No? Just me? Cool, cool, cool. Well, I think I peaked when I learned to tie my shoes. But I exclusively wear velcros!
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
I had to get rid of my laces because I just kept tripping into situations! You know how some people have a guardian angel? I think mine got reassigned. Like, he put in for a transfer after the third time I crashed through a screen door. He was like, [MOCKING VOICE] “I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to go protect someone who doesn’t constantly piss off big spiders. I’m sure somewhere out there, there’s a kid who’s never been swirlied by a penguin!”
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
True story: I once tried to impress a girl by doing a backflip off a diving board. I didn’t know how to do a backflip. I still don’t know how to do a backflip. What I do know is that water sure can feel like cement!
[LAUGHTER AND SOME SYMPATHETIC GROANS]
JOSHUA
And like, I’m not saying I’m dumb, but I did fail a blood test once. The nurse was like, “We need a sample,” and I was like, “Multiple choice or essay?”
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
You know you’re a catch when even the mosquito men send you back. Ha, ha, ha!
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
But seriously, folks, it’s great to be here. Are you all having fun?
[CROWD ROARING]
SYDNEY
Hey, Joshua! Here’s one for you! Why did Joshua cross the road?
[AUDIENCE CHUCKLING]
JOSHUA
Huh? Why?
SYDNEY
He thought he might find a joke on the other side!
[AUDIENCE ROARS WITH LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
[LAUGHING ALONG] Ha! Yeah, uh, thanks, Sydney. That’s—that’s good stuff. Like! Ha, ha, ha!
SYDNEY
No, no, please, sit down, Joshua. Put down that prop mask! Let’s really give the audience a sense of who you are.
[CHAIR BEING DRAGGED]
JOSHUA
Oh, uh, okay? Is this part of the—
SYDNEY
Sit, sit, sit! The audience wants to know the real Joshua MacHeath! The legend behind the… what is that, hair gel? It looks like you dipped your head in a vat of Motthew’s oil!
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
[SITTING, STILL TRYING TO LAUGH ALONG] Yeah, I do use a lot of product. Gotta tame the mane, you know?
SYDNEY
Joshua, your hair’s far beyond domestication.
[LAUGHTER]
JOSHUA
Well, it’s free-range.
[LAUGHTER]
SYDNEY
Oh, that’s wonderful! You’re doing so well! Here you are, in the spotlight! But you know what would make this even better?
JOSHUA
[STANDING UP] Uh, thanks, Sydney! I’ve got a few more—
SYDNEY
A little more spotlight! Don’t you all agree?
[APPLAUSE]
JOSHUA
Oh, okay! I guess we could—
SYDNEY
Here, here, stay in the chair. Let’s make this more intimate. More… personal.
[SPOTLIGHT SWITCH]
[DEAD SILENCE]
JOSHUA
[NERVOUS LAUGH] Alright, this is new! Switching things up! I like it!
SYDNEY
[TO AUDIENCE] See, the thing about Joshua is that he’s hilarious. But not always on purpose! Isn’t that right, Josh?
JOSHUA
Ha! Yeah, I guess I can be a little—
SYDNEY
Like that time you mixed up sunscreen with toothpaste! Here, put on the happy mask!
JOSHUA
[LAUGHING ALONG] Okay! Yeah, that was pretty bad! I looked like a tomato! Ha, ha, ha!
SYDNEY
And let’s not forget when you tried to prank Yvonne and ended up gluing your own hands together. Couldn’t eat lunch without help for three days!
JOSHUA
[STILL LAUGHING] A squirrel spilled my secret serum! Ha, ha, ha!
SYDNEY
[VOICE GETTING AN EDGE] Or how about the time a few years back when you signed yourself up for the camp Valentine’s dance, then spent the whole night staring at your reflection in the window because nobody asked you? Here, put the sad one on.
JOSHUA
[LAUGH FALTERING] Okay, uh, that one’s a little— uh. Boo, hoo, hoo.
SYDNEY
Oh, but let’s not pretend that was a one-time thing. Remember last year’s compliment mailbox? I watched you slip your own slip in, twice, just so you’d have something to open. And you still acted surprised when you read them out loud.
