Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Forty: Camp Mad! Camp Sad!
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Good morning, campers! The time is 8:60AM and the sky is a bright yellow, the color of sunshine and smiles! Yippee-horee! But oh, laughter! Delightful, contagious tune that ripples through the soul like a playful brook. Why, just this morning, as I skipped—or maybe hobbled—through our humble campgrounds, I stumbled upon quite the mirthful scene just outside the Northern cabin circle.
A cacophony of cackles, a symphony of snickers, a riotous roar of rollicking laughter. At first, I thought maybe someone had just told a particularly hilarious joke. After all, we do have some real cut-up flavors of cheese here at Camp Here & There! But as I rounded that corner, I realized that something was very, very wrong.
Oh, isn’t laughter just the bee’s knees? The cat’s pajamas? The everlooping duck’s quack?
At least, that’s what I thought before this morning’s little… chuckling incident.
I watched as campers slumped onto the dew-soaked ground, rolling around like gleeful puppies in the mud. Remnants of the morning routine scattered hither and thither. Toothbrushes and shampoo bottles lay astray, victims of the campers’ flailing as they succumbed to their shticky hysteria. The once tidy trails crisscrossing the grounds had been trampled into a mosaic of muddy footprints and grass-stained pajamas.
More stumbled out of their cabins, clutching their sides, tears streaming down their faces as they howled and guffawed. Some of them tried to speak, but all that came out were breathless gasps and wheezing chuckles.
The woods hugging our trails, usually alive with the sounds of birdsong and playful chatter, were now echoing with the unending laughter of dozens of afflicted campers. The howls bounced off the trees, amplifying and distorting until it sounded more like the manic cackling of dreadful creatures.
I witnessed one camper crawling through the mud, leaving a trail of giggles behind her like a snail’s slime. Another was hanging upside down from a tree branch, his laughter turning to hiccups as the blood rushed to his head. I stepped gingerly over a camper curled up in the fetal position, his body shaking with silent hysterics, tears streaming down his bloody cheeks.
Hehe, uh, yeah.
Strange, is it not? [AHEM] But, who am I to conjure lemons from laughter! After all, when life hands you a camp full of uncontrollably cackling kids, you might as well sit back and join the array! Ha ha ho! Just remember, my dear campers: keep laughing, even if it feels like your lungs might explode with your face frozen in a demented stupor. Because here at Camp Here & There, we always find a way to turn frowns upside down—Jedidiah don’t look at me like that!
But anyways, carry on with your flights of flittering fun! And do come to my office if you’re experiencing any… further… ailments. I’m sure the laughter will die down eventually… as soon as Jedidiah stops wearing that funny little balloon animal pin on his coat!
JEDIDIAH
You told me to wear this.
SYDNEY
Did I?
JEDIDIAH
You gave it to me.
SYDNEY
Oh.
JEDIDIAH
You said I had to wear it to protect me from the “smiling wolves that never blink,” your words.
SYDNEY
And you believed me?
JEDIDIAH
No… But I’m trying to listen to you more.
SYDNEY
I was probably making fun of you.
JEDIDIAH
[CLICKS TONGUE] [WITH HUMOR] Bare witness campers, the way I am made a spectacle of, even with the best of faith. Never fall for the first darling with dark curls that you meet.
SYDNEY
Cease!
[HE LAUGHS]
Honestly, I suspect foul play from Camp Over Where. Is that it, kids? A nefarious prank of suspiciously distracting laughter? Planning to steal our good good gravy while we’re all hopped up on silly string, eh?
I wouldn’t put it past them…
Hm. But never you mind that now, my giggling gaggle of goobers! We have a full day of festivities ahead of us. First up, a rousing round of extreme duck-duck-goose on the shores of Lake Haha. Just remember, if the goose tags you… uhm. Don’t let it.
Or join the game of “Guess That Goop!” Marisol has been hard at work all morning, concocting a smorgasbord of substances in every color you could see! And some only I can. For me! 🙂
From shimmering chartreuse to a positively putrid shade of puce, these oozing, bubbling vials of viscous liquid are sure to mystify.
