Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Fifty Seven: Down to the Bottom of the River
LUCILLE [VOICEMAIL]
What!
JEDIDIAH [ON THE PHONE]
Lucille… Christ. Are you going to stop ignoring me yet? Thought maybe you’d answer… Because… I don’t know.
Guess I can’t even expect that from you, huh?
[PAUSE]
I know the owl was… [SCOFF] I know. But you have to get over it, okay? There’s something more important I need to talk to you about.
Okay, get back to me.
[PHONE BEEPS OUT]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Goodmorning my beloved bushels of barberries!
I hope everyone took care during my last ill-fated absence. Luckily, we have all successfully recovered from the rapid onset of the Chronically Wasting Deer— I mean— of the common cold… Of course, the bends and twists in your limbs are all perfectly normal! Indeed, children, the common cold is known for morphing and twisting ones skeletal makeup until it feels as though you are best friends with the noble pretzel! [HE LAUGHS] So if any of you start feeling a little “knotty” today, stay away from any large vats of boiling oil!
Myself, well… I feel just fantastic! Really! Couldn’t be better! I am the screaming, sniveling picture of health!
The time is 8:64 AM and the sky is glowing a delightful seafoam behind a blazing red sun, like the jiggly corners of a particularly foggy frog jello! And just our luck too, because today is—as we’ve previously had to reschedule—the tragically belated Lake Day! [HE CLAPS]
Juno and Mila did just a FANTASTIC job at de-necro-glassing the Eerily Gelatinous waters. With their courageous efforts, the lake now sits pristine and unbothered by foolish flights of necromatic fancy. Now, Mila did say she couldn’t help with lifeguard duty today due to her… [TONGUE CLICK] foot. So! She’ll be assisting Motthew in the kitchen instead.
You heard that right, campers! Our very own Camper Motthew, who you all know and love! Chef Matthew—long may his reign of culinary ingenuity last—has been sorely absent from the concrete kitchen chamber ever since the destruction of his beloved soup pot. From what I’ve been told, he’s taken a prolonged hiatus. According to the note tacked to the wall of the walk-in freezer, he is “pursuing higher spiritual healing vis-à-vis the consumption and inhalation of freon.”
Hm.
But everyone give a warm welcome to head chef Motthew, Matthew’s dark and fuzzy little apprentice-in-training! He’s kept the kitchen extraordinarily tidy, if you ignore the alarming frequency of silk threads among the vats of boiling oil.
It is such a delight to watch Motthew stare, unblinking with his red, bulging eyes, at the breakfast crowd from behind the serving window, as he taps his spoon to the steel frame in a slow, repetitious motion. The only thing he loves more than a blue-boiled egg is making prolonged eye contact while you eat it! What a creative and modern approach to food service!
Ah, however, breakfast today will be eaten in a [DARKLY] pure, perverse darkness. [CHIPPER AGAIN] Not for any evil reason, of course, but because Motthew tends to hover around the florescents, and we want his eyes on the prize! That is, giant boiling vats of oil!!
Thank you, Motthew!
Ah, Lake Day… one of the more exciting days of the session. Those soggy muscles, those jelly shores, the crumple of a half-eaten pool noodle… Oh, campers! Today is the day!
Normally, my wheelhouse, sadly, does not involve the wide-open waters. I don’t like being submerged. Something about the light… floating abyss… that sweet absence of breath… it makes my skin crawl. Of course there was the time I slipped into that ravine, but hey, I was just feeling a little quirky! [HE LAUGHS] And I was, as some of you may remember, famously banned from swimming for the entire 2014 season after an… incident, the details of which are still tied up in arbitration with [COUGHING] redacted legal counsel. [MUMBLE] I wonder if I could talk to Juniper about that actually…
But this year, I find myself unreasonably excited! There’s a smell to Lake Day, a kind of dewy brine with a hint of wet elbow, that always reminds me of coming alive after a p-p-prolonged sleep! [MANIC BREATHE] It reminds me, too, of Jedidiah—who I am happy to report has finally agreed to join us, despite his usual reluctance and the fact that he is, in his own words, “a little washed up today.”
