Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.
Episode Sixty Seven: Summoning 101
ADAM
Welcome back, my favorite funeral snacks. I’m so happy you’ve chosen to deign once again joining me for another round of psychiatric ice-picking. Nurse!!! Oh, nurse!!! Scalpel please!!! Hahahahaha, just kidding. A little therapy humor, if you will. 🙂
[SILENCE]
ADAM
Haha, I’m so quirky. Hehe. They can’t take me anywhere. Hehe.
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
Nice to see you, Adam.
ADAM
And what a sight for sore eyes! … Well [SNRK] Eye.
JEDIDIAH
[SEETHES]
ADAM
[LAUGH] You really know how to keep an eye out for me. [GIGGLES]
[SILENCE]
ADAM
Well let’s get down to brass tracks, hm?
JEDIDIAH
Brass—
ADAM
Tracks! Now why is it, love, that you’ve called upon my services following such a… harrowing embargo?
JEDIDIAH
Don’t call him love…!?
ADAM
[STERN] This is about what he wants. [SOFTER] What do you want, then?
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
Do I have to say it?
ADAM
Well, direct communication is the worm wriggling in the fruit of honesty.
[MORE SILENCE]
SYDNEY
[GRR] I don’t want another headache.
JEDIDIAH
It’ll do more than that.
ADAM
What do you want?
SYDNEY
[TAKES A MOMENT] There was a time… before. There was a time before. I want to… know… what happened.
ADAM
Mhm.
SYDNEY
I want to know.
ADAM
You deserve to.
JEDIDIAH
Mm.
ADAM
Don’t you agree?
JEDIDIAH
He… yes, he deserves to.
ADAM
… but?
JEDIDIAH
[QUIETLY] I can’t do it.
SYDNEY
Can’t or won’t!?
JEDIDIAH
I can’t.
ADAM
You can…! Of minnestrone soup.
[SHUFFLE]
[HE’S OPENING IT] [SHHHK]
[GULPING NOISES]
JEDIDIAH
Uhm.
ADAM
[GULP] Ahhhh…. have one!
JEDIDIAH
Er…
ADAM
Now, I have an idea to get those juices to settle. Let’s do a little imagination exercise, therapy pals!
JEDIDIAH
Imagination exercise…?
ADAM
Picture this: You’re in High School. Remember High School? That was some fun, huh? Now imagine that it’s your senior year, and you’re going to the prom!
JEDIDIAH
Oh, Christ.
ADAM
Is there a problem?
JEDIDIAH
Not this. Please.
SYDNEY
Why?
JEDIDIAH
Er…
ADAM
Great question! Why, Jedidiah? Why are you trying to keep secrets from him?
JEDIDIAH
You know why. You know I don’t want to… I don’t want…
ADAM
Ha. Haha. Hahahaha! What you want is irrelevant, Jedboy!
JEDIDIAH
Please. Please, just— stop talking about this. I’m asking nicely now, but I’m not sure how much longer I’ll have restraint.
SYDNEY
Jedidiah!
ADAM
[MOCK GASP] Is that a threat?
SYDNEY
[SNRK] … Kinda into it.
ADAM
UHM!? You are not “into it”, Sydney, Jedidiah is violating the sanctity of this room as a safe space for open communication!
SYDNEY
Yeah. I want to hear the exercise.
JEDIDIAH
No you don’t. No you don’t.
ADAM
How presumptuous. You think you know what’s best for him? What with all the good you’ve done for his life?
JEDIDIAH
… [PLEADING] Sydney…
SYDNEY
I’m sorry. Keep going.
JEDIDIAH
[FEELING POWERLESS] Sydney.
ADAM
Alright, boys, calm down. Let’s get back to the imaginarium!
So, High School. Senior prom, at one of Cuyahoga County’s dingiest public schools. An important milestone in any young man’s life, but one you always assumed you’d skip out on. Even now it feels sort of like a dream. And as the rubbery smells and ultraviolet sights of the school gymnasium hit you, you feel the need to brace yourself against the overwhelming reality of it all by squeezing the hand of your companion. His fingers fit so perfectly betwixt yours. You can’t tell who’s responsible for all the moisture on your palm.
