Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.

Episode Sixty Two: For Your Own Safety

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

[BREATHING HEAVY] Stupid, stupid, stupid! Stupid Lucille! Ugh!

[STOMPING BACK AND FORTH]

She made me turn my recorder off, and I tried to keep it on anyways but then she forced me to turn it off and made sure I put it down. I’m in her office and she’s just. UGH—

She’s… [CHOKING UP] I’m…

[MIMICKING LUCILLE] ‘Do you have a death wish, you stupid boy!? How could you do that!?’ And, like I’m some fucking idiot, she— she’s demanding I answer her, and how am I supposed to answer that question!? Yes! I fucking do! Are you happy? Does that make you feel good to hear? It’s not normal, is it?

Lie with it! You fucker!

[MIMICKING HER AGAIN] ‘You wound the people who love you when you behave so recklessly! You only have two eyes!’ she says! And then she goes ‘or had…’ and I laugh, and she’s like ‘you think this is funny’ Yeah, it is! It’s all really funny!

Then she goes on about caring about me, and this being hard to watch. ‘What am I supposed to do with you!?’ she says. I dunno, Lucille! Leave me the fuck alone! Everyone leave me the fuck alone!

[PACING]

Then—then she called me stupid again and she— she said… I can’t… leave Jedidiah’s sight. From now on. I tell her she can’t do this to me, and she says I’ve done plenty to myself! Or that ‘that devil has done plenty to you already!’ and that she—she can’t even look at me… When have you ever anyways!?

Then… she went to go get Jedidiah… And that I can’t… can’t leave this room ‘til she gets back… [SOUNDS OF BARELY CONTAINED SOBBING]

[ANGERED WHEEZING]

MYSTERY MAN

So the boy runs to the washroom in the woman’s office. The artificial light buzzes overhead, sickly and sallow. His hands shudder against the lock. His breath fogs the mirror, and when it clears, the boy observes himself. At least, what remains.

[SYDNEY’S BREATH HEAVING]

And what the mirror shows him is a creature he does not recognize. His hair hangs long and lank past his shoulders, framing a face gone gaunt and listless. The eye, the one which remains, is rife with fury.

His hands find the mirror cabinet. He wrenches it open, and the contents shift and clatter; cotton swabs, a tin of petroleum jelly, tiny jars of drying specimens. He frantically scatters them about.

He finds a pair of gardening shears. Then he stops.

He pulls them free and holds them up, and they shine against the yellow light.

He brings the shears to his face…

And shears across his hair.

The blades bite through the first handful. Dark strands fall to the floor. He grabs another fistful. And another. Chunk after chunk falls away. The strands grow jagged, hacked short in some places and left ragged in others.

He cuts until the hair sits choppy and ruined at his shoulders. The floor is littered with it.

He stares at himself.

[SYDNEY DROPS THE SHEARS]

[SOUNDS OF SYDNEY OPENING DOORS AND WALKING OUT OF THE OFFICE, DOWN THE HALL, AND OUTSIDE]

[BIRDS CHIRP] [SYDNEY SILENTLY LISTENS]

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

YVONNE

Goodmorning, campers! This is your favorite fill-in announcer, Yvonne Marley, coming at you live from the mess hall office, which I have barricaded! Why? Great question!

We have a situation.

I’m going to use the word “infestation” because I think that’s the correct term, and also because I looked up “biblical plague,” and technically that requires locusts, so we’re not there! … Yet!

It’s ants. Many ants! And I don’t mean, like, “oh, someone left a juice box out, and now there’s a little, buggy hype train.” But ants covering every surface. And they’re marching in patterns that make zero sense. I watched a trail go from the supply shed, loop around the flagpole, cut through the volleyball field in a figure eight, and then just… pile up. They weren’t at a food source or nest or anything, just… crawling up over one another on that trail by Cabin Ladybug. Kinda like this tall, wriggling mound. Eugh!

