Blue Wolfe and Friends presents: Camp Here and There.

Episode Forty-Nine: A Hole in Your Finger

SYDNEY
Recorder, timestamp… [SCOFF] who cares anymore. New entry.

Today’s therapy session with Adam and Jedidiah went about as well as sticking a fork in a socket. Which is to say, it had its pros and cons.

[PAUSE — TAPE WHIRRING, PLAYBACK NOISE.]

ADAM [ON TAPE]

Love is a battlefield! But one where everyone’s wearing funny hats. You two should really lean into that.

SYDNEY

That sounds like fun!

JEDIDIAH

I-I don’t know what y’want from me…

SYDNEY

Maybe just… I don’t know, some indication that you listen?

ADAM

Ooooh, heavy stuff! Ten points for honesty, minus eight for delivery.

JEDIDIAH

I still don’t understand.

ADAM

Y’know, Jedidiah, in all the mediation sessions I’ve listened in on—

JEDIDIAH

Wait, you listen to those?

ADAM

I hear everything! Don’t interrupt me again.

JEDIDIAH

You don’t—

SYDNEY

It’s a fair boundary.

ADAM

Thank you.

JEDIDIAH

Jesus Christ—

ADAM

[HISS] Ah! Don’t say that shit!

SYDNEY

Come on, Jeddie, you know he’s a demon!

JEDIDIAH

I– I– I… uh, oh… okay. [SIGH] go on, Adam.

ADAM

I was just going to say that in all the mediation sessions I’ve listened in on, you’ve rarely said more than a few words at a time, and that’s a shame! Because I think you might be the one person our audience wants to hear from most.

JEDIDIAH

Audience?

ADAM

You know! Audience.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney, what does he mean by audience?

SYDNEY

Oh, you know! 🙂

[TAPE CLICKS OFF]

SYDNEY

[LAUGH] Oh, Ghost recorder. Where was I? Well, after that dazzling display of interpersonal progress… Adam suggested we try spending more time together. You know, quality time, with no baggage, and no carry-ons… hehe.

[CHUFF] And Jedidiah — well, he said yes. So, we must be doing better, right? We’re doing better. I’ll tell you this, ghost, I’m excited! He said it so fast, too. Like it was easy. I almost didn’t have time to fear the no. That’s great!

[RUSTLING]

He means it. I think… Most days… So, today’s labor towards relationship repair is a lunch date. Just me, and him, and the uh.. slow realization that I probably packed too much butter again.

[EXHALE]

But I’ve packed a brunch!

Big plans. Big, big plans. Little basket. Little sandwiches…

Oh! Little bottle of tea I stole from the emergency pantry, because Matthew decided I’ve “exceeded my daily tea quota.” I told him relationship stability is a medical emergency. [HE LAUGHS, THEN PAUSES] He didn’t laugh.

Yeah… uh, the sandwiches are mostly bread and butter! But not because I’m lazy, although—fine, a little bit because I’m lazy— but mostly because I, uh, y’know, can’t digest anything else anymore. Beautiful curse. Couldn’t love it more. I love puking forever and ever and ever and ever and ever and ever…

[SHIFTING]

I tried to make little heart-shaped ones, you know? I cut them with a dented, old cookie cutter I found in the arts-and-crafts bin. It’s… well they’re kind of shaped like a heart. Kind of shaped like a crooked organ, too, but… it’s the thought that counts!

Uh. So, I made two batches. One for me. One for him. Then I realized he’s allergic to whatever’s in the butter here—mostly unpronounceable ingredients and maybe a trace of battery acid for texture—so I panicked and made a third batch that’s just toast. Uh. Raw toast. Uncooked toast? Bread. I’ll be honest, it’s just bread. I packed him some bread.

[HE PLOPS DOWN]

[SIGH]

[BIRDS SOUND] 

Jedidiah also said he had some things to attend to first, so now I’m waiting under the big buckeye tree behind the art cabin. For my own sanity, I am going to act like I can be the kind of person who… waits patiently for things.

Ha. Thanks for letting me talk to you to distract myself, ghost. I’m kind of nervous, and kind of excited! Little like a fever going up and down — warm, cold, warm, panic. Ope, gotta sneeze!

Achoo! Haha!

Mm…

[SYDNEY STARTS HUMMING AS HE SETS UP THE PICNIC]

You ever think about how much life is just… waiting? Even when I’m not waiting, I feel like I’m waiting for when I need to wait again. Living is all one big bout of waiting, and the everything in-between is a brief reprieve… from more waiting. A sweet vacation now and then.