You toss your eyes askance, just long enough to steal a glance at him standing there beside you. He’s wearing this elegant, late-Gregorian dress, all black like griefwear; all it needs is a veil. And some might find it odd, his decision to wear these clothes in this place. It’s a decision many of his peers will deem uncouth, but which you and your boring old tuxedo wholeheartedly support.
Of course, you were always so accepting. While everyone else around him was mired in their expectations and preconceptions, you only ever wanted him to be exactly who he was. Do you consider that a virtue? Do you consider that enough?
Are you imagining?
[SILENCE]
Imagine your first, tentative steps into the room, the click of his heels as he steps after you. Imagine which of your classmates are staring; which are whispering, about the scrawny Amish creep and the only slut with standards low enough to hold his hand, and which of your classmates aren’t bothering to waste their attention. Imagine a hand on your shoulder, and imagine you glance at him, you glance down at his eyes—no, his eyes, you pervert. You don’t remember ever seeing them alight like this, and that realization brings you back around to the truth of this moment, a truth far more important than that of who among your bloodthirsty peers is or isn’t bearing witness.
This is everything he ever wanted… which is everything you ever wanted.
He didn’t win prom queen, of course, but you and your mother pretended he did anyways, and took him out for ice cream after… Are you imagining?
Now imagine you dance. Are you imagining your hand on his waist? The give of his flesh beneath the fabric, the smell of his jasmine perfume, that look in his eyes? Don’t look away. Don’t try to stop thinking about it. No, Jedidiah, don’t look away. You always wanted to look away, even then; even when you loved him without shame he was too much for you to stare at head on. Hasn’t he earned it, by now? Your unabashed gaze? Can’t you at least look frankly upon his memory?
Can’t you at least imagine it?
JEDIDIAH
Sydney. Please… tell him to stop.
SYDNEY
Uhm, Adam—
ADAM
What is it, Sydney? Do you want me to stop? Be honest. Do you want me to stop?
SYDNEY
I… Jedidiah—
ADAM
This is not about him, darling. This is about what you want.
JEDIDIAH
Sydney. I am— begging you—
ADAM
What do you want, Sydney?
SYDNEY
I want him to look at me.
JEDIDIAH
Sydney, you are in danger—
ADAM
Picture this.
College. A medical school, nestled up in the tiny corner of Pennsylvania that meets Lake Erie. Two years ago, you and your best friend traveled here to find your lives together. These days, it’s looking less and less like the two of you will find your live(s), plural.
He wasn’t cut out for this. He’s crashing, and soon burning; he cannot balance the expectations of his teachers and the needs of his body, so he skips as many meals as he can live without and he still has to retake a few classes every semester. At this point, the money your family has poured into his education, and the sense of obligation that fostered, is probably the main reason he hasn’t… well, heh… let alone dropped out.
And you’ve given him everything he’s wanted, except for your attention, which he isn’t owed. Anyway, if you shifted your focus onto him then your education would suffer, and that would doom the both of you; ’cause when you’re a doctor, see, you’ll have all the money in the world, and all the prestige, and that’s when you can afford to be his safety net, his shoulder to cry on, his lover. All he has to do until then is survive, and you cannot do that for him. You cannot take his life into your hands.
These are the excuses you tell yourself. It’s a compelling argument; you’ve been building it for quite a while, after all. But here’s the reality of the situation, Jedidiah. Here’s what you refuse to look at.
Here’s Sydney, knocking on the door to your dorm because you haven’t answered his calls. Here’s your roommate, and she’s the one who lets him in and says hello, because you were too busy studying to get up and open the door. Here’s Sydney, tapping on your shoulder, apologizing, and there you are, asking him what he needs. What he needs? Have you considered what he wants? And Sydney can’t answer, because you have already given him so much, so much of what he needs. He could not possibly ask for more of what he needs, and he could not possibly ask you for what he wants.
You finally glance up at him, and then immediately you look away, in shame, in regret and denial. He looks like every meal he’s missed. He looks like every night’s sleep he’s lost to a haze of tears and caffeine, and you cannot bear to see him like this, so you don’t. You look away. And you look away from this moment, and all moments like it, for the next six years of your life.
But now… [DARK CHUCKLE] you see it now, don’t you, Jedidiah? You see what you’ve done?
Answer the question. We’re having a dialogue here.
JEDIDIAH
Y-Yes. I. I see.