JOSHUA
[WHISPERING BEHIND THE MASK] Sydney, maybe we could—
SYDNEY
Oh, but I’m helping! Isn’t this fun? We’re all having fun! [TO AUDIENCE] Aren’t we having fun?
[LAUGHTER]
You know what’s really funny about Joshua? He tries SO hard. All the time. Every day. Here, happy mask.
JOSHUA
[VOICE TIGHT] Okay, Sydney, I think—
SYDNEY
He admitted once that he watches YouTube tutorials on how to “look relaxed.”
JOSHUA
[TRYING TO PLAY ALONG] Ha, yeah, well, you gotta work on the brand. Ha, ha, ha.
YVONNE
[FROM JUDGES’ TABLE] Sydney, maybe dial it back a notch—
SYDNEY
We’re fine, Yvonne! This is comedy! Joshua loves this! Don’t you, Joshua?
JOSHUA
[QUIETLY] I mean… yeah! Sure! It’s kinda…
SYDNEY
Kind of what? Fun? Entertaining? Everything you wanted when you begged me to let you perform? Came to me three separate times asking if he could do his little stand-up routine. “Please, Sydney! It’ll be great! You’ll love it!” And I thought, why not? He’s always begging me for something, isn’t he? Because, what? I’m someone to beg for, huh?
SYDNEY
Someone you wanna slice open, Joshua? What, you’re just constantly thinking about the fastest way to— oh, not appropriate, is it?
JOSHUA
Uh—?
SYDNEY
Put the sad mask on… Go on!
JOSHUA
Uh. Boo, hoo, hoo.
SYDNEY
Picture this, everyone. It’s college. Freshman year. The air is thick with ambition and body spray and the desperation of clueless young adults. And there’s Joshua! Bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, drowning in a polo shirt two sizes too big because he thought it made him look mature.
JOSHUA
Sydney, I don’t think—
SYDNEY
Shh, shh, shh. I’m telling a story! The audience wants to hear. Don’t you want to hear, everyone?
[LAUGHTER]
See? They’re ravenous for it. So. Joshua—no, keep the mask on—Joshua and I are assigned as roommates. Picture Joshua. Every morning, he’d wake up before me. Why? Because he wanted to watch me sleep.
JOSHUA
That’s not— I was just— I wake up early. I’m a morning person—
SYDNEY
He’d sit at his desk, pretending to study, but his eyes would drift. I’d feel them on me like little wet thumbs pressing into my skin. And when I’d finally open my eyes, he’d snap his head back to his textbook quick as he could. Every. Single. Morning.
But that’s not the funny part! The funny part is what he wrote in his psychology notebook.
JOSHUA
[VOICE CRACKING] Sydney, please—
SYDNEY
Oh, did I forget to mention the notebook? Joshua used to jot down little notes to himself in the margins of his study materials, reminders like “buy more supplements” or “don’t forget next week’s test.” Most of it was pretty ordinary stuff. But then there were the… emotional entries. Strangely sensitive, almost poetic, coming from a guy who’d make frat-boy jokes about my bare legs. One time, he lent that notebook to a friend for help with an assignment. He must have forgotten what he’d scribbled in the back. That friend showed me something disturbing. Want to know what it was?
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
Pages. And pages. And pages about me.
SYDNEY
“But Sydney, that’s sweet! He admired you!” Well, admiration is when you write about someone’s accomplishments. Maybe even the things they say. Joshua wrote about the way I breathed. The way I tucked my hair behind my ear. The exact shade of my eyes in different light.
JOSHUA
[VOICE BREAKING] I was just… we were friends…
SYDNEY
Friends don’t write poetry about the curve of their friend’s collarbone. I found that entry, by the way. Very evocative.
[PAUSE]
But here’s the really funny part! The absolute pinnacle of comedy! You’re still doing it! Right now! You came to me begging. You wanna make me laugh, so I’ll give you what you want.
