Do You Blame Yourself?

Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.

Episode Fifty-One: Do You Blame Yourself?

[CLICK]

MYSTERY MAN

The office is cold. The thermostat is too dull to make out in the florescence, but the man shivers. The framed diplomas have been rearranged across the wall into a shallow V, like a migratory flock. The painting behind the creature’s desk has shifted. Wheat runs in a thin band along the bottom. Above stretches a vast, pale emptiness, broken only by a small, black dot suspended in the center. On the desk, an apple core sits with a ribbon of living worm. Beside it, carefully centered on a blotter, a dead bird.

ADAM

Welcome back, Mr. Martin. I hope you don’t mind, I’ve adjusted the atmosphere to match your progress.

JEDIDIAH

[UNDER HIS BREATH] It’s… different.

[FOOTSTEPS]

ADAM

Mm. Not different. Advanced. [LIGHTLY] We progress in spirals. Please, sit.

[JEDIDIAH SITS]

ADAM

Before we begin—housekeeping. We are still in the individual stage. Couple’s work later. You understand?

JEDIDIAH

I’m here because Sydney asked me to be here.

ADAM

Mhm, and it’s important that you listen to him.

JEDIDIAH

[STIFF] Right.

ADAM

And?

JEDIDIAH

We’re… in conflict.

ADAM

And?

JEDIDIAH

[SHARPLY] I need it to stop.

ADAM

Wonderful. I’ve mapped a few areas for us to explore together today. [SAID WITH A GENTLE KINDNESS] The bird will help.

JEDIDIAH

What?

ADAM

Oh—this little jay. Don’t worry. She died some other time. We’re only borrowing her.

MYSTERY MAN

The creature’s finger strokes the bird’s folded wing. The creature’s fingertip hovers at the notch where the throat meets the breastbone. A barb of feather catches under the creature’s nail; the creature draws back a fraction. The creature turns the stiffened head to face the wall. The creature produces a folded handkerchief from its sleeve, and it slips it under the jay. The creature then straightens its cuff, rests its palm flat on the blotter, and waits until the breath in its throat evens before speaking.

ADAM

[LIGHT, TRYING TO SHAKE OFF BEING DISTURBED] Corvidae are excellent for focus. [A SMALL PAUSE] The keratin can be… sharp.

MYSTERY MAN

The creature flexes its fingers once; checks its thumb pad with the forefinger. It places the bird slightly farther from itself, closer to the man.

ADAM

Bodies instruct in a way theory doesn’t. [AHEM] I find I prefer instruction, most days that is.

[ONCE AGAIN ALERT] How about you then, hm? You must have some perversions for the dead, no?

JEDIDIAH

That’s obscene!

ADAM

Why is it you chose to pursue medicine?

JEDIDIAH

What… what do you mean, specifically?

ADAM

Don’t play coy. You could have been a lawyer, or an actuary, or even an undertaker. Why medicine?

JEDIDIAH

It’s what—I always—my father was a doctor.

ADAM

Hereditary—whose approval were you buying with that white coat?

JEDIDIAH

No, it’s not like that.

ADAM

What is it like, then?

JEDIDIAH

Hmm… I never liked the story my mother told me. I was born out of wedlock to a fundamentalist lot and… she wasn’t taken kindly by them; the man she was with included.

ADAM

Your father?

JEDIDIAH

No… I’ve never met that man. My father was a kind gentleman she married once we moved to Ohio… on our own. I like to think he saved us…

ADAM

And you admired that?

JEDIDIAH

I guess so. With his money, my mother was able to go into psychiatric care. He let her do what she wanted, and I guess I admired that. It felt natural to continue the legacy, I suppose.

ADAM

Mm. But you never wanted that for yourself.

JEDIDIAH

I did. I just—

ADAM

Did you?

JEDIDIAH

I did. I… wanted to help people. That’s the reason everyone gives, isn’t it? I wanted… what is it—purpose?

ADAM

But…?

JEDIDIAH

[HE PAUSES, HESITANT] But there’s more, I guess. The way my mother looked at my dad when he came home… there was never a question. People said thank you, even if they hated what he did to them. And I thought, if I could just—if I learned enough, if I memorized every part—maybe then people would… I don’t know….

ADAM

Please, go on.

JEDIDIAH

All my life, I watched my parents do what… people do. They fixed people. I thought if I learned enough—if I could carry some of that weight—maybe I could keep something steady too.

ADAM

And now?

JEDIDIAH

Now…

[GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES THROUGH THE MONOLOGUE]

MYSTERY MAN

The painting warps. Grid lines drawn over the landscape; a pocket watch dissected across graph paper. Plates and wheels float in ordered tiers: main plate, barrel, center wheel, third, fourth, escape. At upper right, the balance spring is rendered as a fine graphite spiral. Leader lines with serif labels tag each piece, A: MAIN PLATE, B: BARREL, C: CENTER, D: THIRD, E: FOURTH, F: ESCAPE. [WORDS BEGIN TO LAYER AND ECHO] While tiny arrows indicate direction of rotation. A bevel gauge is sketched along the barrel bridge edge with a note, “chamfer 45°.” As it shifts, more parts crowd in: minute wheel, cannon pinion, hour wheel, setting lever, yoke, yoke spring. Measurements sit between light sketches of calipers and a straightedge: “Ø 1.20,” “endshake 0.03–0.05,” “side-shake 0.02.” A timing table sits empty—columns labeled 0°, 90°, 180°, and rows for crown-up and crown-down.

ADAM

[VOICE BREAKING FROM BEHIND MYSTERY MAN, MUFFLED BY DISTRACTION]

Jedidiah…? Are you there? Hello? Hello, Jedidiah? Jedidiah? Jedidiah? Are you there?

ADAM

[CLEARLY] Jedidiah!

Don’t be distracted, Jedidiah. Now?

JEDIDIAH

Now, I don’t know…

ADAM

Let’s—

JEDIDIAH

If I could just—

ADAM

Let’s get more specific, shall we?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know.

ADAM

What am I missing?

JEDIDIAH

I, uh, I wanted to build a life for myself. [FRUSTRATED AT THE QUESTIONING] Geeze, doesn’t everyone? I wanted a life. And… and I wanted… to bring that to…

ADAM

Go on.

JEDIDIAH

to Sydney.

[PAUSE]

JEDIDIAH

I wanted him. That’s—it. [HE LAUGHS, HUMORLESSLY] It’s ugly, isn’t it?

ADAM

No, not at all!

[LONG SILENCE]

ADAM

Hm. Alright, now let’s talk about… [PEN CLICKING] the accident.

JEDIDIAH

Accident?

ADAM

[NOT LOOKING UP FROM HIS CLIPBOARD, NONCHALANCE] Again. Don’t play coy, Jedidiah. It’s contemptible.