And centipedes! They’re in the windowsills. They’re in the staff fridge! I found one curled inside my Battery Acid mug this morning like a little cinnamon roll from hell. Legs for days. [LAUGH] Literally. [GRAVE] … So many legs.

Battery Acid is my morning mix of Redbull, sour gummy worms, and a bit of [COUGH] illicit liquid [COUGH], by the way. You guys aren’t allowed to drink it.

When I first noticed these guys yesterday, I genuinely thought they were fake. I thought: Trevor! Again! I thought he was pulling another one of his little pranks on me. Because they were like, perfectly still. Like those little rubber bugs. I picked one up. And I held it between my fingers, and I’m thinking: “Trevor, you rat! I’m going to put these in your pillowcase.” And then it moved.

Uhhhhh I may have thrown it. But in my defense, it had about forty legs and every single one of them touched my palm individually. Like a little centipede handshake. Uhm! No thank you!!!

They’re just about everywhere now. And I mean, summer camps have bugs. As much as that creeps me out, it’s, like, just a fact of life, right? But I dunno about this.

Joshua says we should call someone. I asked him who. He said, “I don’t know, an exterminator?” And I was like, “Joshua, we are in the middle of nowhere, Ohio. Who are we calling?” And he was like, “Well, not me, I don’t do bugs.” Very helpful. Thank you. We tried Super Slaughter Bros, but their number’s defunct. Guess they went outta business? [SIGH]

We’re not sure what to do about it yet. Warren’s been sweeping them off the porches, but they just come right back. Soren’s suggested we, uhm, “negotiate.” But I think that’s a joke…?

But! Here’s the thing! We are not going to let a few million— uhm, billion insects ruin our schedule! There’s been worse! Probably! So activities will continue as planned today. Cabin Magpie Moth, you’ve got blindfold archery at ten. Cabin Grasshopper, evil arts and crafts. Cabin Widow Spider, you’re on a nature walk, which— Yeah, I know, the irony is not lost on me. Just… wear closed-toed shoes. And socks. And maybe tape the socks to your pants.

And! I’ve been pushing for this, and no one’s told me no, so! We are doing another Gamer Hour tonight! Thaaaat’s right! Charge up whatever handheld you smuggled past check-in!

Listen, I know some of you think it’s just noise. But there’s something about the static of a video game that’s good for the soul. I mean… That warm, fuzzy hum of a screen doing its thing, and the way your brain just… turns off for a while and lets your thumbs do the thinking. It’s meditative! I used to sit in our dorm and just let the TV run on a dead channel sometimes, and I swear the white noise fixed up something loose in my head every time.

Okay! This has been Yvonne Marley! I’m gonna get off before something with too many legs crawls into the PA system. Stay frosty, campers!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

YVONNE

Okayyyyyy, minor update. Uhm…

Okay, so remember how I said ants? And centipedes? Cool. Well. They brought friends. A lot. It’s like they sent out invitations to every goddamn bug in the state of Ohio that said, “Hey! Open bar at Camp Here & There, bring your WHOLE ASS FAMILY!”

[QUIETER] Huh—? What do you—? Oh. Yeah. Sorry, I won’t curse anymore… You’re right, yeah.

We’ve got— okay, let me just— UH! We’ve got carpenter ants, which are the big ones. We’ve got the tiny ones that I don’t know the name of. Sugar ants? Spider ants? I don’t care what they’re called, but they’re everywhere. We’ve got centipedes still, obviously, those haven’t left. I think they’re reproducing in the walls. Cool! Yay!

But now we’ve also got beetles. Like, big fat shiny ones that click when they flip over. And the sound they make when they fly like “bzzzz bzzzzz bzzzzz” is, like, ontologically evil. And earwigs! Which are the ones with the little butt pincers, and I need everyone to know that I am being so brave right now because earwigs are my number one, top tier, absolutely not, no thank you, get away from me bug. Aye-aye-aye!