But it feels like wearing a shock collar…

Waiting for someone to show up. Waiting for someone to leave. Waiting for someone to apologize, or notice you, or…

[HE PAUSES]

—waiting to get zapped by lightning again.

Eleven forty-five! Still within the window of plausibility. [SIGH] You know what they say, a watched pot never boils. A watched Jedidiah never arrives.

[SOMBER] But really, it’s like… the longing takes its claws and carves out a space inside you. And you keep trying to fill it with things, with people, but they’re all the wrong shape. They don’t fit.

It’s just… pressure. Building and building.

[SILENCE]

Hmmm.

Still not too late yet.

[SYDNEY SHIFTS ON THE BLANKET] Oh, hello there, little friends.

Marching on, marching on. Left, right, left, right. Ants in a line, how divine!

Little sized ants, this time, not those ginormous species you see back home.

No hesitation in your steps. Just forward. Just the task. Like little machines. What drives you? Instinct, mostly? Chemical signals? Follow this, find food, return home, repeat.

It’s almost cruel in its simplicity. In its efficiency. No individuality, no ego to get in the way. Just an unflinching devotion, because that’s all there is. All there can ever be. No one stops to wonder on the self. No one breaks rank to rest.

There is only the work. And the doing of it.

[WISTFUL SIGH] What must that be like?

You’re… correct. Fitting into the exact shape required. You don’t look lonely. You don’t need to. There’s no room for loneliness in that kind of love.

So inhuman an existence.

[PAUSE] I wonder… if I shrunk myself down, really, really, really, really small… could I join you? I’d make sure to feed your queen and tend your brood. I would make myself useful. I would never speak out of turn.

[CHUCKLES] Oh, but you’d probably just eat me, wouldn’t you? How delightfully merciless. And a very efficient use of protein. Good thinking, little ones!

…

[PAUSE]

[HE SITS UP]

[WHISPER] Sometimes I wonder if I’m even real when he’s not around to see me…

[VOICE GROWING LOUDER] But oh, how I want! I want his love, his attention, his validation!

[FRANTIC] And the more I want, the more it hurts, and he’s the only one who can dull it!

[SIGH]

[SOFTER, RESIGNED] But he’s not here. Some things never change.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY
[CHIPPER] Hi campers! It’s Sydney again, your friendly neighborhood nurse-nouncer, crawling back through the airwaves! Happy midday mealtime!

It is officially [STATIC] 12:80PM here at Camp Here & There, which means it’s time for our daily reminder that chewing is not optional, and swallowing is encouraged!

[PAPER SHUFFLING]

Today’s edible lineup includes: Everyone’s favorite, Corn Nuggets! Though we haven’t been able to figure out what it is that makes them glow under a blacklight yet. (A little fun fact for our new campers—Corn Nuggets was also the name of a short-lived ska band formed in Cabin Widow Spider. R.I.P. Corn Nuggets. You lasted longer than your drummer’s immune system…)

Today we also have dehydrated peach slices that have rehydrated themselves due to the excessive humidity. Matthew sure can secrete a lot!

And of course, bread. No spread. Just bread. You can stare at it for a while and think about your life. That’s what I did!

We now move on to your scheduled afternoon activity, and I know you’re all very excited!

[HE CLAPS] So! I will personally be co-leading today’s activity, along with Counselor Marisol and that one extremely quiet child who keeps showing up during staff meetings uninvited and whispering riddles about molars. Apparently he’s… mentoring us? So we’re seeing where that’s going!

But! It’s called “The Trust Gauntlet.”

That’s not what it was originally called. It was originally called “Rope Mazes for Emotional Growth,” but someone– cough, cough, Joshua, cough– replaced the signage and the budget with a box of “Baja Blast Slugslime Horse Monster energy drinks” that he bought off the Stupid Idiot Advice Unicorn. Supposedly, Stupid Idiot Advice Unicorn is facing foreclosure on his home due to some quote “poor investments” in modern art… and could use the income. So now it’s The Trust Gauntlet, brought to you by Baja Blast Horse Monster Slugslime energy drinks.

Here’s how it works:

You and a partner of your choosing—or randomly assigned if you’re suffering from being an outcast (looking at you, campers with wolf t-shirts, smudged mascara, and a carefully curated sense of detachment)—will enter the obstacle zone blindfolded. One of you will be the Guide and the other will be the Follower.

The Guide must lead the Follower through a series of challenges using only sounds, informative humming, and increasingly agitated tapping. The Follower must trust, must believe, must avoid the muskrats, the swinging birdcages, and whatever that thing is from the lake that Mila and Juno dumped onto the course.

At the end, you switch roles. Then we debrief emotionally, in the dirt, with popsicles! Everyone’s favorite flavor, too: Unlabeled Blue!