[SYDNEY LAUGHS A LITTLE TOO LONG]
All this to say, participation in aquatic activities is not only encouraged, but mandatory! Unless you suffer from hydrophobia, heliophobia, or the toiled ailement of the spirit, in which case, see me in the nurse’s office for a dose of boiling hot oil!
And as a final note for this morning: If any camper or staff sees Rowan… please report back.
Okay, campers, today’s breakfast is mothballs! Enjoy your meal, and see you within the sodden expanse!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Hi-ho, campers! Hello, my little froglets!
Some people say to eat light before going for a swim. But I say that you’ll float easier if your body’s already bloated. Not that I’m a bloat expert! That honor goes to the neighboring Camp Over Where, whose staff—minus Mavis—all believe in stuffing three meals back-to-back before any strenuous horseplay. Incorrigible, the lot of them, but adorable if you’re a fan of slug-behavior.
Speaking of Camp Over Where, today the kids, formerly denizens of our humble abode, have joined us for a wonderful, rousing bout of “friendly” aquatic challenges!
Led by their quaint, ever-attentive director Adam!
Now, Jedidiah loves sportsmanship like he loves a needle to soft tissue—that is to say: it gives him an unidentifiable feeling resembling dread, or perhaps obligation. When Adam suggested we all partake in a river-based competition, Jedidiah’s face went paler than milk in a snowstorm! So funny!
Today’s main event is the River Raft Rendezvous! Or, if that’s too much of a mouthful, you may refer to it as: The Big Wet.
Here’s how it goes: Two teams each with a raft, and we’ll partner up for one-on-one races, going down the river that slopes just into the lake!
And I know I said I’m no fan of moist activities. Still, Adam made a very good point during his pitch: it’s important that I try new things, challenge myself to step out of my comfort zone, and confront things that ruffle me; otherwise, I’ll completely stagnate in my journey of self-actualization! I think he’s right. He sure is a good friend, isn’t he, campers? And while it is uncomfortable, it’s also thrilling! That’s a good lesson, campers! Ha, imagine it. Me, on a raft! Oh, I hope I’m not too heavy!
I admit, I’m quite excited for the whole thing! What’s the worst that could happen? We’ll all tumble in, catch an unidentifiable parasite or two, and if we’re lucky, come back out with a new tail or an extra set of eyes!
[LAMENTING] But Jedidiah, keeps trying veto the idea. In the pitch meeting, he reminded us all of, quote, “river statistics” and the, air quotes, “dangers of waterborne brain-eaters.” Which, to be fair, is a real threat around this area of Ohio, but who hasn’t dealt with a bit of freshwater prion’s disease now and then!
He’s… really pushy about it. But it’s my decision to participate! And with one lifeguard incapacitated, the more adults around the better, right? And I deserve to have fun too… right?
Well, for lunch Motthew has scraped the limescale from the empty swimming pool at the Southside bathhouse. No one goes out there anymore ever since that seasnake ate the— uh… ever since the seasnake… Uhm. Well, you know!
Anyways, eat well campers, and I’ll see you all at the river raft rendezvous!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Oh my God, stop. I’ll be fine!
JEDIDIAH
It’s not safe…
SYDNEY
I thought you said you can’t control me!
JEDIDIAH
That doesn’t mean you should jeopardize your safety on purpose!
SYDNEY
God. It’s swimming, Jedidiah.
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
What is this really about?
JEDIDIAH
Nothing! Just… Adam is—
SYDNEY
[NOISE OF ANNOYANCE]
JEDIDIAH
Can you… c-can you just— not do it? F-for me? Just once. Please.
SYDNEY
Why?
JEDIDIAH
Just— as a favor, okay? I—I don’t think it’s safe for you—
SYDNEY
Why?
JEDIDIAH
I—
[SILENCE]
JEDIDIAH
I can’t explain it.
SYDNEY
Cool.
[FOOTSTEPS]
JEDIDIAH
Sydney— Sydney, wait!
[JEDIDIAH RUNS AFTER HIM]
[CLICK]
LUCILLE [VOICEMAIL]
What!
JEDIDIAH [ON THE PHONE]
Christ, Lucille. Still not answering, huh? I think— I think we need to do something about Sydney and that Adam creature.
