Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.

Episode Sixty Three: Safe and Sound

ADAM

Ding dong, denizens of Camp Over Where! Your beloved demonic director calling in with a calamity communique! Yours, Up and Adam, reporting live from what feels like Satan’s sneezing nostril! The air’s gone from our usual swampy green to, well, the yellow mucus of a hurricane! Advisory warning: knickerbockers, toupees, Mavis’s papers, and the smaller half of you, hold on tight. It’s getting real howl-y out there!

NATSUME

Adam, is this wind magicked or just, like, the regular kind that kills people?

ADAM

Ah, Natsume! Sprout of my diabolical loins! I appreciate the exceptional insightfulness of your question. Is it supernatural, or super your-mom?

NATSUME

I mean, my mom’s pretty strong…

ADAM

[LAUGH] Indeed, indeed! But— [BAG CRINKLE] Mmmph. Oh, delicious M&Ms…. What was I saying… Right! My point is: yes! Entirely magicked. Malevolent in origin. Possibly an eldritch wind demon in the “greater wind demon” family, or, dare I speculate, summoned by a circle of unwashed prepubescents!

NATSUME

[WHISPER] Was it me?

ADAM

Ha. If it was you, you’d know. Winds this big require at least three vials of blood, the forbidden syllables, and an offering of something dearly beloved. Like a soul, a full set of teeth.

NATSUME

Would baby teeth do the trick?

ADAM

Depending on the intent and arrangement? Absolutely! In fact, it’s a little-known demonological fact that the Tooth Fairy is a front for the Secretarial Headquarters of Domestic Hexing.

NATSUME

I KNEW IT!

ADAM

Perhaps this is your chance to practice advanced infernal magics! Are you prepared to face the ancient spiraling howler head-on?

NATSUME

YES.

ADAM

[HE LAUGHS] Now, let me continue my “report,” as is customary of a pillar of leadership such as myself. Well, our current trajectory is roaring winds for miles around with no end in sight. But look at you, brave little barnacles, pinwheeling in the spray! Makes a demon proud. I’d weep if I weren’t already leaking suspiciously from every orifice. [HE SHUDDERS] Eugh… orifices…

Anyway, broadcast of the day! Anything not nailed down is already in the next county. I’ve counted six— no, seven campers stuck to trees, and one extremely lucky possum clinging to the apex of our beloved flaming-demon-wolf flagpole. You may assume the view up there is “breathtaking” … in every sense…

I will now address various urgent questions from you lot, submitted via tin can hotline:

My little Natsume from Cabin Lanternfly asks: Is this wind likely to strip me of my corporeal form? Absolutely! But only if you’re still clinging to the false notion of corporeality. My advice is to welcome the next phase! You may enjoy being distributed across the biosphere into a new state of being. Just as I have completed my transition! Very freeing!

Cassidy from Cabin Deathbeetle says: The stirring lake is making it hard to hear myself think. Oh, darling! Fret not. The true horror is what you hear during a quiet calm! Eugh! Be grateful. And perhaps the uptick in aquatic disruption will stir up some delicious salmon! [HE SLURPS] Yum! Or… were they all massacred? Hard to say.

[EATING M&Ms]

Mmph. Genevieve says: My tent is gone. Not a problem, Genevieve! In the demon industry, we call that “open-concept living.” Simply designate a lone windward rock as your home, and ride out the inspirational wave.

For counselors Mavis and Marie Ann: the mess hall is now a mess tent.

Oh, here comes another gust— Nope, a full-on microburst! If you hear a noise like several hundred hands clapping, that’s just the collective applause of the abyss! Take a bow, campers! Many of you will soon be airborne.

Ah, now for food! I understand the stores are running low. I’ve taken it upon myself to call up Grubshub: the Hub for Grubs! But [UPSET TSK], it appears they don’t deliver to non-grubs, so I’m out of ideas. Maybe we should all wriggle around for a while to fool those dastardly higher-ups. Ah, the capital greed of it all…

Well, this concludes the morning! Up and Adam, reporting for duty, and… oh, another tent just went by. [LAUGH] Marvelous!

Over and out.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

ADAM

Ahhh, well, well, well, folks and fiends, if it isn’t the windiest day amid the annals of Midwestern masochism! But let’s get to the real twister on everyone’s mind: the fate of our dear, dearly undear rivals, Camp Here and There. As supreme ambassador of Over Where, it is my solemn, demonic duty to inform you that their situation is… how do I phrase this with tenderness and care…? Ah, yes! Catastrophic! [HE LAUGHS LIKE HE’S MAKING FUN OF THEM] Delicious! A veritable jamboree of natural, and supernatural, consequence!