ADAM
And how does that make you feel?
JEDIDIAH
I— I…
ADAM
[DARK CHUCKLE] I bet it does.
SYDNEY
Ow…
JEDIDIAH
We should stop.
SYDNEY
No.
JEDIDIAH
Sydney—
SYDNEY
Why did you do that?
[SILENCE]
ADAM
Hmmmmm? Have we a reply?
[SILENCE]
Do you see now, Sydney? My darling, he’s never going to answer you.
That is…
Unless you make him.
[CLINK, HE PLACES A KNIFE ON THE TABLE]
SYDNEY
Unless I make him…
ADAM
Yes, see the knife? A good friend of ours.
SYDNEY
I—
ADAM
Picture this, Sydney.
JEDIDIAH
Don’t.
ADAM
Fluorescent lights. The hum is so loud. You feel it rattle your teeth. You’re in the dormitory bathroom. The tile is a ruddy color, like gums rinsed with salt water. The drinking fountain leaks rust down the wall. You have a pill bottle in your hand, and your other hand firmly grips your phone.
You haven’t slept in, what, [CHUFF] five days? Your vision is prismatic at the edges. You can barely feel your bare legs on the tile.
But isn’t that what you wanted? To just be weightless?
There’s etiquette to bad decisions. You make sure the room is locked, because you are still a little bit vain. You take the pills one at a time, dry-swallowing. You leave the bottle on the little ledge above the toilet, so they know what happened. You text him. He doesn’t reply. You call. He doesn’t pick up. You leave a voicemail that you don’t remember recording, but it was just a five-second rush of breathing.
This is his worst nightmare.
You wait. That’s what you’re best at, after all.
You wait, and the anxiety of waiting is, in a funny way, worse than the fear itself. You think: Why the hell isn’t it working? Is it supposed to hurt? Shouldn’t I feel it? Am I going to throw up?
You run the shower, because even in these most self-centered moments, you don’t want to leave a mess. The water is too hot. It stings. You stand there until the lines between your skin and the world get blurry. You start to feel that knock, knock, knock in your neck.
You blink, and then you’re on the tile, and you can’t move your arms. You realize, in slow motion and then all at once, that you’ve forgotten basic things, like how to move your tongue, or how to call for help.
You see nothing, then you see everything, then you see nothing again.
Are you imagining? His phone was face-down on the desk, held shut under a textbook, because if he wanted to finish his final project, he couldn’t answer your call. And he remembers that day, remembers that, for the rest of his life.
SYDNEY
[BREATHING HEAVY]
ADAM
He looked at you then.
JEDIDIAH
No, I— I-it was—
ADAM
You think I didn’t see it all then, latched to Sydney’s consciousness like some perverse mealworm!?
SYDNEY
What happened after…?
ADAM
[LAUGH] He took the choice away, my darling. He strong-armed the universe’s hand and closed the slot in the roulette wheel before the ball could bounce to rest.
Are you picturing it?
Your world ceases, and then it doesn’t. The nothingness is so sweet and absolute, then—slam! The cold inertia of an EKG whipcrack. Doctors. Beeps. Tubes. An ocean of chemical clarity.
It’s almost funny: you couldn’t even get dying right.
JEDIDIAH
Stop.
ADAM
[MOCK TEASING] Oh, you don’t want me to stop.
The world moved on. Your body languished under the white scratchy sheets of Cleveland Clinic’s best. They did what they could, forcing your brain into a half-stasis. But, honestly, no one expected you to come back.
But he visited you every day! That’s dedication, honey. I’ll give him that. Heh. Do you want me to keep going?
JEDIDIAH
Please don’t.
SYDNEY
My head hurts…
ADAM
Do you want me to keep going?
SYDNEY
Yes.
ADAM
And you’re there at the bed, holding his clammy hand. You speak to him, you read to him. Everyday is a newfound level of torture. You’re waiting for the call; the one where it ends. You dream every night that he wakes up. You don’t remember what it’s like to live without this feeling.
And then the call comes.
Picture this.
You’re sitting there, where you always are, and you watch the way the sunsetting light falls on his face, such a lively red, and you clutch your knees. This is it. You wait until the nurses change shifts, you watch with a devout patience, then when the floor’s as dead as your boy, you pull the curtain.