All campers are required to participate, unless of course you are in Shovel Club, and having your meeting! The good news: we’ve invited Camp Over Where to participate too! The other good news: they accepted. The less good news: they showed up six hours early, left a pile of frogs in the supply shed, and rewired half the course with quote “surprise epic and cool enhancements.” So! Keep an eye out for whatever Natsume meant by “blood” and “splash radius.”

Let us be good hosts, campers!

And now, a few bulletin notes:

Please stop submitting anonymous suggestions that we host “Camp Here & There’s Got Talent.” We already tried that 2 years ago. Didn’t end well. But… we’ll think about it.

To the Shovel Club members woken up at 5am this morning, we’ve talked to Rowan about that.

And finally, if you are experiencing feelings of deep, frantic loneliness, a gentle reminder that sometimes a walk helps. Sometimes a nap helps. Sometimes you just need to sit in the shade and listen to the ants and remember that everything around you is alive.

You’re not invisible. Even when it feels like you are. Someone’s watching…

[AHEM] This has been your daily dose of Vitamin Me. See you on the field, campers!

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

“Had a problem with my project.” “Forgot about the timing.” “Oh, I’ll see you later.” Yeah, okay. Later. Always later. Man, I thought we got over this.

ADAM

What a sad little mourning dove you are.

SYDNEY

Can we do without the pet names today?

ADAM

Oh, come now. I’m only being affectionate! Although I must say, the tragic little [HE ROLLS THE “R”] wrinkle between your eyebrows is screaming something devastating. Was it murder?

SYDNEY

He bailed. Said he had to deal with “his project.” No apology yet. Just—[IMITATES DEADPAN MONOTONE] “Raincheck.” Like it’s a dentist appointment. As if I didn’t spend all morning cutting heart-shaped bread like some pathetic housewife.

ADAM

Ah. The elusive quality time. Slips through your fingers every time you reach for it, doesn’t it?

SYDNEY

I told myself not to care. But I packed him food. I actually… cut off the crusts. What kind of idiot does that?

ADAM

You are so tender, and Jedidiah does not notice.

SYDNEY

He noticed.

ADAM

That is worse, isn’t it?

[PAUSE]

ADAM

You know, it’s funny. You give and give, and when he takes it for granted, you still wonder what you did wrong.

SYDNEY

I don’t want to turn this into a thing. He’s just—he’s busy. I get like that too. And he’s been so much better lately…

ADAM

It’s okay to be angry, you know. You’re allowed to be disappointed.

SYDNEY

He said he’d show up for me. He agreed so fast… He’s trying, isn’t he?

ADAM

In reality, he said no anyway. Just… quieter.

SYDNEY

I think part of me already knew he would cancel. That’s the worst part. I knew, and I still packed that stupid lunch.

ADAM

It’s hurts more to have hope, doesn’t it? To taste relief before regressing?

SYDNEY

It used to always be “no” with him. I knew what to expect.

ADAM

He takes you for granted.

SYDNEY

That’s not a nice way to think about it. He does so much for me…

ADAM

Listen, I’m not here to ruin your day further. But I cannot help but hear you and think: There is a boy who deserves better.

SYDNEY

[PLAYFUL] Oh, so you think that, do you?

ADAM

[CHUFF] With all four of my terrible little hearts… Tell me what you need, Sydney, right now. Do you want to yell? Do you want to cry?

SYDNEY

I want to not feel this stupid about toast.

ADAM

It wasn’t about the toast.

SYDNEY

I know.

ADAM

Have you ever considered showing him that you’re not a given?

SYDNEY

What?

ADAM

You’re always there, Sydney. Always waiting, always eager, always soft. And he knows that. You know he knows that.

SYDNEY

That doesn’t mean he’s taking advantage.

ADAM

Doesn’t it? He’s not trying to win you anymore. He thinks you’re permanent. Forgiven in advance.

SYDNEY

We’re not playing games. I don’t want to “win” anything.

ADAM

No, of course not. You’re sincere. That’s what makes it so devastating. But he is playing games, whether he means to or not.

SYDNEY

I’m not—

ADAM

And he still wont share what happened to you…

SYDNEY

I’m not leaving him. If that’s what you’re circling, save it!

ADAM

I didn’t say break up. I said show him that you could. That you have that power.

SYDNEY

…do I have that power?

ADAM

Do you?

[SILENCE]

ADAM

You do so much and you ask for so little. And for what?

SYDNEY

I love him.

ADAM

And that erodes your boundaries like saltwater over bone.

SYDNEY

I don’t want to threaten him.