[HE SNEEZES]
Oof. Goo… The camper who correctly identifies the most goops will be crowned the “Goop Guru” and awarded a very, very special prize: a mason jar!
For breakfast, we have firefly soup! Finally, a meal that lets you see what you’re eating… every six seconds or so.
Have fun, and don’t laugh too hard!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[KID LAUGHING]
SYDNEY
There, there, sweetie. It’ll blow over. Lie still.
[SHUFFLING]
I’m telling you, it’s got to be those campers from Over Where! They keep doing things like this. Remember just the other day when they replaced all our sunscreen with mayonnaise? We had campers slipping and sliding all over the place, smelling like a deli counter in July!
JEDIDIAH
Sydney, I don’t think you should be getting so close to those campers. We have no idea what’s causing this… this laughing plague.
SYDNEY
This is my job.
JEDIDIAH
I know— I know. But you have to be careful. What if you catch it too?
SYDNEY
Oh please, like a little laughter ever hurt anyone. Besides, I’ve been around these kids all morning and I feel fine. Hehe… haha… BWAHAHAHA!
[JEDIDIAH MAKES A NOISE OF DISTRESS]
JEDIDIAH
Oh God.
SYDNEY
Wait– Kidding! I’m kidding. Lighten up. You sure are wound up tight today.
[SYDNEY SHUFFLES AROUND, HELPING ANOTHER CAMPER]
JEDIDIAH
I just… I worry about you.
SYDNEY
Look, see the motion I’m doing? This is me unwinding you. Unwind unwind unwind unwind. Be free, my yo-yo!
JEDIDIAH
Especially with your meeting with Adam later today…
SYDNEY
[FRUSTRATED SIGH] That’s what this is about? Jedidiah, for the last time, I can handle Adam. He’s harmless. Mostly.
JEDIDIAH
I don’t trust him.
SYDNEY
Well I don’t need you to trust him, I need you to trust me.
[A CAMPER GIGGLES LOUDLY AND CRIES IN PAIN]
SYDNEY
Oof, that one sounded painful. Hang on kiddo, let’s get you some water. Laughter may be the best medicine but dehydration sure ain’t the chaser you want with it.
[RUNNING WATER]
JEDIDIAH
I’m worried. I-in general.
SYDNEY
[EXASPERATED] Jedidiah.
JEDIDIAH
You know you have a tendency to throw yourself into things without thinking. Remember what happened with the “Phantom of the Outhouse” incident this last winter?
SYDNEY
[SCOFFS] That was different! And besides, I solved that mystery, didn’t I? Turned out it was just old Montgomery Johnson sleepwalking again.
JEDIDIAH
Yes, but not before you nearly got yourself trapped in that rickety outhouse overnight! I just… I worry about you.
SYDNEY
[SOFTENING] I appreciate that. But you have to trust me to do my job. Hold on kids, we’ll be back.
[DOOR OPEN AND CLOSE]
[BIRD CALLS]
[FOLIAGE WALKING STEPS]
JEDIDIAH
I do trust you. It’s just… [HESITATES] That meeting with Adam…
SYDNEY
[TENSING] What about it?
JEDIDIAH
[CAREFULLY] I just think, given everything that’s going on, maybe it’s not the best idea for you to be alone with him right now.
SYDNEY
What are you implying?
JEDIDIAH
Nothing. I meant—
SYDNEY
No, I know exactly what you meant! You don’t trust me, do you? You think I’m going to, what? Plot against you? Get myself killed?
JEDIDIAH
[BACKPEDALING] No, that’s not what I—
SYDNEY
So, I can’t have some time away to myself? Because of my, quote, “track record” I’m not licensed to be an adult? I have to stay on your leash and let you decide what I’m allowed to do.
JEDIDIAH
Okay, b-but you do have a track record!
SYDNEY
It’s all you think about.
JEDIDIAH
No, I didn’t mean to suggest—
SYDNEY
No, you didn’t. But you always do. Ugh. I don’t have time for this.