You hope, deliriously, that he somehow wakes up on the way.
Maybe the siren of the ambulance would wake him.
I have to say, Jedidiah, for someone who hates attention, you really know how to seize a narrative. But let’s not distract ourselves with the detritus of post-mortem regret. Let’s focus, for a moment, on the part that matters. The big bang of self, as it were.
Imagine you trace the veins of the highway in your hijacked ambulance, and you end up at your childhood campsite, where you met, and the only place that feels familiar anymore— except, of course, for the boy now fading in your passenger seat. The windows are down, and your knuckles are cramping on the steering wheel.
You park where no one will see you, turn off the headlights, and tiptoe him across the field.
You prop him upright against a buckeye tree. His head flops forward to his chest. You run your finger along his hairline and tuck those loose strands behind his ear.
Every Godless nurse insisted he was a lost cause, but they didn’t understand. They never do. You, on the other hand…
You pull those hospital sheets tighter around him as you lay him in the grass. You stroke the bridge of his nose with your thumb. You say you’re sorry.
He’s not dead. Not yet. You feel it, a shuddering, grotesque mockery of breathing. But you must… well, how did you phrase it?
JEDIDIAH
No.
ADAM
Off and…
JEDIDIAH
No.
ADAM
On again, right? You have to take matters into your own hands.
And how are you going to do that?
The forking river is swollen, frigid with the taste of Ohio’s October. You walk into the current with him in your arms. The water rises to your knees, then your hips, then it’s at his jaw. You kneel, and the water cradles you both. He’s so light. It takes no effort.
It’s so cold. He’s still at first, eerily so. Then his jaw trembles. Some vestigial, reflexive part of him tries to inhale, but he can’t, because you have locked your arms around him, whispering it’s okay, it’s okay, it’s okay, over and over and over.
[SNICKER] Just like ol’ John, hm? That’s what you tell yourself. If you have to do it, then cleanse him of your sins in the process. You know very well that you’re giving up your place in heaven, but at least you can give him a chance.
How long did you kneel there? Thirty seconds? A minute? An hour?
And when it was over, and the water stilled, and his body went slack, you held him for three more full minutes, just to be sure.
Then you baptized him a second time, this time with tears and spit and snot, because you’re a dramatic bitch. You laid his head on the bank, left a kiss on his brow, and kept saying sorry.
Then you walked into the trees and threw up until you saw stars, and only then did you convince yourself you’d done the right thing.
See, sweetheart? He took that choice from you.
SYDNEY
[WINCE] Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
ADAM
He took it.
SYDNEY
I— Oh, fuck. Fuck.
ADAM
You have to make the choice for yourself, Sydney. Grab the knife! Do it now! How many times has your world been written for you? Even then, even then, when it was you who decided your fate, you didn’t decide!
SYDNEY
[GASPING AND WHEEZING] I can’t breathe.
ADAM
What do you want?
[SILENCE]
ADAM
Go on… What do you want?
JEDIDIAH
ENOUGH! THAT’S ENOUGH!!
ADAM
Oh? [LAUGH] Have we an objection? Heh, such a delicious look in your eyes. D’aw, d’you hate me that much?
JEDIDIAH
Can I just fucking shoot this guy!?
SYDNEY
[WHEEZE] NO! [COUGHING] What the fuck is wrong with you!?
ADAM
Such violence! Ohohohoho, wow~! I’m so scared! As if some sniveling, sopping ferret could hurt me!
Heh, but it is… heh. A bit cute. Is this not the truth, Jedidiah?
JEDIDIAH
Stop!
ADAM
Because you think you’re above it, huh? Because what’s another head at the bottom of the lake, right? You’re so deep already, one more little lie, after another, after another… [MOCKING] You’re just distracted.
See the way he recoils? Hehehehe. It’s too easy.
Hehehehehehe [GETTING CARRIED AWAY]
Picture this, Jedidiah. You know what it looks like.
A body. In your arms. You’ve been there for hours, and you’ve resigned yourself, by now, to the fact that lifting up its closed eyelids will not motivate its dull iris to spark, but you haven’t given up on hugging it. Sydney was always a bit anemic but he was never this cold. He was never this gray. And you rub the stiff limbs of the corpse, if only because the friction provides some illusion of warmth, and you cannot let it go, and you cannot tear your eyes away. You loved this body once, you loved to hold it, but no part of you can love what is in your arms right now; it is not Sydney. The human is here, but the person is gone, and with him went everything you wanted, everything you ever did anything for.