JOSHUA
[TEARS IN HIS VOICE] That’s not fair—
SYDNEY
Fair? Fair? You want to talk about fair? Is it fair that I can’t just exist without someone trying to drink me dry? Is it fair that every man who claims to care about me just wants to peel back my skin? Is it fair that I’m standing here bleeding out for you while you sit in that chair and cry about your feelings!?
C’mon, everyone! Isn’t that hilarious!? Look, I’m holding the happy mask up to him! Ha, ha, ha! [UPROARIOUS LAUGHING] [NARRATION FROM SYDNEY IMPOSED OVER THE LAUGHING: I’m laughing now, but it sounds wrong even to my own ears]
SYDNEY
Can you imagine? This absolute walnut thought that I— that we could ever—
[CHAIR CRASHES OVER AS JOSHUA RUNS AWAY]
SYDNEY
Oh, go ahead! Run away! Go write about this in your journal. Write about how big and mean Sydney was! Add it to the collection!
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
[WEAKLY] …And thaaaaat’s showbiz, folks!
[SILENCE]
YVONNE
[FROM THE JUDGES’ TABLE, FLAT] What the hell, Sydney.
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
What..!?
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
JEDIDIAH
You are so out of control!
SYDNEY
Ha. What? [MOCK POUT] You didn’t find it funny?
JEDIDIAH
[PACING] I don’t know what the hell is happening to you, but this isn’t the Sydney I know.
[JEDIDIAH PACING]
SYDNEY
Yes, it is! … You don’t know me!
JEDIDIAH
What is wrong with you? Why are you acting like this?
SYDNEY
What, gonna kill me about it? Bring me back so I’m a more palatable fuck!?
JEDIDIAH
I—I don’t think it was appropriate for Joshua to write those things about you but— you cannot just go saying shit like that to the whole camp body. I know you know better. You’ve been told this dozens of times.
SYDNEY
You can’t tell me what to do.
JEDIDIAH
Yeah, but Lucille can. You’re fired.
SYDNEY
What—!?
JEDIDIAH
I don’t enjoy this. It’s not my decision. But like half the staff team went rioting to her after your little stunt. Lucille was already considering it, since you’ve been neglecting your responsibilities. But— And now Yvonne probably won’t ever talk to me again, and you’re— all so you could, what? What were you trying to achieve!?
[SILENCE]
JEDIDIAH
I’m taking over the nurse’s duties for now, and we’ll be rotating announcements. You have a lot to think about—
SYDNEY
Like I’m five!?
JEDIDIAH
YOU— …
SYDNEY
Don’t talk to me like that!?
JEDIDIAH
[HE TAKES A MOMENT] You’re right, I’m sorry.
[PAUSE]
JEDIDIAH
Sydney, you know I love you… But it’s not up to me. I tried. Sorry, but I can’t protect you here.
[SILENCE]
JEDIDIAH
I have to go do nighttime meds, but I’ll be back in an hour. Lucille’s not cutting off your funds or anything, you’re just— yeah. I’ll— we can do something to take your mind off it when I get back.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]
JOSHUA [THROUGH THE DOOR]
C’mon Sydney, let’s talk about it.
SYDNEY
[SNIFF] What’s there to talk about?
JOSHUA [THROUGH THE DOOR]
Just let me in.
[FOOTSTEPS]
[DOOR OPEN]
SYDNEY
What?
[FOOTSTEPS INSIDE]
JOSHUA
You owe me an apology.
SYDNEY
[SYDNEY SITS] Do I?
JOSHUA
That was so uncool, man.
SYDNEY
Trust me, I’ve been plenty punished already.
JOSHUA
Oh my god, I’m not punishing you!
SYDNEY
Tch.
JOSHUA
Sydney, get your head out of your fuckin’ ass! Like, everyone hates you right now, and I get why!
SYDNEY
Yeah.
JOSHUA
Yeah. Yvonne thinks I should cut you off, and I’m a big stupid try-hard just like you said, but I’m giving you a chance to apologize cause like— I dunno! I guess, like, well, I already called myself stupid.
SYDNEY
[DRY LAUGH]
JOSHUA
I care about you, but you make it really hard. That was cruel, insensitive— did I say cruel? We’ve been friends for years, and Yvonne’s right, you treat me as this, like, subhuman, and I can’t say anything to get you to stop. And usually— man, usually I don’t want to! I don’t— I don’t need to, but fuck I— … [SNIFF] That really hurt. Why do I feel guilty telling you this?