[SYDNEY STARTS TO WALK AWAY FASTER]
JEDIDIAH
Sydney, wait! I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to upset you.
SYDNEY
Leave me alone.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
[CLICK] Good afternoon, my little hyenas! The time is 12:07PM and the sun is high in the sky, beating down on us like a relentless spotlight on a stage of merry bedlam!
Fear not, for I come bearing news! After my little routine visit with Over Where’s director, I must apologize for my jump to accusation! With much sleuthing and snooping, we’ve discovered the source of our little laughing epidemic. It seems the spores of a rare fungus have been spreading through our camp, hitching a ride on the breeze from the rubble of dear old Cabin Dungbeetle. The recent renovation efforts have stirred it all up as our workers attempted to wade through the wreckage over the past few days.
Ah, Cabin Dungbeetle, how we hardly knew ye. But even in your dilapidated state, you manage to spread joy. Or at least, uncontrollable fits of laughter that leave our campers gasping for dear air.
Speaking of our afflicted campers, they’ve been dropping like flies around the campgrounds, their laughter echoing through the trees with a deranged symphony.
Which brings me to my next point: Jedidiah, proud man of science, has taken a sample of the spores back to his office for further study. He disappeared just a moment ago, muttering something about “analyzing the fungal matrix” and “inhibiting the neurotransmitter response.” You know, typical Jedidiah stuff.
But worry not, my chuckling cherubs! I’m sure he’ll emerge from his laboratory soon, a solution in hand and a triumphant, non-infectious, grin on his face. In the meantime, we’ll just have to ride out this wave of whimsy.
So if you find yourself overcome with the urge to laugh, just remember: you’re not alone! We’re all in this together!
And if you start to feel a little lightheaded, just take a deep breath and think of something serious and depressing, like taxes, the inevitability of demise, or pumpkins! That should sober you right up!
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[WALKING]
SYDNEY
Ghost recorder, oh God, this is bad. I just got back from the Sanitorium and—and my goodness. Jedidiah is locked in his office and I’m– I’m almost grateful he didn’t bare witness…
Huddled under a gnarled oak tree was Camper Tommy, his small frame wracked with violent spasms of laughter. I tried to comfort him, to calm him down, but it was no use. His laughter only grew more intense, more manic. His button nose was patchy with mucus and tears. Tiny Tommy, always such a quiet boy, was now convulsing with a mighty compulsion. His face contorted grotesquely, eyes bulging, veins popping in his neck as the force of his guffaws strained his throat. He started gasping out blood between the cackling sobs.
He clawed and gripped my shirt in fear, begging, mercy, anything! And I was powerless… Part of him clearly wanted to give in, to embrace the thrall and succumb to the feeling of hysteric euphoria, but still he clawed. He could not settle amidst the myokymia contracting his torso.
Then his laughter reached a fever pitch.
And with a sickening, wet, rip, the corners of his mouth began to tear. My stomach sank. Flesh and sinew stretched and split as his jaw tore apart, his laughter now gurgling through the blood bubbling up his throat. The tear crept up his cheeks, skin peeling away to reveal pulsating muscle and glimpses of yellowed bone beneath. The lacerations spread towards his ears. His head was splitting open. And still, he laughed, even as his jaw unhinged, dangling obscenely with a lolling gag.
His shrieks of agony harmonized with the crazed laughter still pouring from the gash in his face. One eyeball rolled freely in the socket as the skin around it sagged like a macabre mask.
Tommy’s body convulsed violently, hands grasping at the gaping wound his face once had been. Handfuls of flesh sloughed off under his desperately scrabbling fingers. He crawled forward, leaving a trail of blood and bits of himself in his wake, before collapsing in a twitching, giggling heap at my feet.
I… I– I tried to help him, I tried! Tried to hold his face together, but my hands just sank into the bloody mess. Chunks of flesh clung to my fingers and I had to pull away. And all the while, Tommy’s laughter never stopped, even as his vocal cords were exposed to open air, even as his tongue fell to the ground with a damp thump.