Oh, everything! Everything you did, all for him, all for nothing! You tried so hard to build a life for him, you forgot that he was even alive! And now he’s not anymore. Was it worth all the work? Was it worth watching him die?!
You don’t have an answer, of course. You cannot think right now. All you do is hold it. For so long, you hold that corpse, till the tears are so long gone that your throat hurts for the lack of them, till your vision is so clouded with grief and regret that you cannot look at him any more. And then your hunger, and your thirst, and your exhaustion, those things you get when you’re alive; those things he will never have again, it all hits you. You must leave him, because you are alive and he is dead.
So you look away. For the very last time.
And then the worms see him. And the germs… and the fungi…
They feast upon the jelly of his eyes, then wriggle into his cranium through the holes they leave behind. He crumbles. First, from the inside out, his organs go; his stomach popping like a water balloon, its rancid acid staining his meat; his brain, melting to a pulp, repurposed into an orphanage for dear little maggots. Then he bloats, his body swollen with gas and pus and bugs; from his many holes leaks foamy, congealed blood, and his skin turns red, and then green, as he depressurizes, and his ribs cave in… and his teeth fall out… and the worms crawl in… and the worms crawl out…
Are you seeing it? Are you looking at him now? It’s your fault, you know! You watched him die! You watched him die! For years, you watched him die and did nothing! AND NOW LOOK AT HIM!
Look at Sydney.
You are looking at a dead man.
How does that make you feel?
[JEDIDIAH IS CRYING]
[ADAM BEGINS LAUGHING]
[SYDNEY STARTS LAUGHING WITH HIM]
ADAM
[DISBELIEF] Why— why are you laughing.
[LAUGHING]
ADAM
Hello. What.
SYDNEY
Oh, man! You really got me there, Adam! [LAUGHING]
ADAM
What.
SYDNEY
Ow. Ow, my head. Haha. Yeah, you almost had me! But— Haha, yeah. I totally forgot. It’s all an imagination exercise! Hahaha!
[SOUNDS OF JEDIDIAH CRYING]
SYDNEY
Hey, baby it’s okay. I’m right here I-I’m not dead… see? He’s just full of hot air.
JEDIDIAH
[SNIFFLING] N-no… no…
SYDNEY
Hey… Hey it’s alright. It’s okay. You’re okay.
[JEDIDIAH’S WHIMPERING CRYING IS HEARD THROUGHOUT THIS CONVERSATION]
SYDNEY
Yeah, Adam. You’re real good, you know? My death? [HE ATTEMPTS TO LAUGH IT OFF, THIS IS MIXED WITH JEDDIE’S MUFFLED WHIMPERS] Maggot brain! Whatever! … Hey, hey Jedidiah calm down, please. It’s alright, it’s fine. It’s no big deal.
JEDIDIAH
It is…It is… Are you happy?
SYDNEY
[PAUSE] … Okay. I see.
ADAM
Mm? And what’s that, darling?
SYDNEY
I’m not going to kill myself, Adam.
ADAM
I beg your pardon?
SYDNEY
I’m not going to do anything for you. [LAUGH]
ADAM
Well, n-not for me! For you!
SYDNEY
Uh-huh.
ADAM
But he— His silence, it’s guilty… He— he would do those things, dear. He’d kill you than sooner face what he’s done. He can’t be for you what you want. You’re never going to be happy. He’s never going to love you.
SYDNEY
I know. But he won’t stop crying.
ADAM
Yes, because he knows the evils he’s committed! All against you!
SYDNEY
Hey, hey it’s okay… Ow. No, Adam. It’s because of everything you’ve said. Everything you’ve done. Look. Of course I know what you’ve been doing to me. And I thought I wanted this… But… No. I don’t want this for him. You can’t use me to hurt him.
ADAM
[DARKLY COLD] What do you want then, Sydney?
SYDNEY
I want you to get the fuck out of my camp.
[LONG SILENCE AS A CHAIR SQUEAKING IS EVENTUALLY HEARD AND ADAM LEAVES]
JEDIDIAH
Are you happy? Are you happy?