He’s not going to hear it from me. I tried, and he won’t talk to me now, even after I let up. He might listen to you, though. Maybe… Oh, Lord.
Lucille, listen to me. You know better than anyone the magic that goes on here. He… And he knows. Listen. Lucille, he knows.
And Sydney thinks I don’t notice the scars but—but I do…
I dreamt… I remember it so vividly. Every. Single. Detail. I never remember my dreams… Last night— It was heinous…
I dreamt of a river… cutting through the dark with a silvery edge. I stood at the bank. Adam knelt in the shrubby grass across from me. The world was blue; a blue night, like twilight.
His eyes glow a bright cherry in the half-light as he cradles the bare body beneath him. S-sydney’s…
[GULP]
“You think you know a body,” he says, “but you, and I, and even he—” he thumbs Sydney’s clavicle, “haven’t gotten to the meat of the matter yet.”
He lies Sydney—awake—down in the misty grass.
The sight is stomach-turning. From across the river, I watch Adam lay his palms flat across Sydney’s smooth chest. His thumbs nestle in the hollow space just beneath the xyphoid process. The skin here is thin, crinkling up at his lateral scars like the tissue of a goodie bag.
Adam’s eyes are glittering with anticipation. With a push, he rips his claws into Sydney’s skin.
The red of Sydney’s hypodermis parts to either side, pulped with blue veins and steam. Adam’s hands are delicate for all their size. He hooks two fingers under the ribcage. There’s a wet, blunt crunch, and then he’s pulling up bone. The body is exposed; lungs, heart, entrails, all salty and pink and puckered up at the cold.
Sydney giggles.
With a contented hum, Adam pulls out the liver, heavy and glistening like a river stone. He holds it to the sky as a blue shimmer plays across its surface. Next, lungs. He tears them from the cavity with a sound like wet paper. Sydney giggles so hard his teeth begin to chatter.
With a lunge, Adam rakes his hands deeper into the viscera, coming away with pancreas, with coiled and bulging intestine. He drapes a throbbing string of bowels around Sydney’s throat like a feather boa and laughs, and Sydney laughs with him; the sound high and thin like a party favor whistle. Adam picks a piece of lung and chews on it, then offers it across the body. Sydney howls out like a hyena.
Adam continues. Sydney’s hands flutter in the grass as Adam works. His fingers the edges of his own wound, and he presses against the plates of his own bone. He giggles. Oh, Christ.
I am everywhere—a disjointed stare, omnipresent and swirling among the flitting, translucent cloud of vertigo. I try to wake. I try to wake. I try to wake UP! But I am everywhere. I am in the bloody grass. I am in the river shine. I am in the breath leaking from Sydney’s chewed lung.
Adam keeps working, picking through the colors and textures, searching for the best cut in the stack. Sydney’s hands flutter up, drag along Adam’s cheek, ruffle through his hair, then drop to the grass, twitching with nerves.
Adam pulls up the heart last. He gives it a quick, juvenile squeeze. Sydney gasps. His pelvis jerks with a startled hiccup. Then he heaves a sigh and lays his head back. As he giggles in quiet, feathery gasps, Adam rolls the heart between his palms. He prods and squeezes, sort of like how you would feel for the ripe squish of a peach. Then he raises it to his lips… and bites the apex off.
The sound… you ever bite your knuckle and scrape your teeth against the knobby bone? And the grinding drag of your mouth echoes with a wet, blunt bludgeon all the way through the solids of your head?
Sydney’s laughter ramps into a crescendo.
A piece of cartilage dangles from Adam’s lip. “Do you want to see what’s left?”
I can’t answer. Nausea spikes up from the back of my tongue.
Adam bends low, whispers something into Sydney’s ear, and kisses his temple before plunging his face into the cavity, trembling at the knees with the effort to plow through his entrails.
When he’s finished, he sits back and wipes his mouth with the back of his hand, sniffling from the hemoglobin gunked up in his nose.
My poor Sydney… he’s spilled all over the grass. Adam turns to face me and tilts his head.
“How does this make you feel?”
[GULP]
Then Adam gives me a playful smile. I feel icy as he thumbs along Sydney’s thighs.
“I call it Rorschach’s gaping wound,” he says.
Sydney is barely coherent now, his eyes fluttering with fatigue and a languid gaze towards the water.
