Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.

Episode Fifty-One: Do You Blame Yourself?

[CLICK]

MYSTERY MAN

The office is cold. The thermostat is too dull to make out in the florescence, but the man shivers. The framed diplomas have been rearranged across the wall into a shallow V, like a migratory flock. The painting behind the creature’s desk has shifted. Wheat runs in a thin band along the bottom. Above stretches a vast, pale emptiness, broken only by a small, black dot suspended in the center. On the desk, an apple core sits with a ribbon of living worm. Beside it, carefully centered on a blotter, a dead bird.

ADAM

Welcome back, Mr. Martin. I hope you don’t mind, I’ve adjusted the atmosphere to match your progress.

JEDIDIAH

[UNDER HIS BREATH] It’s… different.

[FOOTSTEPS]

ADAM

Mm. Not different. Advanced. [LIGHTLY] We progress in spirals. Please, sit.

[JEDIDIAH SITS]

ADAM

Before we begin, housekeeping. We are still in the individual stage. Couple’s work later. You understand?

JEDIDIAH

I’m here because Sydney asked me to be here.

ADAM

Mhm, and it’s important that you listen to him.

JEDIDIAH

[STIFF] Right.

ADAM

And?

JEDIDIAH

We’re… in conflict.

ADAM

And?

JEDIDIAH

[SHARPLY] I need it to stop.

ADAM

Wonderful. I’ve mapped a few areas for us to explore together today. [SAID WITH A GENTLE KINDNESS] The bird will help.

JEDIDIAH

What?

ADAM

Oh, this little jay. Don’t worry. She died some other time. We’re only borrowing her.

MYSTERY MAN

The creature’s finger strokes the bird’s folded wing. The creature’s fingertip hovers at the notch where the throat meets the breastbone. A barb of feather catches under the creature’s nail; the creature draws back a fraction. The creature turns the stiffened head to face the wall. The creature produces a folded handkerchief from its sleeve, and it slips it under the jay. The creature then straightens its cuff, rests its palm flat on the blotter, and waits until the breath in its throat evens before speaking.

ADAM

[LIGHT, TRYING TO SHAKE OFF BEING DISTURBED] Corvidae are excellent for focus. [A SMALL PAUSE] The keratin can be… sharp.

MYSTERY MAN

The creature flexes its fingers once; checks its thumb pad with the forefinger. It places the bird slightly farther from itself, closer to the man.

ADAM

Bodies instruct in a way theory doesn’t. [AHEM] I find I prefer instruction, most days that is.

[ONCE AGAIN ALERT] How about you then, hm? You must have some perversions for the dead, no?

JEDIDIAH

That’s obscene!

ADAM

Why is it you chose to pursue medicine?

JEDIDIAH

What… what do you mean, specifically?

ADAM

Don’t play coy. You could have been a lawyer, or an actuary, or even an undertaker. Why medicine?

JEDIDIAH

It’s what— I always— … My father was a doctor.

ADAM

Hereditary; whose approval were you buying with that white coat?

JEDIDIAH

No, it’s not like that.

ADAM

What is it like, then?

JEDIDIAH

Hmm… I never liked the story my mother told me. I was born out of wedlock to a fundamentalist lot and… she wasn’t taken kindly by them; the man she was with included.

ADAM

Your father?

JEDIDIAH

No… I’ve never met that man. My father was a kind gentleman she married once we moved to Ohio… on our own. I like to think he saved us…

ADAM

And you admired that?

JEDIDIAH

I guess so. With his money, my mother was able to go into psychiatric care. He let her do what she wanted, and I guess I admired that. It felt natural to continue the legacy, I suppose.

ADAM

Mm. But you never wanted that for yourself.

JEDIDIAH

I did. I just—

ADAM

Did you?

JEDIDIAH

I did. I… wanted to help people. That’s the reason everyone gives, isn’t it? I wanted… what is it—purpose?

ADAM

But…?

JEDIDIAH

[HE PAUSES, HESITANT] But there’s more, I guess. The way my mother looked at my dad when he came home… there was never a question. People said thank you, even if they hated what he did to them. And I thought, if I could just— if I learned enough, if I memorized every part, maybe then people would… I don’t know….

ADAM

Please, go on.

JEDIDIAH

All my life, I watched my parents do what… people do. They fixed people. I thought if I learned enough, if I could carry some of that weight, maybe I could keep something steady too.