SYDNEY
[ANNOYED] I don’t want to hear it, Jedidiah. I don’t…
JEDIDIAH
Are you happy?
SYDNEY
It’s—
JEDIDIAH
You got everything you wanted.
SYDNEY
No, I’m not happy.
JEDIDIAH
So you just get off to watching me suffer? Is that it?
SYDNEY
No—
JEDIDIAH
I deserve it.
SYDNEY
C’mon—
JEDIDIAH
Oh, Christ. I’m sorry. But. But! If you want to kill yourself so bad, then just do it and leave me to suffer! Oh my God. I can’t believe I said that. I’m so sorry.
SYDNEY
C’mon.
JEDIDIAH
Because then what? I’ve done… I’ve done everything for you… and if you don’t want it… I know I can’t really stop you I can’t— I should have picked up the phone. I could have. I should have. Then it would all be different. But. What. Do I tell you to stop? Then it’s I’m “so controlling,” and yeah, I am. I literally am. Because I have to be because— … [PAUSE, REWIND] and I am okay with bearing that sin. I have to be. Your disability, your needs, I literally have to make those choices for you because you can’t, and that’s okay for me, because it’s probably way harder for you, and I know that but I— how much do I need to take? To make it better? How much more punishment? I’d do literally anything to help you. I would. I have. I’d do anything. I mean… just, God, Sydney I’m so scared of you…
SYDNEY
Wait, how are you making this my fault!?
JEDIDIAH
You know now. How much more? I’m so scared of you… Sydney. There’s not… a day I’ve done right by you. But… but how much more must you… must you punish me…
SYDNEY
Uhm…
JEDIDIAH
I can’t be this scared of you. I—I can’t be. How humiliating. What kind of man am I? I’m terrified of my crippled lover who can barely walk, but I am. I am! I literally killed you and somehow I’m so scared of you. FUCK that’s awful of me! And how much longer will I be? I’m asking. I’m asking so I know. Please. When will this end? Is it forever? Do I deserve this forever? Maybe I do. Oh. That’s so selfish.
SYDNEY
Okay. Okay, calm down please.
JEDIDIAH
[CRYING] Maybe I deserve it forever. Oh, God. I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m sorry.
SYDNEY
Honey. Calm.. down…
JEDIDIAH
[ATTEMPTING TO STEADY HIS BREATHING]
SYDNEY
Hey. I— [PAUSE] [AFTER SOME TIME] I’m sorry.
JEDIDIAH
[SNIFFLES] I… I don’t know what to do. I don’t… I don’t blame you… for the ways your life fell sideways but… but it’s… it’s my fault.
SYDNEY
I’m sorry—
JEDIDIAH
I have to hold you together.
SYDNEY
I never asked that of you.
JEDIDIAH
You never had to. [SNIFFLE] Look at me.
[SILENCE]
JEDIDIAH
Tell me I’m wrong.
SYDNEY
[BREATHES OUT] No… You’re right. Mm…
[PAUSE] [HE GRABS THE KNIFE]
I’m sorry. Honestly, I— I don’t recognize myself… I’ve been a horrible person.
JEDIDIAH
Your poor eye, and it’s all my fault. My love. Oh, my love it’s all my fault.
SYDNEY
N-no, it’s not! It’s not.
JEDIDIAH
Oh, I can’t do this to you. After all I’ve done. This is awful. Why would I do this to you?
SYDNEY
N-no. Listen to me… [BEAT] I’ve been horrible, Jedidiah. I—I… no, it doesn’t feel good. Uhm. I don’t know how I feel about… all of it… but I— I’ve been… so cruel. So, so cruel to you.
JEDIDIAH
Easy to say now that you’ve gotten what you wanted. And I can’t even cry. What kind of man am I if I can’t look you in the eye after killing you? If I have any complaint or ask of you? I have to take it, or I’m the lowest of the low… well, lower than I am already. And what would I be if you did die? Oh, you deserve to know. I know you do.
SYDNEY
OW! My head hurts so bad.
JEDIDIAH
Are you okay?
SYDNEY
The pain won’t go away… Oh gosh, make it stop!
JEDIDIAH
[AUTHENTIC] Poor baby. C’mere.
SYDNEY
No! Don’t— comfort me right now! I’m trying to apologize. God!