In his final throes, Tommy looked up at me, his one remaining eye pleading as his bloodied tears carved rivulets through the ragged flaps of his cheeks. A garbled wheeze escaped the pulsing red ruin of his throat… then he fell still. The cachinnation faded, replaced by an echoed absence…
I stood there, blood-spattered and shaking, the metallic tang of viscera mingling with the earthy scent of fungal rot.
[BIRD SOUNDS]
Around me, the laughter of the afflicted campers took on a sharper, more desperate edge.
God help us. What hell have we wrought upon these children? I fear we may have bitten off more than we can chew this time, and the bill will be paid in pounds of flesh rent asunder by the spasms of mutilating glee.
At least Tommy no longer suffers… he is gone. But I cannot wait for Jedidiah’s solution. I don’t even think I have time to get back to the office before another camper sees the same fate.
[CABIN DOOR OPENING]
[FOOTSTEPS]
SYDNEY
You!
SOREN
Me?
SYDNEY
Thank goodness you’re here! You.. you know things—things about fungus and disease, right?
SOREN
I do!
SYDNEY
Come with me please.
[FOOTSTEPS STOMPING]
SOREN
Wait!
[STOMPING]
[DOOR CLOSING]
[TWO FOOTSTEPS]
SOREN
Well, well, well. If it isn’t the camp’s resident blaspheming doll, come to seek my aid. How delightfully ironic.
SYDNEY
[SIGH] Please, Soren—
SOREN
To what do I owe this desperate pleasure?
SYDNEY
I need your help. The campers, they’re—
SOREN
Laughing themselves to death? Yes, I’ve noticed. Quite the spectacle, isn’t it? The way their faces contort blissfully…
SYDNEY
Very fascinating, I’m sure. But I can’t medically… I-I’m not equipped to… But I need you to— Tommy, he… his face, it just…
[SYDNEY TAKES A SHUDDERING BREATH, COMPOSING HIMSELF]
SOREN
[INTRIGUED] Oh, you don’t say? My, it seems this rot is more potent than I first thought. Delightful. [DREAMILY] Slipping in and out of such ethereal peace, awaiting euphoric salvation. I salivate at the thought!
SYDNEY
You wretched cur!
SOREN
My!
SYDNEY
Okay—Soren!
SOREN
You are such a mean breed!
SYDNEY
I’m begging you. You’re the only one I could think to turn to. Please.
SOREN
[HE GRUNTS] The puny puppy eyes are too much. Pitiful creature. You must promise to end your ceaseless belittlement of my religious beliefs.
SYDNEY
The kids—
SOREN
For good. I have done nothing to you to deserve your relentless scorn.
SYDNEY
Geeze.
SOREN
Then! I will help terminate the strain of rot.
SYDNEY
Okay! I’m sorry.
SOREN
Hm, now, the spores—
SYDNEY
Just please help me.
SOREN
You remarked that they originated from the fibers of Cabin Dungbeetle?
SYDNEY
Yes.
SOREN
Hm, If the fungus has been dormant for so long, it must require extremely circumstantial conditions to thrive. Moisture, darkness, a beloved host to feed upon…
[SNAPS FINGERS]
The caves! Those damp, labyrinthine tunnels beneath our feet would be the perfect breeding ground.
SYDNEY
The caves?
SOREN
Cabin Dungbeetle had an access point underground that the lousy witch blocked off during the last year’s session. Because of a, well… uh… while exploring they found her… um… uhh…
SYDNEY
—a plant?
SOREN
Yes! But last summer’s destruction must have broken the seal, and it has had time to infect the surface. I suspect a diseased host died beneath the opening.
SYDNEY
So, what do we do?