ADAM

And now?

JEDIDIAH

Now…

[GRANDFATHER CLOCK CHIMES THROUGH THE MONOLOGUE]

MYSTERY MAN

The painting warps. Grid lines drawn over the landscape; a pocket watch dissected across graph paper. Plates and wheels float in ordered tiers: main plate, barrel, center wheel, third, fourth, escape. At upper right, the balance spring is rendered as a fine graphite spiral. Leader lines with serif labels tag each piece: A: MAIN PLATE, B: BARREL, C: CENTER, D: THIRD, E: FOURTH, F: ESCAPE. [WORDS BEGIN TO LAYER AND ECHO] While tiny arrows indicate direction of rotation. A bevel gauge is sketched along the barrel bridge edge with a note, “chamfer 45°.” As it shifts, more parts crowd in: minute wheel, cannon pinion, hour wheel, setting lever, yoke, yoke spring. Measurements sit between light sketches of calipers and a straightedge: “Ø 1.20,” “endshake 0.03–0.05,” “side-shake 0.02.” A timing table sits empty, columns labeled 0°, 90°, 180°, and rows for crown-up and crown-down.

ADAM

[VOICE BREAKING FROM BEHIND MYSTERY MAN, MUFFLED BY DISTRACTION]

Jedidiah…? Are you there? Hello? Hello, Jedidiah? Jedidiah? Jedidiah? Are you there?

ADAM

[CLEARLY] Jedidiah!

Don’t be distracted, Jedidiah. Now?

JEDIDIAH

Now, I don’t know…

ADAM

Let’s—

JEDIDIAH

If I could just—

ADAM

Let’s get more specific, shall we?

JEDIDIAH

I don’t know.

ADAM

What am I missing?

JEDIDIAH

I, uh, I wanted to build a life for myself. [FRUSTRATED AT THE QUESTIONING] Geeze, doesn’t everyone? I wanted a life. And… and I wanted… to bring that to…

ADAM

Go on.

JEDIDIAH

to Sydney.

[PAUSE]

JEDIDIAH

I wanted him. That’s… it. [HE LAUGHS, GREY] It’s ugly, isn’t it?

ADAM

No, not at all!

[LONG SILENCE]

ADAM

Hm. Alright, now let’s talk about… [PEN CLICKING] the accident.

JEDIDIAH

Accident?

ADAM

[NOT LOOKING UP FROM HIS CLIPBOARD, NONCHALANT] Again, don’t play coy, Jedidiah. It’s contemptible.

JEDIDIAH

[BREATHES OUT]

ADAM

Do you blame yourself?

MYSTERY MAN

Along the right margin of the canvas, a chart box sits: columns labeled 0°, 90°, 180°; rows labeled crown-up / crown-down. The cells are empty.

JEDIDIAH

I don’t— I don’t, uh—

ADAM

If the answer is no, we can move on.

JEDIDIAH

No.

ADAM

Don’t lie.

JEDIDIAH

Yes.

ADAM

Good. Keep the jay in view, please. Let’s time this properly. At 0°, straight on, what happened?

JEDIDIAH

He died.

MYSTERY MAN

A red circle is drawn around the clock face.

ADAM

At 90°, from the side.

JEDIDIAH

I couldn’t. I should have— If I’d acted faster—

ADAM

At 180°, the other side.

JEDIDIAH

But it wasn’t mine to— I was distracted. October was so cold.

MYSTERY MAN

A faint graphite erasure smears the grid beneath the balance spiral.

ADAM

Crown up.

JEDIDIAH

I hear the beeping when it’s quiet.

ADAM

Crown down.

JEDIDIAH

I left.

ADAM

And?

JEDIDIAH

Silt in the mouth…

[SILENCE]

ADAM

Now bring it forward.

JEDIDIAH

There’s still so much I can’t say.

ADAM

You can here. It won’t hurt me.

JEDIDIAH

I…

ADAM

Tell me where the blame sits in the body.

JEDIDIAH

The throat. Right here.

ADAM

Okay. Now, try holding her.

MYSTERY MAN

It lifts the jay with the folded handkerchief, and sets the small weight into the man’s palms. The bird tilts; he nearly drops it. Then he catches it with both hands.

JEDIDIAH

[BREATHING HEAVY]

ADAM

Do you think your expectations as a healer are unbecoming?