SYDNEY
I dunno.
JOSHUA
I get that you’re going through it right now— you always are, but— dude, fuck you.
SYDNEY
Yeah.
JOSHUA
Your circumstances are no excuse.
SYDNEY
Yeah.
JOSHUA
You treat me like this— and I’m supposed to just take it a-and I want to, but—
[SILENCE]
JOSHUA
Why do you keep pushing me away?
SYDNEY
I don’t know Joshua, I guess—part of me [HUFF] likes it? Part of me thinks you deserve it for how— Like— when you were like… coming off really strong.
JOSHUA
You’re right, yeah. I was pretty taken with you.
SYDNEY
And that’s just it. Sure, it’s a joke but— not to me.
JOSHUA
You’re right. I was also pretty stupid.
SYDNEY
And you always take it, and you don’t fight back, so I guess I enjoy that. But you’re not innocent here, y’know.
JOSHUA
Sydney—
SYDNEY
You have no idea what it’s like to live with a man who thinks of you that way. I couldn’t escape it— at the time it was—
JOSHUA
Okay, Sydney— That’s… kinda true. I’m sorry I pestered you. I shouldn’t have done that. We were living together, and it was unfair.
SYDNEY
Mm.
JOSHUA
But I’ve been sorry. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said sorry to you, and you brought this all up last time we talked about it, too. What do I do?
SYDNEY
I—
JOSHUA
It’s been, fuck, seven years, Sydney. I was a dumbass frat-wannabe-douchebag, and I didn’t know how to talk to you. I get it. I was listening to too many podcasts. But we’re not eighteen anymore, so can you chill? If you can’t move past it, then just tell me to fuck off. That scene wasn’t even my style, and I’m over it. I had a lot of growing up to do, and I wasn’t, like, I dunno. I had a lotta stuff to unpack.
SYDNEY
I—I just… I was… [SNIFFLE]
JOSHUA
C’mon, don’t cry. It’s okay, man. I’ll drop it. We can drop it.
SYDNEY
N-no, it’s okay. Stop, don’t— look at me like that. I get it. [HE PULLS HIMSELF TOGETHER] Go on.
JOSHUA
We’re supposed to be friends, which you’re losing. And I hate that for you. You hate it too, don’t you? I get why you don’t like me. But you could stand to be a little nicer to me. Or just tell me not to talk to you again, and I won’t.
SYDNEY
[SNIFF] Yeah. I’m sorry.
JOSHUA
Mm.
SYDNEY
Th- [HE BREATHES OUT] No, like, I’m actually sorry. There was a lot of… problems for me in high school. I… I wasn’t [BREATHES OUT] over that part of, like, that type of attention was really upsetting at the time. Y’know. But I—I didn’t know how to deal with that, either. And… and I guess I just… feel like I get to be… aggressive about it. Like, I’m allowed. I’ve earned it, or something.
JOSHUA
I don’t want you to feel like you have to do that.
SYDNEY
I don’t want you to “fuck off.” You’re very sweet to me and… and I do appreciate that… I feel like all my friends are going missing or hate me. I’m sorry.
JOSHUA
I’ve been making excuses for you for years, and partly because I did feel bad for an off-color comment here and there.
SYDNEY
Mm. No, I’m sorry, Joshua. I really am. I don’t even remember half the shit you said, and it doesn’t matter anyways. I’ve been petty and cruel to you for things that weren’t your fault. I probably projected some of the… like…
JOSHUA
The what?
SYDNEY
[GRITTING THROUGH HIS TEETH] Various… scars. And you don’t deserve it.
JOSHUA
Yvonne told me I treat you too delicately.
SYDNEY
[SIGH] Sometimes I crave the opposite.
JOSHUA
I guess you got it.
SYDNEY
[SNIFFLES] A-and yeah, I probably shouldn’t be… allowed to…
JOSHUA
Hey man, it’ll blow over. This time next year, no one will remember it.