SOREN
[HE CHUCKLES] [LOWERING HIS VOICE CONSPIRATORIALLY]
You and I must descend into the caves to find the heart of the fungal colony. I suspect it will be a massive, pulsating mound of lustrous… beautiful mycelium, feeding off the dank air and residual misery. A friend, no doubt…
We will need to eliminate it at the source. Fire should serve well. Once the mother colony is destroyed, the communication will die, and the infected campers will start to recover. Their laughter will fade and their wounds will heal… at least, the physical ones. [HE GIGGLES]
SYDNEY
Okay, yes captain.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
SYDNEY
Good evening, my leaping lapins! The time is 19:03PM and the sky is a darkening, green-tinted amber, like a bruise on the face of the heavens!
Earlier, while you were all enjoying a delightful afternoon of giggle-induced delirium, Soren and I embarked on our perilous journey into the depths of the caves beneath our camp. Armed with only our wits and a trusty flamethrower borrowed from our kind and goodhearted director Lucille, we descended into the musty darkness.
The air was thick with moisture and the stench of decay, our headlamps casting eerie shadows on the glistening walls. The wetness a sickly sheen of pale yellow, like the mucus coating ones throat in the throes of retching. The tunnels seemed to breathe and wheeze around us, pulsing with a life of their own. The stench of decay and the cloying sweetness of fungal spores clung to our skin.
As we pressed deeper, the laughter of the afflicted campers above followed us, distorted and amplified by the cavernous acoustics until it sounded like the mocking chorus of a chiliad of scornful specters.
And then, we found it. The heart of the fungal hive, a towering mound of luminescent agamete, throbbing with unholy life. Tendrils of glowing fingers snaked across the cave floor, pulsing in time with the distant laughter. Spore-laden, fruiting bodies erupted from the mass, releasing clouds of particles with each breathy wheeze. The heart appeared to breathe with every camper’s bellow, shooting out spores in rhythmic triumph like a beating lung.
Soren’s eyes lit up with unsettling glee as he beheld the monstrosity. He circled it slowly, murmuring words of admiration, kneeling down, even as I fought back the urge to retch. But there was no time. It was grotesquely beautiful, in a way. A throne of fungal majesty. I know this is how Soren felt. But he had made a promise to help me, you see. And I’m simply too cute to let down! 🙂
As our groundskeeper, he knew what I needed to do. He stood back and turned away. I hefted Lucille’s flamethrower, the cold weight of it powerful in my hands. Ever held a flamethrower, kids? You’re on top of the world!
With a deep breath, I took aim at the heart of the fungal abomination and pulled the trigger. A gout of flame erupted from the nozzle, engulfing the mound in a raging inferno.
The heart screamed. It bellowed out a curdling shriek in harmony with its crowing victims above. Tendrils writhed and blackened, crumbling to ash even as they tried to escape the blaze. The stench of foul ash filled the air, so thick I could taste it on my tongue.
Soren’s face was brightened by the light of the flame, and he watched the conflagration with awe and sorrow, his eyes wet with tears. Whether from the heat or heart, I don’t know. But I felt only satisfaction as the last of the fungus crumbled to dust.
Finally, with a last agonized wail, the mother colony collapsed in on itself, reduced to a smoldering heap of ash and char. The cavern fell silent, save for the hiss of cooling embers and our own ragged breathing.
We emerged from those caves, soot-stained and weary, but alive. And as we stepped out into the fading light of day, we heard the most beautiful sound… silence! That which we did not hear!
So I come bearing good news! The laughing plague has been KILLED! DEAD!
And, hm, little Tommy, my friends… well he’s gone home! The laughing experience was too much for him, and uh, he needed his parents…
So, uhm, wish him good luck on his travels!
Luckily, no other camper has been scorned this way. Everyone appears to be making a full recovery!
And Jedidiah wants to say sorry that his scientific escapades were of no help. He had made little progress on an antidote by the time I emerged from the cavern. But perhaps Soren was the unlikely hero that we needed all along!
JEDIDIAH
[DISDAINFULLY, LIKE A GROWL] Mmmmmmmmmmm…
SYDNEY
The absurdity of today is palpable! But he’s not so bad, just a bit lovesick with his own beliefs. Who can blame him, really?