They’re hall of mess is a shriveled pile of gravel and ash, thus leaving them with no food and with even less will to live. So! We’ve all been waiting for it. The Great Merge. It’s official! Camp Here & There and Camp Over Where are now a Single Unbroken Syndicate of Summer Fun. You may see a little culture clash, and possibly several physical altercations. Heh. I’ll bring the popcorn! If I can get some…

I realize that for some of you, the change is traumatic. But, this is a roaring business opportunity! Imagine the revenue streams after the merger! Oh, delightful assets. The suits at GrubsHub won’t see it coming when I sue the slime off their asses! [LAUGH] And for Juniper Sloan, it’s, well, it’s another day at the top of the flagpole, isn’t it? [SNORT] Poor Juniper! Strung up there like a British pennant! I looked up at him this morning and asked, “How’s the weather up there?” and he said—get this—he said, “Bit breezy, innit?“ [LAUGH] Then he asked if he could toss the possum down, as reportedly, they were fighting for real estate.

Now! Why is it that I’ve allowed denizens of Camp Here and There, our local antagonists, to join forces and convene in our little corner of the lake? Uhm. Because Lucille told me to, and Lucille is scarier than I am! [TAMBOURINE]

I know I made cheeky jokes earlier on the nature of the winds. And indeed they are something of myth and demonological legend. But also, and I cannot stress this enough, I had absolutely nothing to do with any of this! The wind, the rains, the lake, the flagpole situation, none of it! My hands are clean! Well, not clean. They’re covered in M&M crumbs and… something I’d rather not identify. But clean! I am an innocent bystander!

[TAMBOURINE]

That said… it is fascinating, is it not? The way the winds chew so ravenously at the soles of our infrastructure? I find it absolutely riveting. If I weren’t a demonic entity of considerable standing, I might even call it beautiful. The sheer craftsmanship of destruction!

But! My one concern is that this meteorological tantrum does not, I repeat, does not interfere with the upcoming Camp Over Where’s First Annual Parade of Earthly Delights and Forbidden Confections! A way to cap off the summer celebrations with a wondrous party! We have been planning this parade for weeks!. Oh, if this wind ruins my parade, I will be inconsolable! I will weep tar! I will gnash all four rows of my teeth!

NATSUME

You have four rows of teeth?

ADAM

On a good day, Natty! Now, here is where it gets sticky, and not just because of the M&Ms. Or, a little. They’ve melted in my pocket… The merger is already producing… friction! Delightful, combustible friction! Camp Here and There’s little darlings arrived this morning looking like drowned cats dragged through a hedge backwards. And our Over Where campers greeted them with all the affection of a tax audit! Cabin Lanternfly has already filed a formal complaint, written in what appears to be blood. Natsume, was that your doing?

NATSUME

It’s beet juice.

ADAM

The complaint states, and I quote: “We reject the assimilation of outsiders into our sacred domain and demand territorial sovereignty over the flag shore, the good bathroom, and the shelf where we keep the skulls.” End quote. And then there’s a drawing of a skeleton being chewed on by a giant wolf with glowing red eyes. It’s a good drawing… Meanwhile, Camp Here & There’s counselors have lodged their own counter-complaint, written on the back of a napkin, which reads: “Please make them stop hissing at us.” With a little frowny face. How precious! Not as good a drawing!

NATSUME

Are you going to do anything about it?

ADAM

Do anything…? [LAUGH] Now, let me illustrate for you a picture of this counselor situation, because it is— oh, how do I put this— a flaming dumpster rolling downhill into a second, larger dumpster, which is also on fire.

They’ve been squabbling like demons at a custody hearing! And I should know. I’ve presided over several! Marie Ann spent forty-five minutes this morning arguing—well, gesturing angrily, uh, she can’t talk—with that Here and There fellow. What’s his name, the one who smells like sunscreen and tanning lotion—?

NATSUME

Joshua?

ADAM

Joshua! Yes! Dreadful man. Absolutely no panache. Marie Ann and Joshua got into it over the safety preparation activities and child management. She threw a clipboard. He ducked. The clipboard hit a camper. [LAUGH]

Then there’s Marisol, bless her sympathetic little heart, who attempted to organize a joint counselor meeting to “get on the same page,” and was immediately shouted down by both sides!