ADAM

Insisting upon your needs is a threat?

SYDNEY

[SILENCE]

ADAM

Have you given more thought to my proposal?

SYDNEY

The bloodletting?

ADAM

You’ve let him decide so much. The flesh is yours to give or keep, not his.

SYDNEY

[QUIETLY] I’m scared. Of how much I want it sometimes.

ADAM

[GENTLY REASSURING] I won’t ask you again. You’ll come to me when you’re ready.

[SILENCE]

ADAM

Do you want to know the real difference between Jedidiah and me?

SYDNEY

That you’re a devil?

ADAM

[CHUFF] True. But I see you, Sydney. The whole you, posthumous pulse and all. You don’t terrify me.

SYDNEY

I probably should.

ADAM

Maybe. [LYING] But you don’t.

[SILENCE]

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

SYDNEY

Hello again, campers. Sydney here, voice of your dinner and designated whipping boy. It is officially evening— [STATIC] 19:07PM—which means it’s time to consume nutrients, apologize to your assigned buddy during The Trust Gauntlet, and reflect on how trust is a delicate thing that can, in fact, be kicked directly in the teeth.

Tonight’s dinner options include boneless bloodloaf, vein roast, and nailbed casserole.

And for dessert: blood orange slices!

Now, about today’s Trust Gauntlet—what a journey! Some of you really stepped up.

Natsume and Dolly, for example, from cabin Lanternfly of Camp Over Where, navigated the entire course using nothing but synchronized, syncopated respiration. Inspirational, if a little breezy. I suppose when you’ve co-authored a secessionist manifesto, a trust gauntlet is more of a warm-up than a pivotal developmental benchmark in your friendship.

Though Natsume did take several detours from the official course—once to critique the rope tension, once to “optimize” a frog placement—and loudly insisted he wasn’t trying to impress anyone. Which is interesting, considering he kept glancing toward the observation platform and adjusting his posture every time Adam looked his way. He’s always had a complicated relationship with authority.

Campers Dogday and Catnap found roaring success today with zero injuries and only three emotional breakdowns; which, statistically speaking, is a new record for them. Congratulations!

Of course, not every pair was a perfect match. And to whichever counselor said, and I quote, “You’re exhausting,”—please see me after dinner for a friendly little chat about empathy and communication. We’ll start with: What do you say when someone is trying their best? Hint: it’s not that.

Popsicles will be distributed by Marisol, assuming she comes down from the roof. Please eat something and drink water. And if you’re mad at someone, maybe try not to say it in front of twenty-seven watching children!

Dinner is served. Good luck out there.

[CLICK]

[CLICK]

JEDIDIAH

I didn’t mean it that way. I just meant—I’m tired, and it slipped out like that. I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

That was humiliating.

JEDIDIAH

Yeah. I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

Come on this walk with me.

JEDIDIAH

Yes ma’am.

[DOOR OPENS]

[WALKING]

SYDNEY

Ugh. I need my crutches.

JEDIDIAH

Here. Lean on me. I got you.

[SHUFFLING]

[WALKING]

JEDIDIAH

Y’know. Lucille says you shouldn’t be recording things.

SYDNEY

You know how important it is to me.

JEDIDIAH

Right… Carry on.

SYDNEY

So. You didn’t show up. And then you embarrassed me. I know you didn’t mean to. But you did.

JEDIDIAH

I know. I’ve been overwhelmed. That’s not an excuse—it’s just where I’m at.

SYDNEY

That type of back and forth is agonizing, Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

I didn’t want to disappoint you.

SYDNEY

That’s funny, because you did anyways.

JEDIDIAH

[STIFFENING] I said I was sorry.

SYDNEY

I’m not looking for an apology.

JEDIDIAH

Mm. Can you be… like, a little less snippy? It’s making it hard to have this conversation.

SYDNEY

Sure. Sorry.

JEDIDIAH

What do you need, my love?

SYDNEY

I’ve been thinking about this today. I’m looking for… that this won’t keep happening. And I don’t think I know that.

JEDIDIAH

What does that mean?

SYDNEY

It means I can’t keep ignoring my feelings. I don’t think I… I don’t think I want to keep doing this, like, doing this…

JEDIDIAH

Wait. No—no, don’t say that. Please don’t say that.

SYDNEY

Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

I’ll do better. I will. Just—don’t do that. Don’t look at me like that. We can fix it. I can fix it.

SYDNEY

OW—! Stop gripping!

JEDIDIAH

Sorry!

SYDNEY

Geeze.

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry!

SYDNEY

[SIGH]

JEDIDIAH

I’ll do anything you need.

SYDNEY

I know you mean that. But it’s like—I shouldn’t have to threaten you.