Adam wraps his arms under the body, then heaves to a stand. His eyes stay locked on me, his stare a glower, as he walks towards the shallows. The water has stilled, reflecting the blue of the night sky, and dotted with tiny white stars.
With Sydney in his arms, he lets the water run to his feet, then to his legs as he wades further in. When the water reaches his hips, he lowers Sydney gently towards the surface. The river pools into his open chest, flowing down the cavity and around his dazed face.
Sydney’s eyes widen with fright just as Adam pushes him beneath the ripple.
The water bubbles and swells, frothing at Adam’s arms. There’s a hint of struggle, but with his entrails pooling in a dark cloud among the waves, he can’t amount to much.
The trembling ebbs, but the water doesn’t quite still. My tears puddle ripples on the surface.
With a grin, Adam winks the eye not soaked in blood.
“Who are you going to tell, Mr. Martin?”
I—I—I—… I don’t know the last time I— …
[SNIFFLE, A CHOKED CRY] Something. Please, mom.
[PHONE BEEPS OUT]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Evening campers, righteous ripples to all my foam-fingered friends. It’s 19:10 PM, and the sky has settled in a mirthy red, as if the blazing scarlett suns expanded to swallow the vast expanse.
[SIGH] Lake Day was… well, it was something, wasn’t it, campers?
River Raft Rendezvous went off without a hitch at first. Cabin Grasshopper absolutely demolished Cabin Dungbeetle, and I must say, watching little Gopher paddle with the ferocity of a frothing beaver was truly inspiring! Juniper, unfortunately, seemed a bit too on edge to participate this year. It’s a shame, too, because Lake Day is his favorite seasonal activity. But instead of taking a load off and flopping around, he just kept glancing towards the far slope…
But Juno did a fantastic job keeping watch from the banks, even if she did spend most of her time staring at that one tooth-flower. I get it though. The saliva did smell like boiling hot oil.
And no one minded the little Dubious Creature watching us from the woods! Thank you for keeping us company, Dubious Creature!
Then came my turn! Oh, campers, my turn was… [NERVOUS LAUGH] exhilarating is the word I’ll use!
Adam and I were raft partners. He insisted, actually, since it would be “more comfortable” to pair up with someone I know well. [HE CHUFFS] Jedidiah tried to stop us, but I mean, who’s actually allowed to intercept a bit of fun between two adults?
And we started off beautifully! The current was gentle at first, just a little tug and pull, like being rocked about in a creaky cradle. Adam sat behind me, calling out paddling instructions just past my neck. “Left! Right! Harder, Sydney!” Very encouraging! Very inspiring!
But then… we hit the bend where the river narrows before it opens into the lake. That spot where the water gets all frothy and aggressive.
“Left!” Adam called out, but… we really should have gone right.
The raft jerked a violent, vigorous shake that sent my stomach swinging. The world tilted sideways, and then we were spinning, spinning, spinning in this— a whirlpool… just inside the lake.
The water grabbed us with greedy little fingers and pulled us into its spiraling maw. Round and round we went, the sky and trees blurring into a nauseating carousel of color. My fingers dug into the handles so firmly I thought my knuckles would burst through my skin. The raft bucked beneath us like a living, braying bull.
Water sprayed up in sheets, freezing cold, filling my mouth when I tried to call out. The sound of its motion, this roaring, gurgling chunter, drowned out everything else. My heart was buzzing in my ribs.
The terror! It seized me by the throat and pinched tight. Every rotation brought us closer to the center, to that dark, sucking void at the heart of the whirlpool. I could see down into it—down, down, down into the depths of the downdraft abyss. It was… beautiful in a way. The swirling drift thrummed with a majestic sort of pulse… almost like the beating soul of the lake. Falling under there, I’d no doubt be trammeled into suffocation.
But—and here’s the strange part, campers—it was also… [BREATHLESS] invigorating! Yes! My skin felt electric! For those few moments, spinning in that watery vortex with Adam’s laughter ringing in my ears and his hands gripping at my shoulders til his nails drew blood, I felt it! I felt… [BREATHING RAPIDLY, SEEMING MANIC] a-a … I was there, campers! I was all there!