And they’ve been, uh, I guess swirling? Like, all the patterns they’re marching in make this… like, one big giant swirl. And it all comes back to the mess hall, I’ve noticed.

Right, so like I went into the mess hall about twenty minutes ago because I thought, okay, maybe it’s not that bad in there. I was hoping that you kids could eat your glowing corn nuggets in peace.

Okay, well, it is so bad!

The floor is… okay. Imagine if someone took a carpet. Like— A shaggy carpet. But instead of fibers, it’s just— it’s bugs. It’s just… it’s bugs. Wall to wall. I stepped in, and my foot went crunch, and I went “nope,” and I turned right back! Across my legs, all those sticky bugs looked like little poppy seeds, and I had to do a funny, stupid dance to get them all off. And then Joshua laughed at me with Trevor, and I hope you both die in a fire.

There are so many of them layered on top of each other that you can’t even see the floor. It’s this shifting, undulating, living rug of insects. And they’re all different kinds too. Like it’s not even one species being gross, it’s a whole rave of disgusting! Except there’s nothing PLUR about this. [LAUGH] Heh. PLUR bugs…

And the food— oh man. Oh man oh man. So Matthew had prep stuff out for today’s lunch, right? He’s come back from his sabbatical today. The hog eggs? Consumed. I mean, they’re still there, but now they’re egg-shaped masses of ants. The beetles got into the warthog starch bins, and I don’t even want to describe what the inside of the pig pudding container looks like right now.

I’m going to be sick.

[SHAKY LAUGH] We’re handling it!

Here’s the plan!

Step one! Warren and Soren are doing a perimeter sweep with brooms and— okay, it’s just brooms and dustpans. We don’t have, like, industrial pesticide or whatever. Or if we do, Sydney knows where it is and— er… And we have one of those little handheld vacuum cleaners that Marisol brought for lint. I dunno how effective it’ll be, but we’ll give it an honest shot!

Step two! We are sealing the cabins! Put duct tape on eeeevery little crevice where something could wiggle through. Cabin Silkworm is already done, because Joshua went absolutely feral with the tape gun. Now our door looks like a silver mummy, heh. But it works! There’s still a centipede in my shoe, but I’ve decided that’s his shoe now. I’m not fighting him for it. But I’m not going barefoot either, so I’ve got Joshua’s shoes, and he’s roughing it. Hehehehehe…

Step three! Soren apparently has some kind of herbal… repellent… type thing? I don’t know the details. He said something about aromatic deterrent or something. I do not know what that means. But he’s making little bundles of stuff that smells like uh, sorta like bleach cleaner mixed with firewood, and we’re hanging them around the doorways.

Step four! Meals are being relocated to the outdoor pavilion until further notice! We’re pulling from the emergency pantry, which is in the cellar, which is— Okay, we checked after pulling the boards down, and it’s mostly clear down there. There are a few stragglers, but nothing like the mess hall situation. So! Lunch today will be served outside! And it’s, uh, a pig-like lunch.

Ahem. [NERVOUS] I mean, I love bugs! I love them so much. They’re my friends, and I want them all to leave immediately.

Okay! That’s the update! Everything is under control!

Signing off! Go team!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

YVONNE

I need everyone to stay calm. Okay. Cool. Love you guys.

So. The bugs, uh, grew. Like, vertically. I don’t know how to describe this. Around every structure in camp, the sanitorium, the art cabin, the flagpole, they started climbing. And piling. Layer upon layer upon layer, like—like they were trying to build something. … Or bury something. I dunno. I watched from the sanitorium window as the side of Cabin Grasshopper just… disappeared. There was wood paneling, and then there was bug. Like, an entire wall of insects three inches thick, and growing thicker.