JEDIDIAH

That’s not fair.

SYDNEY

No. It’s not. None of this is. Why do you only care once it’s like… you don’t get what you want anymore?

JEDIDIAH

Come on, Sydney. I’ve been trying so hard…

SYDNEY

How did I die?

[ABRUPT STATIC NOISE]

[SYDNEY WINCES]

[SILENCE]

SYDNEY

Go on. Say it! Tell me what killed me. Because I don’t know. I’ve begged you to tell me, and every time, you shut down or change the subject or suddenly “have to work on your project.”

JEDIDIAH

That’s not—

SYDNEY

What happened, Jedidiah?

JEDIDIAH

I can’t—

SYDNEY

Can’t or won’t?

JEDIDIAH

[FRUSTRATED] You don’t want to know. You think you do, but you don’t.

SYDNEY

Oh, excellent! Thank you. I’ll add that to the list of things you’ve decided on my behalf. My home, medical decisions, memory—what else am I not allowed to have an opinion on? My hair? My name?

JEDIDIAH

[STUTTERING] Please. I love you. I’ve—

SYDNEY

You know damn well I can think for myself.

JEDIDIAH

I’ve done everything for you. Please tell me. What do you need?

SYDNEY

I’m just mad. I’m allowed to be mad.

JEDIDIAH

You can’t imagine the hell I’ve gone through for you. Over and over how much of it is for you. Christ…ugh! Christ! I hate this. [HE PACES] I hate that I’m yelling at you.

SYDNEY

You’re not listening to me.

JEDIDIAH

[TRYING TO REMAIN SOFT] I’m listening… I’m trying, but you keep picking fights with me like that, I—

SYDNEY

I’m trying to talk to you.

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry I had one day where I was off. And you blew it up into this whole thing and you’re scaring me and … It’s so… I-I’m always having to make sure you’re okay and… and that we’re okay and you’re not uh… [HE BREATHES]… I can’t have one day where I’m tired… I can’t—

SYDNEY

Jedidiah.

JEDIDIAH

[HE’S STRUGGLING] Grh. Ugh. I’m not sounding right. I don’t like it, just give me time to think, please.

SYDNEY

[NOT DOING THAT] You treat me like a thing to manage.

JEDIDIAH

I said be quiet!

[SILENCE]

SYDNEY

Geeze. Go back to the cabin.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney, I’m sorry. I keep upsetting you. I just– I couldn’t– I just couldn’t… I… I just… wanted to ask for a moment.

SYDNEY

Go back.

JEDIDIAH

Sydney.

SYDNEY

[SHARP] I hate when you get like this.

JEDIDIAH

I’m sorry.

SYDNEY

Please.

JEDIDIAH

…Okay. Let me know when you get back.

SYDNEY

Okay.

[WALKING]

SYDNEY

[SIGH] Damn stupid man. UGH!

[WALKING]

[RAVINE BUBBLES]

[SYDNEY SITS]

[FOOTSTEPS]

ADAM

Well. That was quite the spectacle.

SYDNEY

Oh no, you saw that?

ADAM

[HE SUCKS IN] Indeed. I was on my way to check on your condition… before taking my leave for the night.

[HE SITS]

[REASSURINGLY] I am here.

SYDNEY

[SIGH]

ADAM

If I may…

[HE LIFTS SYDNEY’S HAND]

[PAUSE]

SYDNEY

You may.

MYSTERY MAN

The creature brings the boy’s hand to its lips.

[RAVINE BURBLING]

[FADE OUT]

Today’s episode of Camp Here & There was written and directed by Blue Wolfe.

The role of Sydney Sargent was performed by Blue Wolfe. 

The role of Jedidiah Martin was performed by Voicebox Vance. 

The role of Up and Adam was performed by Dio Garner.  

The role of Mystery Man was performed by Jalen Askins.  

With original music composed by Will Wood and produced by Jonathon Maisto. 

Additional music composed by Kyle Gabler and Another You. 

 Dialogue editing by Beetlesprite.

 Sound design by Blue Wolfe and Another You.

And a special thanks to Patrons for making this possible! 

Special thanks to 8Cubed and Pichu

To join them, and to get behind-the-scenes content like bloopers, development notes, early access to episodes, interactive events, and more, visit the Patreon at patreon.com/bluewolfe. 

You can also join the official Discord server to connect with fellow listeners and discuss the latest episode—find the link in the description of today’s episode. 

And finally, if you’d like to support the show and ensure we can keep going, the most meaningful thing you can do is to help spread the word! 

 Thank you for listening to Camp Here & There! And remember: Onions have layers