JEDIDIAH
[DUMBFOUNDED] Oh.
SYDNEY
It’s not— I don’t— Urgh! Guh! Like. You don’t deserve this, obviously. I mean, no, I mean— Well, I thought you did. Y’know, like— I needed… I needed you to feel… like I felt. Like. You needed to feel what you did. I don’t know. Obviously you do, and I just… I hated you. Well, no, I hated what’s happened to me. But, like, you don’t deserve what I’ve done to myself. This is so hard to admit and I don’t want to.
JEDIDIAH
Mhm.
SYDNEY
But it’s true. I shouldn’t… I’ve been acting like a child.
JEDIDIAH
I wouldn’t say that. [SNIFF] You reasonably behave like someone under duress.
SYDNEY
You’re being too easy on me.
JEDIDIAH
I just want it to end.
SYDNEY
Stop making excuses for me.
JEDIDIAH
I—
SYDNEY
I’m trying to say that, like… [GROAN] I don’t know. That I’m shitty.
JEDIDIAH
I don’t like that.
SYDNEY
Yeah. You’re right.
[SILENCE]
SYDNEY
I love you.
JEDIDIAH
I love you too.
SYDNEY
I just didn’t… didn’t ask for… I didn’t realize that I— uhm.
JEDIDIAH
I deserve eternal damnation for what I’ve done to you.
SYDNEY
NO! Not even. And I hate seeing you cry. Augh. I’ve fucked up. I think… Well, like… I don’t want you to suffer. At all. I don’t want that so much that I’m— That I promise— … Look. Look at me. I’m alive. And I may be alive because of [WINCE] you… but I’m going to stay alive for me.
JEDIDIAH
Is that—
SYDNEY
I promise.
JEDIDIAH
Is that even possible?
SYDNEY
I don’t know, but I promise to do better. If I were you, Id’ve left me by now.
JEDIDIAH
No, my love, no. I’m sorry, I just— No. I’ve… I made my choice.
SYDNEY
You’ve made your choice?
JEDIDIAH
Mhm.
SYDNEY
Mm. I don’t want to keep you hostage.
JEDIDIAH
It hasn’t been easy… but, no, I’ve chosen you.
SYDNEY
Mm…
JEDIDIAH
You’re my person. I can’t change that.
SYDNEY
Well, you can.
JEDIDIAH
I don’t want to.
SYDNEY
Ugh, my head. I still feel awful. How do I fix this?
JEDIDIAH
I ask myself that everyday. [SMALL LAUGH]
SYDNEY
I can’t think about it. I can feel my eyes pushing against my skull.
[PAUSE]
I’m sorry. I don’t want you to be scared of me.
JEDIDIAH
[AWKWARD LAUGH]
SYDNEY
What can I do?
JEDIDIAH
… Stay alive?
SYDNEY
Yeah. Don’t worry.
JEDIDIAH
I worry.
SYDNEY
Mm. I would… I promise. I will never do that to you. Again. It hasn’t hit until now… just… I guess… the consequences, y’know.
JEDIDIAH
Geeze, Sydney. Are you serious?
SYDNEY
I guess.
[SILENCE]
[JEDIDIAH SNIFFLES]
SYDNEY
Hey, c’mere.
[THEY HUG]
SYDNEY
We’re really fucked up, aren’t we?
JEDIDIAH
Maybe. Yes.
SYDNEY
What do we do about that?
JEDIDIAH
I just want to be with you.
SYDNEY
Yeah. Me too.
JEDIDIAH
I want everything to be normal.
SYDNEY
Sure.
[PAUSE]
SYDNEY
Can… Can we think of ways to make life easier? Hey, y’know, maybe we can try slowly acclimating me to leaving the campgrounds. Uhm. Little bit at a time. I have to have hope for stuff like that, right? Something has to improve eventually if we… keep trying…
JEDIDIAH
Yeah. I know it’ll be hard. [SNIFFLE] I’m sure we can figure something out. I understand how serious it is for you.
Uhm. But can you at least not cheat on me anymore?