The windows. Oh god, the windows. They’re spilling out of the windows. Like— okay, you know when you overfill a bathtub and the water just kind of lazily rolls over the edge? It’s that, but with millions of little creepy-crawlies. Cabin Ladybug’s got these twin waterfalls of centipedes cascading out both sides. It looks like the building is crying legs. I can’t— I literally cannot process what I see.

The art cabin has the same thing. The supply shed has beetles coming out of the chimney vent like smoke. I actually thought it was on fire at first, and I ran over with the extinguisher, and then I got close enough to see that it was just a column of shiny black beetles funneling up and out and— Eugh…

To be honest, I’m not sure we need locusts to call this a biblical plague. But I dunno, there’s probably a few locusts here too. [PAINED] Ohhhh locusts…

So here’s what happened next, and I need to— Okay, I need to get some perspective here. Like, they gave me this silly announcement job cause of… everything else going on, but like, what am I really supposed to say now? I’m trying to be descriptive and engaging, but like… What do you guys want? Am I supposed to just— …

Eh. I dunno. Jedidiah showed up at the admin building about an hour ago. I was there to see if we could get a hold of Lucille, but she wasn’t answering. Uhm. He grabbed Sydney—like, grabbed him by the arm—and said they needed to go to the mess hall. And Sydney didn’t argue. He was just silent, actually.

And I followed them because nobody told me not to. And I’m nosy, and because I wasn’t staying in the admin building alone.

So we get to the mess hall. And it’s— okay, so it was a living carpet before. Now it’s like the whole building has been swallowed from the inside. The walls are thick with it all. The ceiling is dripping bugs. The lights have taken on this sick, yellow shadow, quivering in and out as creatures inch across the bulbs. Jedidiah’s crunching through them, pulling boards off shelves, shoving them off walls, muttering to himself. He tells us to stay by the door.

And Sydney’s despondent. Bugs are crawling all over him, and he’s staring at the floor with this weird expression…

Jedidiah’s across the room, trying to get to the ceiling. And Sydney, like, he walks— struggles, kinda, into the center of the mess hall, bugs crunching and popping under every step. He drops to his knees. He digs his fingers into the gap between two floorboards and pulls.

The wood comes up with this soggy, splintering gasp. And underneath—

[PAUSE]

It’s a mirror.

It’s a cracked mirror. And the cracks— that’s where they’re coming from. Every fissure in the glass is like a little doorway. Bugs are pouring out of it in rivers, like the mirror is vomiting them out. Ants, centipedes, beetles, earwigs, bees, uhm, things I don’t have names for. They’re erupting from the crack lines in these horrible, glistening columns.

And Sydney— He just reaches down and grabs it. Like, full-on, both hands. And I’m thinking, okay, cool. He’s going to pick up the weird, creepy bug mirror. That’s a normal thing to do on a Friday, sure!

But it doesn’t move. And at first I think it’s just, like, bolted down or something, but then Sydney pulls harder. The floorboards around it start to crack and splinter outward, and I can see— I can see what’s holding it. These, like, vines. They’re wrapped around the underside of the mirror. And they’re woven across the floor joists, and they just keep going. Like, into this pit beneath the mess hall. And I think like, they stretch into those tunnels. I can see them snaking off into the dark. The bugs are crawling along them like highways. Like the vines are their infrastructure for their gross little interstate system.

So Sydney pulls. And the mirror doesn’t give. And it’s like trying to yank a tooth out of the earth’s skull.

He just… stops pulling. And he stands up. And his hands are bleeding from the glass edges, and there are bugs crawling up his wrists, and he looks— he looks at nothing.

Jedidiah is yelling. I think. I can hear his voice, but I can’t make out the words because the sound of the bugs is so loud now; this clicking, hissing roar, and—

Sydney picks up a lantern. One of the old oil ones that we hung along the mess hall walls for movie nights. He lifts it off the hook.

And he throws it into the pit.

I watch it fall. It tumbles end over end. The flame inside flickers, and it hits the vines about six feet down and just—

[SHE MAKES A NOISE WITH HER MOUTH] Fwoom!