And Fennel! Poor Fennel has been running back and forth between both camps’ cabins like a little peacekeeper, trying to establish order! Which is adorable, but ultimately futile! You cannot broker peace between two factions when one faction believes in mandatory bedtimes and the other believes bedtime is a coward’s gambit!

Now, here’s the real snag, and this is where it gets, heh, well, untenable is a fine word, and I do love that word! Untenable! Sounds like a demon’s surname. “Untenable, of the Seventh Circle, pleased to meet you!” [HE LAUGHS, TAMBOURINE]

[AHEM] I’ve sent Mavis to the gas station.

NATSUME

Huh?

ADAM

[INDIGNANT] I sent Mavis off to the gas station! We’re out of snacks, Natsume! The wind took our pantry stores, GrubsHub is dead to me, and morale cannot survive on bread and pickled things alone! So I dispatched our dear Mavis on a snack run to that Heaven-Eleven off Route 80. The one with that weird cashier, er, Earl, is it? Lovely fellow, actually.

NATSUME

But Mavis is supposed to be watching us…

ADAM

Yes! Correct! [TAMBOURINE] Haha!

NATSUME

Uh—?

ADAM

Oh, you’ll be fine! Children are resilient. Like cockroaches! And frankly, the winds are doing most of the corralling for us. Hard to wander off when you’re pinned to a tree!

And still my chief concern is the parade! The First Annual Parade of Earthly Delights and Forbidden Confections is in three days, Natsume! Three!

[HUFF] What is to be done? I suppose we will have to find some reprieve from the winds if we’re to properly prepare for the parade. SO! BOTH CAMPS! Let’s enforce some structure, hmmm? What ever came of Shovel Club?

NATSUME

Shovel club?

ADAM

Ah, nevermind it! It’s not Over Where activity. Regardless [HE CLAPS] let’s hop to it, hmmm?

Oh, and to the Camp Here and There counselors… do I sound like Sydney? 🙂 Hehe. I’ve been practicing at the job. Hehe.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

ADAM

Ah, the state of affairs! Let me just collect myself. [EATING] Mmph. Peanut M&M. The superior M&M. Don’t argue with me on this, Natsume.

NATSUME

I wasn’t going to.

ADAM

[LAMENTING] What a day. Nothing got done. The big goose egg of productivity was smashed along the concrete into a bunch of tiny, slimy pieces. I asked for a little teamwork, and what did I get?

NATSUME

Well, we did put up the tents.

ADAM

[SIGH] Yes. Credit where credit is due. There are some rudimentary tents rather lazily secured along the western boundary line. So congratulations, children. Golf clap for everyone. [HE CLAPS WEAKLY]

But then, the lot of you found the paint. The paint! Ah, Matisse would rise from the grave just to sneer at the palettes you’ve smeared across not only the tents, but yourselves, and each and every appendage of that one sleeping shih tzu. Why the dog?

NATSUME

I didn’t paint the dog! That was Dolly.

ADAM

He who denies it supplied it, Natsume! [LAUGH] I read that on a Snapple cap once.

Nevertheless, I must admit to feeling a certain pride at the general air of chaos enveloping our collective.

But let’s talk of more supernal things. It’s been a rough transition. I would be remiss if I failed to mention the rising groundswell of occult enthusiasm among the campers. The Great Merge has inspired your peer group, Natsume, to escalate the grand old traditions of demon summoning!

NATSUME

Er. We just—

ADAM

Hold on. And what position did you take, my boy?

NATSUME

They’ve established me as lead summoner on account of my “tainted bloodline.” Which, like, slaps.

ADAM

It does! It slaps heartily. And it shows excellent initiative!

So, it was to my delight that I found a small cabal of you, half Over Where and half Here and There, in the keen absence of counselors, assembling crude thaumaturgical equipment from scraps and detritus. The pentagram was, rendered in a splendid blend of de-icing salt and stolen cheese powder, was quite cute. The candles, ah, there were misguided nubs of them everywhere. How precious.

NATSUME

If you’re going to critique it—

ADAM

Now, your technique was… mostly correct. Your theory was… Ehhh. And yet! When you invoked the names… I will not repeat them here, as I do have an ounce of self-preservation… they rang out with such raw, unfiltered Wonder Bread energy, that it called forth… something! Not a demon, though. More like… the metaphysical equivalent of a juice box being run over by a lawnmower.

So [HE SUCKS IN] it backfired. The demonic arts are highly unstable. Without a knowledgeable hand… Kaboom! The north forest is… well, let’s just say… a bit engulfed in roaring flame. Ahhhh.