SYDNEY
I guess. If I even… Don’t comfort me about it, I don’t need it from you.
[PAUSE]
JOSHUA
You do know you can say no to me, right?
SYDNEY
Yes. I’m sorry. I do really want you around. And I fucked up. I’ll make it up to you.
JOSHUA
Just cut it out, and it’s fine.
SYDNEY
I will. Promise.
JOSHUA
[SIGH] I forgive you. I do sympathize with you. Like, I’m mad at you, but I get it.
SYDNEY
Mm.
JOSHUA
More than you give credit.
SYDNEY
There may be some truth to that.
JOSHUA
I just hate watching you suffer.
SYDNEY
Join the club, I guess.
[SILENCE]
JOSHUA
[HE STRUGGLES] Sydney we…. [SIGH] You must know.
SYDNEY
Yeah.
JOSHUA
How I’ve loved you.
SYDNEY
[PAUSE] Yes.
JOSHUA
We could’ve…
[SILENCE]
[SHUFFLING AS JOSHUA GETS ON HIS KNEE]
JOSHUA
We… I don’t just— like you for what you can give me. I— that was… just me being a teen. But I could make you happy. I know I could. I’m working towards my MD if you just give me a few more years, and—and I wouldn’t force you to work. I—I’m almost done. I could take care of you. I know you hate Lucille, and I know how cruel she is to you. It doesn’t have to be this way. You know that, right?
[SILENCE]
JOSHUA
I’d introduce you to my friends. I’d take you to meet your own friends. You could join my book club. We’d find a way for you to travel on your own, and you could go wherever you want, whenever you want. We could start a family one day. Raise children together. I know you’ve dreamed of children, and you don’t have to… y’know… w-we could find some down-on-their-luck kid who needs a home… we’d work together, and you could get some rest.
[HE BREATHES]
JOSHUA
I’m an idiot, yeah. But I know the body, and I know you. I don’t want you to suffer like this. I— I’ve felt like all I can do is— but I—I know what I can do. I’ll find a treatment for it, Sydney.
[SILENCE]
JOSHUA
We could go on walks together. I wouldn’t make you go farther than you can handle. We could teach our children how to ride their bikes. Those little craft dolls you make could be Christmas gifts. I could… I could help you with PT. Are you in PT right now? You need to be in PT.
[SILENCE]
JOSHUA
We could take our kids down to the lake and sit on the shore while they play. Maybe we’d bring that ratty old picnic blanket you hate, but the grass would be damp, so we’d have to. The kids would shriek and chase minnows. You’d sit beside me and rest your head on my shoulder. I’d hand you a sandwich, and we’d talk about nothing, just watching them run around. Maybe you’d call me an idiot because I packed too much chipotle and it spilled in the basket.
[SILENCE]
JOSHUA
I don’t just— I would be happy never touching you, if that’s what you want. I just want to hear you talk. I’d come home every day to hear you talk. Maybe about how much you like the color we painted the walls, or about how interesting the book we’re reading is, or about how much you got done that day.
[SILENCE]
JOSHUA
And I would never leave.
[SILENCE]
JOSHUA
Say something, please. Doesn’t it sound nice?
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
[SOFTLY] It does.
JOSHUA
Doesn’t it?
SYDNEY
[CHOKING UP] It really does.
JOSHUA
It does.
SYDNEY
We’d have a good life.
JOSHUA
We could have a good life.
SYDNEY
I believe you…
[SYDNEY PULLS AWAY]
But I’m not living any life.
[CLICK]
Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Joshua MacHeath was performed by Ty Coker.
The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.
The role of Yvonne Marley was performed by Emily Safko.
With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto.
Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler, and Another You.
Dialogue editing by The Leo!
Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.
And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible!
Special thanks to Riversofivy, The Roaches, and Squidney Sargent.
To join them, and to get behind-the-scenes content like bloopers, development notes, early access to episodes, interactive events, and more, visit the Patreon at patreon.com/bluewolfe.
You can also join the official Discord server to connect with fellow listeners and discuss the latest episode—find the link in the description of today’s episode.
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Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: [Prolonged Note]