The fire catches like the vines are soaked in kerosene. The whole pit lights up orange and gold, and this sick, oily black smoke starts billowing up. The heat hits my face like opening an oven.

I don’t— I don’t know how to say it. The vines writhe and thrash. They coil and uncoil and twist against each other. The mirror cracks with like, a horrible, sharp sound—

Oh god, the bugs.

They pour out in waves. They’re biting. I feel them on my ankles, and my arms, pinching and tearing at any exposed skin.

Sydney doesn’t move. He watches the fire crawl deeper into the tunnels. Jedidiah’s yelling at us to get out, so I grab him by the back of his shirt and haul. And he’s heavier than he looks. But I’m dragging him backward through the crunching, biting wave of insects, and he’s not helping. And the bugs are crawling up, up, up with this screaming fury and panic.

I get him to the door. I shove him through. I dive after him.

And then the mess hall— I don’t even know how to— it just— tumbles. The roof caves first, then the walls. There’s this massive groaning, and a column of fire and smoke punches straight up through the center, where the roof used to be.

We’re heaving on the ground, maybe twenty feet away. Bugs are swarming around us. But they’re disoriented now. I can feel welts rising on my arms and legs where they bit me. My ears are ringing.

The mess hall is… in flames, still. Uhm… we just don’t… know what to do now… I—…

[SIGH] Yeah. It’s been burning for about half an hour now, for those of you who missed exactly what happened.

We’re gonna need to… figure out what to do next. I don’t know what you guys want from me. It’s supposed to rain tonight but, like… I don’t know if that helps.

Okay. Yeah.

I kinda wanna… do more gamer hour. Haha.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

Talk to me, Sydney.

SYDNEY

[QUIET] There’s nothing to say. You win.

JEDIDIAH

I’m not trying to win anything.

SYDNEY

I can’t misbehave anymore. Isn’t that a good thing?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t like it when I feel like I can’t answer without arguing.

SYDNEY

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry that Lucille yelled at you. It’s not fair to you.

SYDNEY

What do you care?

JEDIDIAH

She shouldn’t do that. I don’t like it when she yells at me either.

SYDNEY

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

This isn’t forever. I can’t— I don’t know what to do, Sydney.

SYDNEY

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

What do I do?

[SILENCE]

JEDIDIAH

Uhm. I like your hair…? I-is it just… [SIGH] … [QUIET] I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

Yeah.

JEDIDIAH

For what it’s worth I— well, I’m gonna try and… wean you off her, a little. Like… Like, you should probably be able to order your own shampoo. I don’t want you to have to— … ask her. And maybe we could get a computer working here.

SYDNEY

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

I can’t— know what’s on your mind. I feel it’s… important that I voice that, like, you’re not… ruined or… or that you’re not… I don’t think you’re more or less palatable for anything, and I don’t want you to— like, stake your worth on that. I—

SYDNEY

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

I just— love you… as you are… And… and I want you to, like, know that in your heart.

SYDNEY

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

But I don’t want you to see me as, like, telling you what to feel. Augh. [HE SUCKS IN] I’m lost.

SYDNEY

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

Would you… like to… uhm. Play a game, maybe?

[PAUSE]

[SHUFFLING AWAY FROM HIM]

SYDNEY

It doesn’t matter.

[SILENCE]

[CLICK]

Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.

The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.

The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.

The role of Yvonne Marley was performed by Emily Safko.

The role of Mystery Man was performed by Jalen Askins.

With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto. 

Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler, and Another You.

 Dialogue editing by The Leo!

 Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.

And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible! 

Special thanks to Corvus Walker, Jacob Aidan, and Masha the Sea Entity.

To join them, and to get behind-the-scenes content like bloopers, development notes, early access to episodes, interactive events, and more, visit the Patreon at patreon.com/bluewolfe.

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 Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: The spine pins the thought.