Adam was laughing the whole time. Can you believe that? Laughing and guffawing and howling like it was the most fun he’d ever had! I don’t think I’d ever seen him like that!
And then— [DEFLATING] Then….
Jedidiah was watching from the bank and immediately panicked. He started screaming, waving his arms and running along the shore. Before I knew it, before Adam could paddle us out of the whirlpool, Jedidiah had shoved Juno to her feet, pulled out his phone, and was running towards administration.
Within minutes, Lucille came storming down to the lake in her golf cart, blaring her horn, and immediately shut down the entire event. Lake Day… was cancelled. Quick as that. She didn’t even wait for Adam to navigate us out of the whirlpool, which he was doing, by the way! We were fine! Juno couldn’t even grab the rescue squid before he’d paddled us to safety.
But no. Jedidiah had to involve Lucille. And now, because of his overreaction, and his inability to let me have one afternoon of fun, Lake Day has been terminated early and everyone has been sentenced to cabin time [BREATHE] for the rest of the night.
And I’m confined to the nurse’s building for the night… So sayeth Lucille.
It was the first anyone’s seen Lucille in days… and it was to…
God! I’m not made of glass! But he sees me as this—this delicate little thing that needs to be wrapped in cotton and— oh, stop looking at me like that, Jeddie! This is all your fault! If you even remotely trusted me, you’d know we were fine, AND— [HE CUTS HIMSELF OFF, REALIZING THE ANNOUNCEMENTS ARE ON]
Uh…
[PAUSE]
[AHEM] Dinner is whatever you can scavenge tonight, campers. Motthew was last seen drifting serenely toward the moon with large, soulful eyes, so unless you can lasso him back, it’s a fend-for-yourself kind of evening.
Oh, and we are doing the talent show this year.
[PAUSE]
Uhm. Bye.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[SNEAKY FOOTSTEPS]
[WINDOW OPENING]
[FOOTSTEPS IN THE LEAVES]
SYDNEY
Hey… Thanks for waiting for me.
ADAM
Certainly, dear.
SYDNEY
Jedidiah’s asleep. [SIGH] Man. Sneaking out the bathroom window feels shitty.
[CLIMBING AND STRUGGLING SOUNDS]
ADAM
How so? [HE CATCHES SYDNEY] There you go, easy now.
SYDNEY
It’s unbecoming.
ADAM
A little.
SYDNEY
It’s not like— … I’m twenty-five.
ADAM
It is unbecoming.
[THEY BEGIN WALKING TOGETHER]
SYDNEY
[DEEP BREATH] But I… I’m glad you and I get some time together. I… need the relief.
ADAM
He’s quite fickle, isn’t he? One moment you’re apt to make your own choices, the next you’ve over-extended the privilege.
SYDNEY
[CHUFF] [MUTTERING] That’s because it’s a privilege to begin with.
ADAM
Indeed.
SYDNEY
How am I supposed to argue that?
ADAM
You have tried valiantly to reason with him, and look how he’s rejected you.
SYDNEY
It’s just frustrating.
ADAM
Understandably so.
SYDNEY
I mean— what can I even do?
ADAM
Besides sneak out?
SYDNEY
This… All of this… it isn’t sustainable.
ADAM
Hmmm.
[PAUSE]
ADAM
Lend me your hand.
[SYDNEY DOES SO]
ADAM
[KISS] You could kill yourself.
SYDNEY
I—
ADAM
Perhaps as a final exercise.
SYDNEY
Uhm.
ADAM
It’s a choice only you can make, and it frees you from the burden.
SYDNEY
I— … [HE TRAILS INTO SILENCE]
ADAM
What do you want?
[PAUSE]
SYDNEY
[QUIETLY] Jedidiah…
ADAM
And…?
[SILENCE]
[CLICK]
Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.
The role of Up and Adam was performed by Dio Garner.
With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto.
Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler, and Another You.
Dialogue editing by The Leo!
Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.
And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible!
Special thanks to L Mueller, Zephyr, and UNDER_A_STATIC_Skyla.
To join them, and to get behind-the-scenes content like bloopers, development notes, early access to episodes, interactive events, and more, visit the Patreon at patreon.com/bluewolfe.
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Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: The shining star above, the self below.