JEDIDIAH

What?

ADAM

You are a man. A cis man, no less, saddled with so much decision. Tell me how it sits in you.

JEDIDIAH

In the throat.

ADAM

Mm.

JEDIDIAH

I really… Sydney’s very mad at me right now.

ADAM

Did you follow my advice?

JEDIDIAH

Sort of— I… well, I walked away after the fight.

ADAM

I told you not to do that.

JEDIDIAH

I just needed… some time, just a little time t-to myself. I just—

ADAM

I told you not to do that.

JEDIDIAH

Yeah… You did.

[PAUSE]

JEDIDIAH

I need to fix it.

WHIPPOORWILL MIMIC

[CALLS] Fix it! Fix it! Fix it!

JEDIDIAH

What is that!?

ADAM

Oh. Another therapy aid.

WHIPPOORWILL MIMIC

[MIMICKING JEDIDIAH] I can fix it!

JEDIDIAH

Has that always been there?

ADAM

Must have flown in earlier. Those pesky mimics, y’know.

JEDIDIAH

What is it with you and creepy birds?

ADAM

How did you do it?

WHIPPOORWILL MIMIC

[MIMICKING SYDNEY] I keep waking up on the bathroom floor. Don’t tell anyone, it’s pathetic.

JEDIDIAH

What?

ADAM

It.

MYSTERY MAN

The man stares at the dead jay in his hand.

ADAM

How?

WHIPPOORWILL MIMIC

[MIMICKING SYDNEY] I guess school is giving me a hard time.

JEDIDIAH

I— I—I can’t— I don’t— … I have to get out of here!

[SHUFFLING]

ADAM

[STANDS QUICKLY] Stay with me. Heels down. Look here, my hand, not the jay. That’s it. [SOFT] We’ll set her back.

[SHUFFLING]

ADAM

[SOFT, COMFORTING] Alright. Let’s work somatically. Stand tall now, three steps, I’ll lead.

[SHUFFLING]

Right. Left. Close. Good. Excellent. Now switch. In on one, hold on two, out on three. Now keep me safe.

MYSTERY MAN

The creature lets a fraction of its weight drop. The man catches—feet braced, his grip firm at the scapula and hand.

ADAM

There. Reflex. See? What do you feel?

JEDIDIAH

…Responsible.

ADAM

And beneath that?

JEDIDIAH

[HARD] Terrified.

ADAM

And beneath that?

JEDIDIAH

[AFTER A LONG SILENCE] Useful.

MYSTERY MAN

On the diagram, circadian amplitudes pencil in around the balance: “260 / 240.” A narrow strip of masking tape crosses the main plate. Wax pencil writes HOLD.

ADAM

Stay with the count. In on one, hold on two, out on three. Again. In. Hold. Out.

JEDIDIAH

[BREATH STARTS TO MATCH] In… two… out.

ADAM

Good. If he slipped now, about how long did you ignore it?

JEDIDIAH

Don’t—

ADAM

Just timing. In. Hold. Out. How long?

JEDIDIAH

Mm.

ADAM

Show me as I dip.

MYSTERY MAN

The tape fades and peels. A word scribbles over the mess: FIX. The timing chart takes two figures: 0° → –18 s/day; 90° → +12 s/day.

ADAM

Where does it sit now?

JEDIDIAH

The throat.

ADAM

In. Hold. Out. Keep eyes here, not the desk.

JEDIDIAH

I can’t— if I look—

ADAM

Here. [HE LIFTS JEDIDIAH’S CHIN WITH THE BACK OF HIS KNUCKLES] Look at me. Again. In. Hold. Out.

MYSTERY MAN

[ECHOING QUIETLY BEHIND THE CONVERSATION] Regulator index at F. Rate +2 s/day. Beat error 0.8 ms. Amplitude 240° (0°), 220° (90°). Lift angle 52°. Swiss lever escapement. Isochronism error +18 s/24 h. Power reserve ~38 h. Balance cock, balance staff pivots, roller table, safety roller, guard pin; pallet bridge; escape-wheel bridge. Train bridge, barrel bridge, barrel arbor, mainspring bridle, ratchet wheel, crown wheel, click, click spring. Winding pinion, sliding pinion, clutch, stem, setting lever, setting-lever spring, yoke, yoke spring. Motion works: cannon pinion, minute wheel, hour wheel, intermediate wheel, friction spring. Hacking lever, brake spring, stop-work (Geneva/Maltese cross). Curb pins (A/R scale), index pointer, flat hairspring, no overcoil, fixed stud carrier, shock protection (Incabloc). Gear backlash noted. Endplay within spec. Positional delta DU/DD/CU/CD/CR/CL.