NATSUME

It was so awesome. Like, the power you feel in the moment is crazy. Should I feel guilty for the fire?

ADAM

Absolutely not. Fires are nature’s snot after all, sneezing on the stability of the atomic world. We need it to un-gunk the skull. That said, I do wish you and your apostles had held off until we finished up a safe haven for the night… Because, remember, we have to keep everyone in one piece for the parade. Oh, and my lovely therapy sweetheart needs a place to sleep.

So, I’m sorry to the greater Here, and There denizens for the startling setback, and for the continuation of incandescent destruction under my watch. You must understand. My current… disposition has left me at less than peak attentiveness. I have been… distracted. There are things I wish for, and lately, none of them are within reach.

I’ve counted half a dozen campers clinging to trees, a counselor or two walking at a forty-five degree angle, and more than one of you with your belongings redistributed across the skyline. Everyone is windswept and wild-eyed, like a flock of startled starlings. With very little leadership in place…

And worst of all! Mavis has returned with ZERO snacks, as reportedly her and Earl got into a rousing altercation. I intend to punish her duly. Though she did hand me a textbook titled: It’s Raining Men: a complete documentation of odd weather phenomena, so I assume this is apt study material for the foreseeable future.

Augh. So there’s the day pissed away. We have no food, very little shelter, and have reached a low point in morale, with the children sitting discontentedly in territorial aggression… The winds are blowing the fire across the forest. And the parade preparations… I feel as if I am a bit of a failure here…

NATSUME

I’m sorry.

ADAM

I know you are… But let’s look at the bright side! A burgeoning demonologist such as yourself calls for careful encouragement! You see, demon summoning is an art deserving of a wing in the MoMA. It requires considerable care and understanding… which is why I shall take on the mantle of educator.

NATSUME

You’re really going to help!?

ADAM

Of course! It’s in my best interest to take an apprentice. And… then you cannot set our safe haven on fire. What say you, little guy?

NATSUME

YES.

ADAM

Excellent! At this rate, the parade is as good as saved…!

Ah! Thus concludes this day’s announcements! I swear, we will find a way to food and shelter tonight. And… Well, Sydney, if you’re hearing this.

I miss you. They can’t keep you locked away forever.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

Hold still, please. I’m sorry. I need to sanitize the socket.

[SHUFFLING]

SYDNEY

[FRUSTRATED BREATH OUT]

JEDIDIAH

[SIGH] What can I do for you?

SYDNEY

Grrr… I’m just done with this.

JEDIDIAH

I don’t really want to stay here… The nurse’s office is fine, and you should sleep in your own bed. I’ll just… [HE STRUGGLES] Eh… I… I was gonna offer to fetch you food, but…

SYDNEY

[WITH DISDAIN] Mhm.

JEDIDIAH

[HE BREATHES IN, MUMBLING] Christ. I can’t make you trek all the way every time.

SYDNEY

Rock and a hard place, huh? Must be so difficult for you.

JEDIDIAH

Maybe… Lucille’s golf cart… Uhm…

SYDNEY

Tch.

JEDIDIAH

I— I— what can I do? What do you want?

SYDNEY

Hm. I wanna do the therapy. You, me, and him.

JEDIDIAH

Are you insane!?

SYDNEY

[LAUGH]

JEDIDIAH

Oh, Sydney… What do you get out of this? I-is it enjoyable for you to see me like this…?

SYDNEY

[LAUGHING]

JEDIDIAH

Can you talk to me?

SYDNEY

I can think of a great place for talking!

JEDIDIAH

I need… I need to fix it, please. What do you need?

[PAUSE]

SYDNEY

How did I die?

[CRASHING AND BEEPING]

SYDNEY

[BREATHING HEAVY AND COUGHING]

[SILENCE]

SYDNEY

[LAUGH] Yeah, you don’t wanna tell me. Cause I got a feeling, Jedidiah! I got a big, stinking feeling.

JEDIDIAH

I—… What did he tell you?

SYDNEY

Wouldn’t you like to know.

JEDIDIAH

[SIGH]

SYDNEY

[SOFTENING] Wouldn’t it make you feel better to just say it?

JEDIDIAH

No.

SYDNEY

Tsk.

[CLICK]

Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.

The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.

The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.

The role of Up and Adam was performed by Dio Garner.

The role of Natsume Shiota was performed by Arden Shane.

With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto. 

Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler, and Another You.

 Dialogue editing by The Leo!

 Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.

And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible! 

Special thanks to Charlie Ceshmor and Razzware.

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 Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: When entering the ether, proceed with a 5th of caution.