SYDNEY
That was cruel of me, I’m sorry…
[SILENCE] [THEY BREAK FROM THE HUG]
SYDNEY
I let myself get manipulated. Like, I was fine with it. Geeze. It was so cruel of me I just— that was really bad and childish, I shouldn’t even be— You shouldn’t— [BREATHE] Okay. I’m sorry. I keep doing this and I don’t know why. No, like, I do know. I wanted validation. But I can’t— I keep not… caring. I should but I don’t. I just don’t care what happens to me because, like, everything already did… happen to me… and it feels, I guess, like a little satisfying to make you worry. Like. To make you feel bad, so you change. I dunno.
JEDIDIAH
And when I point this out you— you snap at me.
SYDNEY
Yeah. It’s cruel. There’s a pattern. I’m the problem.
JEDIDIAH
Please. Please no more. I’ll go grey before I’m thirty.
SYDNEY
Yeah. It’s not your fault. I see how I’ve made it your fault.
[JEDIDIAH BREATHES OUT]
SYDNEY
I’ve been pushing you. I guess subconsciously I… wanted to see how much I could. I wanted to prove I was allowed to. That’s not okay.
JEDIDIAH
I can’t handle much more.
SYDNEY
I swear, never again. I’m really lucky you’ve been this tolerant. Besides, there’s nothing more I can learn anyways, is there?
JEDIDIAH
… You have the full story.
SYDNEY
OUCh! .. Though I guess it was justice a little bit.
JEDIDIAH
Mmm… … We are fucked up.
SYDNEY
Egg on my face.
JEDIDIAH
Really fucked up.
SYDNEY
Like a sizzling sunny side up.
JEDIDIAH
So fucked up.
SYDNEY
Would it be poached, actually?
JEDIDIAH
Supremely fucked up, Sydney.
[SYDNEY LAUGHS]
SYDNEY
Yeah. But we can get better though, right?
JEDIDIAH
I hope so.
SYDNEY
If we both try enough.
JEDIDIAH
I want to believe that.
SYDNEY
What would you like?
JEDIDIAH
To let me hold you some more.
SYDNEY
Mhm.
Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe.
The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance.
The role of Up and Adam was performed by Dio Garner.
With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto.
Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler, and Another You.
Dialogue editing by The Leo!
Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.
And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible!
Special thanks to Jay, thelocustunderyourbed, and Lily ArtillianEye.
To join them, and to get behind-the-scenes content like bloopers, development notes, early access to episodes, interactive events, and more, visit the Patreon at patreon.com/bluewolfe.
You can also join the official Discord server to connect with fellow listeners and discuss the latest episode—find the link in the description of today’s episode.
And finally, if you’d like to support the show and ensure we can keep going, the most meaningful thing you can do is to help spread the word!
Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There!
And remember: Now ends where never began.
…
[PHONE RINGING]
JEDIDIAH
Hello?
[FUZZY SILENCE]
JEDIDIAH
[SNIFF] Lucille, I told you not to call me. I don’t know what you think we are, but I’m not giving you more money and—
SYDNEY
Jedidiah?
JEDIDIAH
[STUNNED SILENCE]
SYDNEY
Jedidiah, are you there?
JEDIDIAH
[VOICE BARELY ABOVE A WHISPER] Yes.
SYDNEY
Hey, what day is it?
JEDIDIAH
It’s— [PAUSE] H-happy birthday?
SYDNEY
It’s January?
JEDIDIAH
Yes, er, it’s Monday.
SYDNEY
OH!
JEDIDIAH
H-how…
SYDNEY
I’m not sure what happened, but I woke up in this circle of acorns and berries and covered in leaves! Hahahaha! Must have been the sacrifice for some sort of ritual! Birthday weekends, am I right?
JEDIDIAH
Yeah, Sydney.
SYDNEY
I’m really fuzzy. Do you remember what happened…? What were we doing at the campgrounds? I only recognized them because I remember that spot with the fork in the river. Hehehe. You know. From when we were 14…
JEDIDIAH
Yeah.
SYDNEY
But yeah, uh, so I went back to the main building and called you. Your mom let me in. She says hi, too.
JEDIDIAH
You fell asleep, that’s all.
SYDNEY
Oh?
JEDIDIAH
Yeah. We were celebrating and you drifted off. I put those berries there so you had a snack when you woke up.
SYDNEY
What a gentlemen!
JEDIDIAH
I’m just out fetching a few things. Give me… [ZEALOUS] maybe 5 hours. I’ll be right there.
SYDNEY
Oh, okay! See you soon!