ADAM

Hold it. One. Two.

[HE PAUSES AN EXTRA BEAT]

Three.

JEDIDIAH

[VOICE THINNING] Again?

ADAM

Again. We progress in spirals. [SOFT] In. Hold—

JEDIDIAH

Out.

ADAM

Not yet. Now. Out.

JEDIDIAH

Stop.

ADAM

We’re close. One more. In—

JEDIDIAH

Stop.

ADAM

You’re safe. One more. In. Hold—

JEDIDIAH

—Out.

ADAM

In. Hold—

JEDIDIAH

—Out.

ADAM

How did you do it?

JEDIDIAH

It was what I had to do.

ADAM

In. Hold—

JEDIDIAH

—Out.

ADAM

Where were you when it happened?

JEDIDIAH

A half-mile from here.

ADAM

In. Hold—

JEDIDIAH

—Out. In the woods…

ADAM

Where?

JEDIDIAH

Where the river forks.

ADAM

[WHISPERING, WITH GLEE] Did it feel good?

WHIPPOORWILL MIMIC

[MIMICKING JEDIDIAH]

Silt in the mouth!

JEDIDIAH

Did it—?

ADAM

[A BIT BREATHY] It must have felt good, right?

JEDIDIAH

No.

ADAM

In. Hold—

JEDIDIAH

—Out.

ADAM

I can imagine it. The feeling. How relieving.

JEDIDIAH

[SHAKY] No.

ADAM

In. Hold—

JEDIDIAH

—Out.

ADAM

Delicious. Absolutely delicious. One, two, three. One for breath, two for keep, three for under. Again.

JEDIDIAH

Don’t.

ADAM

How many beats under, Jedidiah?

JEDIDIAH

Stop.

ADAM

One more pass. In—hold—

JEDIDIAH

—I need air.

ADAM

In. Hold—

JEDIDIAH

[HE STUMBLES AND TRIES TO PULL AWAY] I can’t. I need— I need air.

ADAM

We have air. Heels down. In. Hold. Out.

JEDIDIAH

No—no. I’m going to be sick.

[HE BREATHES HEAVILY]

ADAM

[FIRMLY] Sit.

JEDIDIAH

No.

ADAM

You caught me every time. That’s what matters.

JEDIDIAH

You like this.

ADAM

It’s my job. Sit.

JEDIDIAH

You’re just messing with me!

ADAM

[WITH BREATHY FERVOR, MASK SLIPPING] Tell me how you did it. How terrific it must have felt!

[SILENCE]

[HE BREATHES TO CALM HIMSELF]

Okay. [LIGHTER] We’ll close here, more work to be done later.

JEDIDIAH

We’re done.

ADAM

For today, yes. [PLEASANT] Why don’t you take the jay as homework?

JEDIDIAH

N-no. No. I’m not doing this.

ADAM

Sydney asked you to.

JEDIDIAH

I’ll talk to Sydney. Not here. Christ.

ADAM

Oh, come now. She can’t hurt you.

JEDIDIAH

You’re sick. Jesus. You’re sick. I can’t believe I got talked into this. And I’m taking that recorder!

WHIPPOORWILL MIMIC

[MIMICKING JEDIDIAH] Recorder! Recorder! Recorder! Recorder!

[CLICK]

Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.

The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance. 

The role of Up and Adam was performed by Dio Garner.  

The role of Mystery Man was performed by Jalen Askins.  

With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto. 

Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler and Another You. 

 Dialogue editing by Emily Safko.

 Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.

And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible! 

Special thanks to Hartley, Mason, Taylor Wood, and Asteroid

To join them, and to get behind-the-scenes content like bloopers, development notes, early access to episodes, interactive events, and more, visit the Patreon at patreon.com/bluewolfe. 

You can also join the official Discord server to connect with fellow listeners and discuss the latest episode—find the link in the description of today’s episode. 

And finally, if you’d like to support the show and ensure we can keep going, the most meaningful thing you can do is to help spread the word! 

 Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: It comes at five, in more than one system.