Who among us hasn’t been driven to foolish lengths by the passionate fires burning in our hearts? When that all-consuming desire to be close to someone takes hold, it can make even the most level-headed of us act the most reckless.
I suppose, in a sense, Soren’s actions, while ill-advised, always came from a place of raw affection. Misguided as they may have been, his intentions are pure, born of a desperate longing to reach, to hug, to hold forever what he’s lost.
Can any of us truly say we haven’t been tempted to move earth and sky for the ones we cherish most? To defy the very laws of divine nature in the name of love? It’s a powerful thing, that kind of all-encompassing adoration. It can drive us to extremes…
But in the end, perhaps that’s what makes us human. That willingness to risk everything, to throw caution to the wind and embrace the unknown, all for the chance to hold onto the ones we hold dear. Even if it means venturing into the egomanic.
Soren may have strayed down a dark path, but his heart is in the right place. He simply wants to feel that connection again, to bask in the warmth of a love. And who can fault him for that?
We’ve all done foolish things for the sake of our passions. Thrown ourselves headlong into the abyss, consequences be damned, just to feel that rush of being loved, of being so utterly consumed by our desires.
But the important thing is that we learn from our missteps, that we grow and evolve and find healthier ways to channel the intensity. Soren has shown that he’s capable of putting his skills to good use in service of others. And that’s a beautiful thing.
So let us not judge Soren too harshly for his past transgressions, hm? After all, what wouldn’t we do for the ones we hold dear? What boundaries would we not cross, what sacrifices would we not make, to keep them safe? To keep them, hold them, enmesh them with us, always … ?
JEDIDIAH
[AHEM] Alright, alright, Sydney, that– that’s enough.
SYDNEY
Eh. Right.
[CLICK]
[CLICK]
[CLOCK TICKING]
SOREN
And I mean for you to uphold your word, short one.
SYDNEY
[ANNOYED] Okay, Soren.
SOREN
My affairs are of no concern to you!
SYDNEY
I gave you my public apologies already. Get out of my study.
SOREN
But you will see my how ill-advised I truly am when it’s time that we all join our Mother.
SYDNEY
Okay, Soren.
SOREN
Hmph!
SYDNEY
[HUFF] I am indebted to you, and I keep my word. I’ll leave you be. Please don’t wreak havoc on the announcements anymore.
SOREN
I make no such promises.
SYDNEY
But that’s not fair!
SOREN
I did as you asked and played by your absurd desires to claw feeble half-life from those destined for eternity. I am not beholden to any of your misgivings further!
SYDNEY
God— Please just leave. Don’t talk to me again.
SOREN
Sheesh! As you wish.
[FOOTSTEPS]
But… I would expect better from one who has grasped salvation, even if it was as poor an attempt as yours.
SYDNEY
Wait, what?
SOREN
Your artificial heart is cold.
SYDNEY
[FROZEN] My—
SOREN
But I take my leave, short one.
SYDNEY
My—
MYSTERY MAN
And this dramatic man bows to the boy, splaying his arms out like a bird in flight.
[FOOTSTEPS]
SOREN
Good tidings.
[DOOR CLOSES]
SYDNEY
[INCREDULOUS] My…?
[BREATHING TURNS RAGGED]
[SYDNEY BEGINS CRYING]
[CLICK]
Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.
The role of Soren Baltimore was performed by Mikee Joaquin.
The role of Mystery Man was performed by Jalen Askins.
Thank you to my friends and peers who helped create the laughter for this episode including: Lacey, Anne Harbin, Xannderexx, Barkhyde, Isabelle Sharp, The Leo!, and _roguegallery.
With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto.
Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler and Another You.
Dialogue editing by Emily Safko.
Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.
And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible!
Special thanks to: Toby H, Rowen, Michael, CamperXander, and Ash McCarthy
To join them, and to get behind-the-scenes content like bloopers, development notes, early access to episodes, interactive events, and more, visit the Patreon at patreon.com/bluewolfe.
You can also join the official Discord server to connect with fellow listeners and discuss the latest episode—find the link in the description of today’s episode.
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Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Always move in a straight line.